Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology. Sales Management
What Is Your Reality?
I still feel like I’m going crazy.
This tunnel and downward spiral getting worse.
I’ve been struggling to even get up in the morning.
I am always late for work, or just don’t show up.
I’m numb, than feel like I will explode, next erratic. Nothing makes sense or processes the way it’s supposed too.
I can sit and stare into nothingness and feel absolutely void. Next be flooded by an immense and continuous tidal-wave of anxiety. I literally want to tear my eyes out of my head.
I am still paranoid.
“How do I still have a job?”
“How is it possible ‘he’ loves me?”
“He must be lying” my head tells me.
I am very aware I am self-sabotaging.
It manifests in a multitude of ways; even I am shocked and unaware of how it shows its ‘ugly’ face.
- I feel as normal and high functioning as anyone seems to be; I am the angelic version of myself. Than the next second it’s like I was Dr Jekyll; that transformed to the evil Ms Hyde.
- My genuine smiles and laughter, and the positive outlook I thought I had trained my brain to believe? That’s in a split second washed away with hopelessness, intense dark sadness, failure, regret, doubt, fear. I succumb to the darkness and forget what that light looks like.
- In any given moment, of any day in any year, that something mundane i never cared one way or another...splits into this rage filled monster. The words I hear pouring out my mouth in a destruction never to repair. I can’t stop. I want to, but I can’t.
- Psychotic anger: makes no rational sense followed by embarrassment and shame.
- Anger creates a normally light filter; non-existence. I destroy you with words.
- The worst is I can flip a switch. A control I finally gained. Do I feel nothing? Numbness? That void? Or do I feel literally everything? There is no in Between.
It’s like I am outside looking in.
Sometimes it feels like I am floating outside my body; watching myself and can not do anything to help stop it.
That disassociated part of me is mentally screaming to stop, but my physical body either can’t, or doesn’t hear the floating version of me.
I know how this all sounds…
...like I should have permanent residence. In a white padded room. With a lifetime supply of tranquilizers.
You’d think with a mind like this I would look obviously crazy. Psychotic even.
Someone off Investigation Discovery Channel. That woman who no one knows has twenty bodies buried under her kitchen floor.
I look like your average white middle-aged female. My life is like a photograph. Perfectly manipulated to highlight the happiness expected, the harmony and peace and designed to make my life blend in with everyone’s around me.
When they ask if I am okay…or where I was (like my boss does)…I hear myself lie.
Making up whatever I can that is believable.
By the time I hear it come out of my mouth; I’m questioning why I need to lie in the first place.
Why DO I feel I NEED to lie?
I can’t give you an answer. I am virtually never discovered; those mindless lies that don’t end up even making sense to myself.
I guess I lie because if I was honest with those asking questions; I’d have to admit I need help.
Lets be real though: Even if I screamed from the top of a roof, as loud as I could, that I needed help…
...I’d be alone…
Shit, I wouldn’t even know what I needed. It changes every few minutes sometimes.
I can have zero reasons or a thousand reasons I do or say any particular thing.
The times that are the worst?
When I have no fucking clue what’s wrong with me…
What It’s Like To Be Borderline
Lately, I hate being myself.
Despise that incessant need to have people around me.
So…I always end up with “friends” at the bar.
I’m a frequent flier.
Currently I feel like I have been in this fishbowl (really not sure how to describe it).
I am there, but I am not there.
I hear myself, but I also hear myself from a distance.
Dazed, I always notice the stares and whispers.
Worse, this time it’s not my paranoia…it’s my favorite bartender is on a hate ‘the BPD me’ spree.
My ex too.
They talk so much shit, those people can’t wait to tell me.
I never confront them.
I used to care.
I used to care way too much to be honest.
Currently, I’m not surprised that i am just sinking back into myself.
I’m exactly what they are saying anyway…
I really don’t care anymore “how awful she is,”...
my whole life was a disappointment.
I’m used to it.
I May be realizing I need a lot more help than just randomly going back on meds.
Once a month with a shrink I’m seeing is not enough as well.
