Dani is a Christian, homemaker, and home chef who has survived an overdose, and is diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar, and Hypersomnia.
My Overdose 2016
I was in a very dark place in my life. I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. My mother had just died the year before under tragic circumstances due to a surgery for her Breast Cancer, which I had witnessed her dying (I called 9-1-1, frantically). It was traumatic. I had been dealing with 19 years of abuse and trauma and I had just been raped (and drugged) at a party that year. My relationship wasn't going well, so you could say my life was a mess. On the plus side, I finally had a place to live to call my own, a relationship with someone who I knew loved me, and a crazy cat who taught me what unconditional love is, but I was in the grips of the darkness.
The darkness is Satan's playground. I say playground because when you're a Christian, you shouldn't fear Satan, instead we should all be joining in and laughing at him (says my pastor; he's really cool). So, take a moment to laugh at him. . .see it's fun and easy. He can't hurt you if you've accepted Christ into your heart and live your best life to follow in Jesus' footprints.
I hadn't yet accepted Christ into my heart, yet. Instead, I was drinking often, an emotional mess, angry, upset, doing drugs, and depressed. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I wanted it to end. I wished I was dead. Like that song, "Pretend We're Dead," by L7. I grew up with that song and it's how I felt. I was living my life like I was pretending I were dead, and it was exhausting.
The devil took me by his compelling hand and handed me bottles of pills, and I swallowed 150 pills down my throat by the handful, in a haze. I was in a rough spot with my dad, dealing with all the abuse, and all of the stuff I listed earlier, I just wanted to die. Alayna (my partner, now turned spouse), was at work and I was at home and our friend Emily was staying with us on our couch in the front living room. I told her I was going to bed for the night, it was 10 o'clock pm.
I wrote a note in my phone telling my dad to leave the money to Alayna, which he didn't do, and he wouldn't even let her see me in the hospital until I asked for her when I woke up.
After I swallowed all the pills, I laid down in bed and went peacefully to sleep, I had also stripped out of my clothes, so I was naked. I felt stripped emotionally. I wasn't able to deal with anything and I was ready to go.
Alayna came home at 11:15 and found me in the room, but she thought I was asleep, but thought it was weird, so she got Emily, who had been a nursing major for year, so she knew how to check vital signs. She tried to dilate my eyes, but they wouldn't dilate and she and Alayna found the pill bottled poorly stashed. They rushed me to the emergency room where they wouldn't let Alayna in to see me because we were gay. They were harassing her to call my dad because "a girl need's her father." She felt trapped, so she called my father, he rushed over.
I was being treated by the same doctor who had declared my mother dead and then a year later, her daughter was in the E.R. dying. My stomach was unable to be pumped, but I was stable, but needed to be airlifted to the hospital, but my father decided he needed to shower and pack first, so he told them to wait. I was incredibly fragile, should've been airlifted, because half way through the ambulance ride I was flatlining because he was selfish and didn't believe it was serious. I was dying. I still had 30 minutes to go to get to STL Barnes-Jewish Hospital. I was in critical condition and slipped into a 2.5 day coma.
My brain was hemorrhaging, I was dying. I'd been revived once, and kept from death several times, but there was nothing they could do to wake me from my coma, until I decided to fight. I fought hard. I felt cold and when I was in my head, I was in a black room, black place. It was lonely and freezing. I guess that's what they call limbo, but I decided to wake up.
I took enough pills to kill three people over. It was pretty certain I would have brain damage, or not be able to use my limbs, but when I woke up, they were shocked to see my arms make movement and my feet moving. It was a miracle I was even alive. They said I should've died. I remember having to urinate, they said to use the bed pan, I refused and asked on paper by writing to use the bathroom. They brought a toilet in and shut the curtains and I was able to get out of bed (with help), but I walked.
