Frustrating Truths of My Life
The saddening part of my life is that most people in my life are either excruciatingly honest or the just like to hurt. Maybe it is the way that I perceive their opinions that makes me come to the conclusion.
The truth is that my self-esteem is not good for my decision-making tactics. I do not like many of my decisions and I know they are wrong. However, I only find out that I messed up, right after I make a mistake.
My pain goes deeper than I can tell in words. Whenever I sit alone and think back to what hurt me, I realize that my decisions are the reason of my pain. I act out when am in fear, hurt, angry, or jealous. Am working on the jealous part because it is not good. Jealous is bad for my mental health; it really is.
When it gets hard for me, I look for consolation in people who have little concern for my well being; people that constantly put me down and make me feel like I don't belong; people that hurt me and don't care to apologize after they have wronged me, people who don't care about how their actions affect my emotions; people whose opinions are based on social facts that are negative.
I love being alone. I love hanging out by myself and doing things by myself. But sometimes it is tiring. I sometimes feel empty and lonely, being alone. It hurts because people I need close to me, keep avoiding me. And I totally get it.
Am not a good company, really. My opinions are mostly stupid and some of them are just naïve. Most of my comments make people don't wanna hang out with me because they show that I desperately need attention, validation, or my level of ignorance.
I cry easily, and somehow enjoy being a victim. Sometimes I feel like I have a victim mentality, just not in a way that hurts others. I may lie sometimes just to get others like me or think that I have achieved a lot in life, when I haven't. My lies hurt me so badly because event though people I lie to won't find out, I already know that it wasn't true. I can be manipulative sometimes, and I drag people into my drama and other bad ideas. I can be judgmental at times because I like to assume that people's acts make them who they are.
So it is hard for me to be me. It is hard for me to because am always sad and rarely happy. But what I hate most about my life is that I lose people who could have stayed because am stupid, ignorant and I make bad decisions and comments.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2022 Marion Ruth