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Natsukashii (It is Time to Let You Go)

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Krishna has been a writer with an enthusiasm about life and psychology. She loves improving herself through reading and constant learning.

natsukashi-literary-writing-to-treasure-and-to-let-go

I couldn't help laughing. We were there standing beside the electrolyte machine, doing the same things that we did last year.

"Ah, I remember. You already taught me how to operate this machine," you said.

"Yes, remember the last time I asked you to draw blood from me? The blood was hemolyzed!"

"Ah, its because you asked me to pull the syringe forward, I even mistakenly pushed forward the plunger of the syringe and returned your blood to your body!"

"Yes, yes why did you do that?"

"Ha, tell me, how would I know? I don't know how to do such things!"

We were both laughing. Happily remembering the past memories that we had. That time, I vividly remember that I trusted you to draw blood from me because I feel weak and there's no one I could rely on to get my blood. You don't know how to do such things, however, you are the closest person that I could trust my life to at that moment. That's when I knew and I was sure you were someone special. You were someone I hold dear. You were someone I loved.

"But really, this time, it didn't hurt," you said after I draw blood from your arm.

"I told you I'm getting better. I won't hurt you anymore," I told you silently but I really mean it.

"No, I think I'm just used to you and your doings." Maybe, it's true. You already got used to our routines that it didn't affect you anymore.

You remember that we have our own set of inside jokes. The way that you stare at my hand and said "Ha look at your gloves, it looks way too big on you!" followed by, "of course, I know that already, your hands are very small". The way I always and always joke about your wide forehead, your protruding veins, your thin body, and my height - there are some things that we cannot change no matter how fast the story between us changes.

"Okay then, I'll leave you here for a while," just like our story, everything changes. You left to sit and wait outside to browse through your phone - the machine's noise can be heard very loudly. Back then, you would stay. You would pull one of the chairs and sit on it while we wait for the centrifuge to finish spinning. We would talk about all the topics that we could think of or if we don't know know what to talk about anymore, we just wait - but we wait together.

My first love, it doesn't hurt anymore. However, I think that I should properly say goodbye to the special feelings that I once harbored for you. It was the best moment of my life. It was the first time I ever fell strongly in love that I couldn't just fight the waves. It was the first time I ever felt truly alive by hurting and knowing that I could feel such love, so strongly, I couldn't even utter the reasons why I loved you.

My first love, I'm not crying anymore. I don't feel the need to blame myself for running and denying my feelings for you anymore. However, I feel that I need to properly say goodbye to my feelings that I always denied to you (which you deserved) and to myself. That is why I am writing this, a token of gratitude for the love and emotions that I felt with you.

natsukashi-literary-writing-to-treasure-and-to-let-go
natsukashi-literary-writing-to-treasure-and-to-let-go

I am and will always be grateful for the memories that I had with you. No matter how painful we went through, I will always remember the good times and the memories that we had.

I will always remember the times you stayed by the window, talking to me, standing there for hours because I don't want to get caught talking with you inside the laboratory.

I will remember you by the mini chair that I always tell you to bring so that you won't remain to stand and be able to sit beside me whenever you visit me in the laboratory.

How could I forget about the urine cups? I always throw them at you whenever you say your cheesy pick-up lines, or whenever you say you miss me. I'm sorry, I get violent when I get bashful.

There is a laboratory door that we always fight to hold whenever I want to rest and confine myself inside the laboratory. You, holding the door open, while I'm forcing it close. Ha, how naive am I to think that I can fight against you? When you strongly barged inside my quiet life?

There are gloves that you asked me to help you to wear. It was one of the few moments that we ever touched each other physically. It was like an unspoken rule between us: no touching.

Remember the bloodstain that you cleaned beside the extraction area? That was one of the moments that I realized I couldn't just tick you off easily and you wouldn't just give up easily. You volunteered to clean that mess, to buy time - and that time became memorable for me.

The ruler. Hahaha! How funny that I could ever think that I can measure how wide your forehead is with the ruler? We laughed for a long time that day because of that.

There is also the nail cutter - one of the boldest things that we could ever do - letting me pull your mustache and leg's hair by using it. I still visualize how you scream whenever you get hurt by the process. Those were such good times.

natsukashi-literary-writing-to-treasure-and-to-let-go

There is the Royal, our favorite drink, and Piatos, the junk food that we ate the day that I rejected you - and the day that I first felt the most throbbing pain.

There are the stairs where we first walked side by side together, and I'm not sure if I am imagining things but I saw you chuckling and you tried to hide it.

There is the third floor of the hospital where we often talk whenever our schedules are busy and we try to communicate away from the eyes of other people.

There is the communication through our eyes when we barely knew each other and we don't want others to catch us talking to each other, the high-fives, countless late-night talks, confessions, movies, foods, and smiles that we shared together.

Funny how we keep each other's friends and company, no matter who came into our lives romantically. My first love, I will not forget about the things that made me happy with you - but I won't hold on to you anymore. You were still one of the people I find most comfortable with.

Deeply, sincerely, honestly, I'll be happy when you are happy. Thank you.

natsukashi-literary-writing-to-treasure-and-to-let-go

© 2020 Krishna