However…harsh reality is I am a single mom, in Southern California and on one income; with a three hour a day commute after a 14 hour work day…
I can’t realistically work in an extensive mental health action plan as extensive as mine probably should be.
I am not ready to embrace my mental illness.
I don’t want to face my childhood…
Confronting the depths of my self…
It would mean being honest…
Risking my relationship with ‘him’ because he might not be able to deal with it; leaving me.
Would mean doing all of this even if he does leave…
I love him and even though I don’t think I am capable of fully being in love with someone else; I do recognize its been a long time since I opened up emotions.
It has terrified me.
I know if I want a healthy relationship in any long term capacity; I have to stand up and own my illness.
I need to confront the shame I feel for being mentally screwed up…
I have never wanted to before; not for anyone else and sure as hell not for myself.
I feel like what an alcoholic must feel like the first time they stand up and introduce themself…
...saying to a room full of strangers “I am an alcoholic.”
Shoot, it would be easier for me to admit I had a drinking problem….
Here it goes….
“My name is Abigayle, and I am blessed with Borderline Personality Disorder.”
I was diagnosed 12 years ago.
My shrink told me never to have it documented because I would suffer under the stigma. My parents said I made up my own diagnosis to excuse being an awful person.
So I hid my diagnosis.
I even manipulated doctors at every new appointment to get the diagnosis I wanted; that was acceptable....
- Chronic PTSD with extreme trauma
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Stress Induced Depression
- Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Primarily Inattentive Type)
- Even Bipolar
Even being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder was more acceptable. Having excessive chemical imbalances in my brains neuro-transmitters are more accepted.
I am now officially diagnosed correctly because I was finally honest with a doctor.
But BPD is so hard to understand.
It affects everyone around me.
It’s affecting everyone now.
I feel like my illness is devouring my soul.
So, my boyfriend is supposed to finally come see me for dinner tonight. We haven’t seen each other in awhile; I have been having excessive obsessive thoughts on all the horrible reasons why he must be avoiding me.
Had our first fight; it was awful.
I can’t handle it “properly” when a person just shuts down. How in the holy fuck balls can someone just shut down?
I panic. I push and push at them; I’m frantic. I end up exploding worse than a volcano.
I’m not exaggerating.
...in that panic I was convinced he was going to end things. That he had a conspiracy with his brother to get revenge for me ditching his brother two decades plus ago.
So…when I explode I say some really messed up things.
It was so mean that I couldn’t believe it was coming out of my mouth. I say everything intentionally to push him away before he can hurt me; and it’s out of my control.
I can’t stop myself.
Than I freak out and become an explosive emotional psychotic that feels like I’m dying...
...the suffocation drowning meltdown ...
Which in turn causes him to not talk to me.
Im not believing he’s going to show up. I am going to go to the bar to drown out the delusional voices.
If only a journal could talk back at you…
Reality Is My Un-Reality
My anxiety is swarming my entire body; it’s like a swarm of bees are living inside me.
I can feel intense irrational rage threatening to emerge.
But before that happens; I am supposed to try relieving this intense and uncontrollable swarm of crap by writing. I’m not sure how that’s going to work; plus, no ones ever going to read it so what exactly is its ultimate worth?
So here it goes, my intense angry and widely blown out of proportion rage outburst. The one that threatened to expose my inner demons with an alcohol fueled explosion..
I should NOT have to call my sales associate to VENT!
That’s how desperate I was to be heard.
Isn’t that a boyfriend job?
Josh is always “convienantly” unavailable. Which pisses me off more because he has NO FUCKING JOB!
I was so proud of myself for effectively communicating my feelings to him last night; I left feeling confident for once! I was secure and felt reassured and confident since we came to an agreement.
Today I needed to talk.
I just got more empty excuses I definitely never believe. My mind has me convinced he’s lying.
This time “my phone was being dumb.”
When I got seriously agitated it was more nonsense about his mom. She thinks he’s ignoring her too. First of all home skillet; your ass is 36 years old and you report to your parents like you are 12. Grow a damn pair. Second of all I’m crazy and paranoid but I’m also not a moron.
You are avoiding me.
This rage is from work.
