I have lived this all of my life. I only know how to hide myself
Hiding Has become my Way of Life
I was born with cataracts, and glaucoma in one of my eyes, they don't think I ever had vision in it, and at 6 months of age it was removed. Since then I have worn a prosthetic eye. This is all I know. Like if I could magically get vision in two eyes, I'd probably be bouncing off walls, I wouldn't know what to do with that much vision.
But I Feel Totally Normal....
Like I said; it's all I know.
But from day 1, of nursery school MY normal became being made fun of for looking different. Multiple times a day, every day. Kids are ignorant, therefore can be cruel. And some were very cruel. Calling me cross eyed because only one eye moves. Some thought because my eyes sometimes looked crossed meant I was stupid, or blind. I have normal vision in my one eye.
Sometimes because they thought I couldn't see them they'd talk about me right in front of me (I guess the way kids think is that if you can't see than you must not be able to hear as well)
I hated not looking normal
Couldn't stand it
I would have starved myself if it meant I'd look normal
in fact I so hated the fact that I didn’t look normal that I pretended that nothing was wrong with my eyes. If anyone asked what was wrong with my eyes I’d tell them nothing. That’s how much I detested not looking normal, Because I hated having to deal with it myself , I'd say that nothing was wrong
There were also a lot of piercing stares.....and some couldn't stop staring
I went through a time where I wouldn't look anyone in the eye for fear that they'd notice then say something
if I only looked normal, being made fun of would finally end for good
But it never did end until after high school. But the stares continued.
My parents told me I was paranoid when I’d tell them about being made fun of. Like I was making it up. I was not a child that wanted attention drawn to me . I was getting more than enough being made fun of. Why would I make any of this up?
But the one good thing was, that I always had friends that were very protective of me. That's not something I'll ever forget
And To Top That Off This Happened....
About 10 years ago I had a stroke. It's now somewhat difficult for me to speak understandably. Now when I talk I have a naturally drunk sound to my speech. I don't drink. My speech will never improve. The only thing speech therapy can do for me is to give me drama lessons. I'm a drama queen. I don't need drama lessons
But now some who first meet me, treat me like I am slow. Because of how I look, and now how I talk
Just to add to the mix..
But don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve already taken care of that for you
But This is Not About my Having One Eye.....
It's what started my not feeling normal
I was so excited when I learned to read, and write. I felt like I had been given such a great gift. And it really is. I was excited to learn more......but that's when things became a lot more difficult. Most of what I had to learn past reading and writing, was, and still is difficult for me to learn
But I never said anything because everyone else understood. So if I said I didn't, then everyone would think I was dumb.....which some already thought because of my eyes sometimes being crossed. So for that reason, I wouldn't dare say anything. I didn't want to give anyone an other reason to talk about me
This became my normal
Pretending to know a little about everything. Pretending that I was way smarter than I was, or am. Pretending so hard, because I always feel so dumb
And Because I've Always Had a Terrible Fear That You'd All Figure Out How Dumb I am, I Haven't Lived
I mean this very seriously. I am close to 58 years old and have nothing. No kids, never married, no pets, never a career that I even liked. NOTHING. And all of this I have kept fiercely suppressed for my entire life. Until it all suddenly surfaced, I am desperately trying to shove it back down, because it's so unpleasant to deal with. But it's been slapping me in the face telling me to finally deal with it all if I ever want to have any kind of quality of life.......which I really haven't had much of
I have always pretended that I was strong emotionally, when it's been blatantly clear to everyone else that I'm a mess
But I have always been almost phobic, of embarrassing myself with seeming stupid, or weak emotionally, that I kept myself ferociously hidden. I'd never let any one get to know me because then they'd know how dumb I was. Or what an emotional disaster I was......which they already knew
I know; that phobia is dumb in itself
I'll never go to a high school reunion because it would be too embarrassing having nothing to share. How can I make nothing sound interesting?
I've always felt like none of this should be a big deal. So I have always made light of it. Because I always thought I should just get over it. But how can I get over what I don't want to deal with?
Sure I Went to College.....
I wanted to be a psychologist since I was in 5th grade. But I quit because I was failing out. And that would be the ultimate mortification to have failed out. Don't get me wrong; I studied......I just never absorbed what I studied regardless of the subject
But don't worry, dropping out , having no direction, was equally as mortifying, if not more so
Self Confidence? Ha! That's Funny
How can anyone be expected to have any self confidence given the above?
Now that I am almost 58, I feel the best about my physical self than I ever have.
It's probably because I work out obsessively and hard, 7 days a week. Also my diet has never been cleaner.
This is huge for me because I never felt good about my looks until recently
Now I just have to work on what's inside. That's the really hard part. That's where I'm lacking in confidence. Because whats on the inside bears a lot more weight than what’s on the outside. And right now I’m feeling empty.
I remember my parents constantly scolding me for not having any self confidence. As if their scolding alone , would give me confidence.
My Entire Adult Life has Been Spent in, and Out of Therapy....
I never had any specific thing that I wanted to achieve when in therapy. I'd just think, ok I know things are wrong, I don't feel right....I'd hand myself to the therapist thinking; "just fix me". After a few months I'd feel like I wasn't getting anything out of it ( Because I never knew what I wanted to get from the start!!!) and I'd quit
I will be seeing a therapist in a few weeks. But this time I finally know what I want to achieve. I need to figure out why I have lived my life (or not lived it) the way I have, and how to move forward...... if that's even possible at my age
Why I so Rarely Talk About This With Anyone
Because I fear those typical canned answers of attempting to be encouraging. Or making light of a situation that is not light at all.
The few times I have tried the above has happened and it has really pissed me off
Too many desperately want to fix things when that's never what I am looking for. Also most are not even qualified to fix anything emotionally
All I really want is someone to either say nothing, and just listen, or to say something like; "yeah, I get it..."
But it's all so weird that I wouldn't expect most to get it. I don’t even get it
What FINALLY got me to this
I worry about other's pain so much that I wonder if it's been my way of not dealing with my own. It's so much easier to deny it's existence, by focusing on other's......until it all slapped me in the face.
I don't need drugs. Drugs would just be a band aid for what I should have dealt with a lifetime ago. I need to finally deal with this
I don't want this to be all there is for me
I feel like I'm starting life from scratch at 58 years of age
These sudden realizations are horrifying, and paralyzing
To many this all would be motivating. But I'm immobile
So many overcome a lot worse
Why haven't I?
What's wrong with me?
Was it because my father obsessed over everyone's looks including mine? That can't be good for someone with a fragile self esteem due to having only one eye. He obsessed over everyone's looks including their bodies. Both male, and female. I mean it was weird when I think about it now. He was also unusually critical of everyone. He also had 13 affairs while married to my mother. I had an eating disorder from the time I was 15 until pretty much yesterday too. Oh yeah, there's plenty more for a sequel.
© 2022 jacy albertson