Jeff is a 65-year old widower seeking a romantic, loving relationship through internet dating services in America.
What is a "No Drama Wanted" Relationship?
Absurd Demands to and from Senior Citizen (and Younger) Dating Site Members
I have received almost 1,800 matches (pairings) from two different dating services, Match.com (all ages) and Silver Singles (senior singles only), during the last 4-1/2 months. I have written three previous articles about my experiences and thoughts on internet dating for senior citizens, from a male point of view. But I had overlooked another frequently seen requirement of my senior women matches. You see, last week I sent a smile to an attractive senior woman and the next day - presumably after reading my personal profile information - she sent me a message: "I'm not interested in you. My profile says I want men with NO drama!". This set me back on my heels and I started to think about this whole concept of "Drama".
More than 55% of my female matches state as their preference (or absolute demand) that their male matches should not display, "Drama", as in "No Drama Wanted". Some phrase it in other ways, such as "No Drama", "No Drama Kings Wanted", "No Drama Queens Wanted" (?), "No Whiners", "No Sob Stories", "No Sad Story Guys", "No High Maintenance Guys Wanted", etc. (Before anyone gets too upset, I would bet that some males make the same demands of women dating site matches.)
As the overwhelming majority of these women (over 85%) say they like men with good senses of humor, some as a preference and most as a demand of guys, it seems a little contradictory. Do women want a guy who is sensitive enough to his surrounding world to make humorous comments and jokes about it ... and yet, those same men should be insensitive enough to ignore the emotional bumps, bruises and personal disasters that plague all of the humans alive on this planet? (Well, almost everyone is sensitive to these emotional shocks, with the exception of psychopathic personalities.)
Attention, Men! Are you Losers with Women? Are you a ... DRAMA KING?
So, how could I reach the lowly state of a 'Drama King / Loser', you single men are probably asking yourselves? And how can you avoid falling into such a failed state of romantic collapse?
Well, looking back on my original written profiles, I basically said the following in the second paragraph: "I am a 65-year old widower who is climbing out of the worst two years of his life. In September 2019, I had a serious motor scooter accident leaving me with head, brain, rib and knee injuries. Then, as I began to heal up from my surgeries, my wife collapsed with a stroke caused by a terminal brain tumor. After months in a coma, she passed away in February 2021. I am pulling myself up and out of my emotional hole. I am trying hard to resume my previously pleasant view of life and recapture my old sense of humor."
Well, this turned out be a terrible thing to tell the senior-aged women of America. It is dripping with 'drama' and pathos. This paragraph mentions serious injury to my body and the death of a loved one. Lastly, the final two profile sentences are just an optimistic 'thin broth', compared to the hyper-emotional, depressing four sentences of sorrow that preceded it.
(I have since polished up my profile and my dating service matches may notice a sweet scent of joy, beautiful unicorns, happy optimism and anticipated future success, all lovingly detailed in my current profile. My dear departed mother didn't raise any dummies!)
Now, what is absurd about all this "drama" fear regarding a couple of my life's hard knocks, is that most women don't want to hear about this. Apparently men should never reveal their 'softer side'. YET, THERE IS ALMOST NOBODY - OVER AGE 55 - WHO HASN'T SUFFERED ONE OR MORE MAJOR, PERSONAL CRISES IN THEIR LIVES!
Now, young children are famously optimistic and cheerful, often without a cloud on their emotional, physical or family horizon. People in their teens and twenties are a bit more aware of the rougher side of human living, while otherwise only rarely is a young American (or other First World child) confronted with serious illness, serious injury or a close death. But, unless a young person is involved in military action or crime, life can still seem pretty carefree right through their twenties and maybe even into their thirties.
Few people can reach their forties without Harsh Life beginning to club you across the head. Close relatives start to sustain serious or life-threatening illnesses and injuries. There are the unexpected deaths of family and friends. Even, believe it or not, bad things may begin to happen to your own body. Yikes!
So, "No Drama Wanted" is a fool's errand, especially among senior citizens. You may as well ask seniors not to reminisce about their youth! For good or bad, a long life is a full life, and full lives are FULL OF DRAMA!
Back to the Future for Men's Feelings?
Beyond the "No Drama" issue, I'm old enough to remember the 1970s, 1980s and even the 1990s, when women were clamoring for men to GET IN TOUCH WITH THEIR FEELINGS! Men were too cold, too emotionally uninvolved and too often closed off to the women and children in their lives. Women barely 'knew' the men in their lives. Men didn't 'know' or understand their own feelings, according to these enlightened ladies of the 70s, 80s and 90s.
Males of the 1950s and earlier - and for many centuries before - were definitely not 'Drama Kings'. Apparently, they were more like robots, if you believed what ardent feminists would subsequently claim. So, guys, I guess it's time to go back to being the hard-nosed, iron-shelled men of the early 20th Century!
Post Script for "No Drama Wanted" People
Unpleasant calls for "No Drama Wanted" are in about one-third of the written profiles I receive from women matches. I suggest that the smarter and more empathetic way to say this is: "We have ALL experienced drama and tragedy in our lives, especially if you are over the age of 55. I want to hear about the dramas and tragedies in your life, but I am hoping that they don't drag you down and depress you from fully living out the rest of your life, to the best of your ability. To allow yourself to enjoy life, love others and smile and laugh, and to help other people who need the help. Despite life's dramas and tragedies, be a good, helpful and optimistic person, for as often as possible and for as long as God (or nature) gives you upon this Earth!"
I have five other articles in my series of four articles about senior citizen dating and modern American internet dating services. They are, Senior Citizen Dating is Like High School Dating, Senior Citizen Dating is More Complicated than High School Dating and A Widower's Commentary on Internet Dating. Please feel free to read and share with your friends!
© 2021 Jeffrey Duff