My rep has officially used my trust and loyalty to him, to totally ruin me. I caught him for the last time. I could feel the heat rise in my face. All sounds started fading away and I couldn’t breathe.
I had no choice but to escalate it.
I want to vomit because I am convinced they will fire me because this officially proves I only pretend to know wtf I am doing as the boss. My two years pretending I see crumbling down around me all because I trusted this kid when I knew better.
I can’t believe that I am sitting on my balcony alone.
I was blown off.
My boyfriend didn’t even call to cancel that dinner we were supposed to have. I am so convinced he’s making fun of me to his brother. They compare notes on my crazy.
Im going to go get a drink at the bar…why not?
“Paranoia Comes to Reality” - February 26, 2019
I got fired…
I have been sitting in my car in the parking lost at work for three hours…
I can’t get the picture out of my head of my bosses face…
I feel like the failure my dad always said I’d be…
I let him down, my team down, my kids down…
I let myself down…
I am so numb…
I kept staring into nothingness…
I finally dialed his number…I knew he’d understand what I’m feeling because he was just fired last month…but he didn’t answer…
I texted him…”babe I was fired”…he responded that he was getting ready to go to his brothers for dinner…I laughed…of course he was…
This overwhelming reality washed over me…it’s a fact I was meant to survive alone.
Not “live” alone…”survive”
Whats sick and confuses me?
I want to feel anger.
I want to feel the pain.
I want to start uncontrollably crying,
I just want to FEEL something…
Instead I slowly faded away…guess disassociation is my biggest blessing…
I struggle to think of literally anything to bring me back to planet earth in my human body…all I can do is re-play every detail in slow motion.
i feel lost…
What the living hell am I supposed to do now?
When will all these struggles make sense?
When will I be able to lean on someone who’s actually there?
Holy shit I have no idea what to do…I keep staring at the ignition…I need to start my hour long commute in dead lock traffic home…
Randomly I heard myself say “I Would rather be melting…”. I think I mean having a meltdown; but Im getting so dizzy and feel floaty.
I don’t want to do this anymore…
I want a release of my torment…
I am lonely…over it…
I am done trying to be someone who’s there for everyone…
I just want this torture to stop. I am in so much pain I can’t even feel it.
I don’t want to do this anymore…
I finally snapped to a bit of reality that I can’t just sit in my car an hour away from home all night. I called my best friend Eddie…he talked me home and now I’m waiting on him to come pick me up so I can go get wasted.
I am really bad off, words can’t begin to describe. I have been disassociating for two days. Just numb. Everyone around me thinks I am taking it so well and telling me how proud of how proactive and responsible I have been since I got canned.
But what they don’t know is I wanted to drive myself off the overpass near North HOLLYWOOD as I swallow all of my pills.
I can feel how far back I have retreated inside myself. I feel like all the different “Abbey’s” were done too; and hiding.
Thursday during an argument with my narcissist employee that ultimately caused me to lose my job... I’m dumb enough to call my boyfriend who actually had the audacity to tell me I was being SELFISH.
It triggered the worst rage I have probably ever felt. I unleashed on that POS and told him what a narcissistic demon he really was.
Then that rage changes to screaming and crying fits; yelling about how he had not been there for me even a little since I got fired and all my dark thoughts of suicide just word vomited everywhere.
Worse my adult son took my keys because I was determined to drive an hour to his house and tell him just how selfish he really was. The “boyfriend” kept hanging up on me demanding that I go get him.
He was trashed at a bar and all of a sudden needed me because he’s not okay and I lost my mind.
I’m the one not okay!
My adult son is yelling at me accusing me of never dealing with pain in my past and my best friend is trying to restrain me.
I can’t describe that feeling of imaginary suffocation.
I felt like my head was going to explode.
Than I had gone to drink and flew into a rage on my Best friend. I grabbed his phone and told off his ex-girlfriend because she is toxic.
My adult son walked to the bar to get me. If it wasn’t for him I’m not sure what I would have done.
I am on the edge.
There’s no one to catch me when I fall…
I can tell when I’m approaching the danger zone…
Im going to fall with no one to catch me…and I am going to fall really soon and I can’t stop it…
© 2020 Abigayle Malchow-Rourk