When I first woke up, I tried to sign "Alayna," but no one could read sign language, which I found to be a problem in the hospital systems. I was too weak to grip a pencil, but I kept trying. My father was finally able to understand what I was trying to say, I was pissed at him for kicking her out. He thought that I wouldn't want to see anyone, but him. He was part of the reason I was in this position. Alayna and Emily rushed over as soon as they could and Emily painted one of my hands that was free and brushed my hair and Alayna was in shock. They had told everyone to expect my death. Jesus rose me from the dead, but still I wasn't a believer, yet. I was on the way though because during my coma, my uncle had woken in the middle of the night and saw me in the hospital with an angel next to my side, when he didn't even know I was dying.
I got diagnosed by two young women med students who asked me questions that explained all of my reckless, impulsive, and unsafe behavior -- Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar 2.
When I was in the hospital, one of the doctors admitted he became a Christian because he had witnessed a miracle of me being brought back to life when science had not saved me. It was divine.
Psalm 34 Healed Me
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 19 The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.
— Psalm 34: 18-19
Saved from my Hypersomnia
I came out virtually unscathed, but I suffered some brain damage -- Hypersomnia, which is the opposite of Insomnia and extremely rare. In fact, it's so rare and uncommon it made headline news in Australia about a guy who had to sleep 20 hours of the day.
I was sleeping about 22 hours of the day every day and was even on a medication for stimulants to stay up, but it was spiritual. I had yet to accept Christ into my heart yet. I was always exhausted and sick. I couldn't stay up, even if I gave it everything I had to try to stay awake. It was no use, so I sunk into depression, and my partner was left lonely.
One day, I felt compelled to open the Bible and I opened to Pslam 34, a prayer for healing. At that moment, I felt the haze go away. I felt cleared of mind and was able to stay awake. I was healed from that moment on and to this day, I'm healed.
MTV Classic Lead to Jesus
I was on my way to becoming a Christ follower. I was being stubborn, I didn't want to give up my lifestyle of drugs, drinking, and reckless behavior. I didn't want to be a "boring Christian." Even though I went to a Christian University, I didn't want to accept him on principal, but as my partner and I were talking and watching MTV, it got incredibly spiritual and the videos were directly relating to what we were talking about. We felt the presence of God. He communicates to us all in different ways that we can understand.
We were trying to heal our relationship, but it was divine what was happening on the tv. We felt like Jesus was taking us on a journey of self discovery and knowledge. Everything rushed back to me, my overdose, the Psalm 34, everything and at that moment, I decided to finally accept Jesus as my Lord and savior and he washed over me like warm water on your face when you're purifying your pores. I felt pure and forgiven for every bad thing I'd ever done. I felt relief and a friend on my side who I could look to for guidance and as a moral compass.
Psalm 31: 14-15
14 But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 15 My times are in your hands.
— Psalm 31:14-15
Life Now, Near 2 Years Later
Life now as a Christian sucks sometimes (not being a follower, but what the Lord asks of Alayna and I to do). Man, this whole loving everyone thing sucks sometimes, but the Lord calls us to love everyone, even our abusers. That's a hard one for us. My family sucks, but they're getting better every day. In fact, Alayna and I are even DJing my twin brother's wedding, which is huge for us because he hasn't been nice to us and he abused me growing up.
We spend time with my father and his new wife now. It was difficult to forgive, but it ultimately made me feel better and lighter.
Walking in the light, you're faced with so many challenges, tests, of your beliefs. It's like you've got two options. You can either do what Jesus is telling you to do or you can ignore him, and face the truth of knowing you disobeyed. We try to live our life as good as possible now. We've been cutting down on drinking and drugs aren't even in our vocabulary anymore. Every morning, I write verses down and put them in Alayna's lunch box for her to read at lunch. I practice yoga to relieve my anger and improve my depression. I wear a cross around my neck that says, "Everything is possible through him." Alayna bought it for me, and I'm proud to say, I'm a Christian. Even if we're gay.
© 2019 Dani Moore