Articles that I have written with social work in mind, to educate others, in hopes to lead better lives.
As you know, an empathic person is loving and caring, and is said to make up about 40% of the population. However, it is the empathic person's hypersensitive nature that can be a burden in relationships, and that can leave men and/or women helpless. Why is it that men or women are unable to meet the challenge of loving an empathic individual?
Empaths are Honest
An empath will always be honest. Empaths feel obligated to tell the truth. I know I do.
I have dealt with scenarios such as:
A male friend of mine, in high school, cheated on his girlfriend. I told him that he should tell her the truth before someone else does. He told her, and she broke up with him. Not telling someone the truth takes their choice out of their hands. The choice that they have every right to make. The cheater is only living on borrowed time. The truth will come out.
Most recent was a client who was told by me to stay off of his cell phone and get to work. I, later, told his supervisor, that "yes, he was on his cell phone, and I had been telling him that if it is a temptation he should put the cellphone in his locker." The client did not particularly want to do that. Even though the clients Vocational Rehabilitation counselor agreed that this should be done. I have had some client's that are adult enough to make this call on their own. Then, I have some clients who cannot, or will not, make this call for themselves. It is all about knowing your faults.
Why shouldn't one be honest? I don't have to ever remember what lies I told.
Desire for committed relationship
Empaths are true romantics, who are not interested in flings and one night stands, due to the fact that they also see sex as a spiritual act. Empaths want to connect on a deep and meaningful level. Some men do not want this kind of commitment - preferring to jump from bed to bed, and relationship to relationship. If this is what men want, to sow your wild oats - it is best to cross the empath off your conquest list. Have some respect for what the empath wants and leave them alone to achieve the relationship that they do want. A person that will commit to an Empath, 100%.
Of course, Empaths must be alert - as they tend to attract Narcissists. Narcissists will not give an Empath the long term relationship that Empaths seek. Empaths prefer a committed relationship. Marriage being the ideal. If you have no plans for marriage than do not attempt a relationship with an Empath. Or me.
Empaths form very deep connections to people around them. Every encounter is intense and meaningful. Most people cannot handle this intensity.
Scenarios I have had personally:
I remember my first OB/GYN appointment when I was pregnant with my first child. Due to this, I remembered a comment that my doctor made. "When a woman is pregnant, their cervix turns blue." When my now ex-husband was studying for his NCLEX (Nursing license exam) Exam with a friend, his friend read a question pertaining to this. I answered blue. My ex-husband answered pink. I was right. I, then, got into a discussion about our first OB appointment with our first child. He did not remember the conversation with the doctor. However, it was my first child and a meaningful conversation for me.
Another conversation I had with perfect strangers, we were in a restaurant, and this woman walked up to me and said, "you look a lot like my daughter. What's your name?" I told her my name and she told me her daughter's name. Her daughter's middle name was close to my first name. Then she asked me, "can I hug you?" "Sure, why not." (The couple actually reminded me a bit of my own parents, so I could see how their daughter's appearance could be similar to mine.) Pretty interesting connections one can make in every day life.
This is probably why I am known to have a good memory. Because I make connections with my meaningful moments. I don't know how others live without meaning?
Everything happens for a reason.
Ask too many questions
Empaths are interested in the details. Most men don't want to share and think about the details. They don't want to feel like they are being interrogated.
I do have a social work degree. Interviewing skills were part of the curriculum. I actually had to write a paper on an interview with the director of the Wounded Warrior Program on Camp Lejeune Marine Base. I also had to interview different places on New River Air Station about the resources they offered to the Service Members. I also created a County and Marine Base Resource Manual that was to be put on CD ROM for Service Members. The days of a student intern.
See the best and worst in people
Dating men that have a dark side should start out being a deal breaker. In two cases, I have given them chances, and I have regretted it. Those men that have a dark side, you should do yourself and the empathic woman a favor and don't get into a relationship with an empath. Empaths have a high level of integrity, which should be matched in a romantic relationship. Just like loyalty.
Shy guys would be quite the catch. However, when I tried to be the bold one - it did not appear to go over too well. They actually say that we are born perfect, and as we age, we are creating someone unique. I think love is worth the effort.
Someone once told me that the right person for you should always make you nervous. Although, we want to feel comfortable with the person we love, getting too comfortable with the other is usually the reason relationships go south. I believe this could be true, because the couple that I know to feel nervous in their relationship, found their way back to each other. Feeling a little bit nervous is what reminds us how much we love the person we are with. The problem is that as time goes on, we stop paying enough attention to our partners to give ourselves a chance to be nervous.
When I was a military wife, I became friends with this woman that had a daughter. One day, she told me that she was not sure if her husband was the father of her daughter. ?? Needless to say, I do not remember the woman's name because the friendship ended there. Quality friends is a must in life. Quality significant other is what I am ready to seek now, and why I quit job coaching. I want to find love again.
Know what they want
People tend to like many things done their way, which is why some men may not like strong women. An empath is completely sure of what she wants in her life. She won't change her mind, so this may become a burden to the men in relationships with empaths.
In one relationship that I was in, he thought because, at that time, I was a student going for a social work degree, that I could help him get his children back from their maternal grandmother, who had custody. Things are not going to work out that way with an empath. I got him to see his kids a few times. However, it was not the situation he wanted, so he stopped seeing his kids, and, then, me.
I want a solid commitment with someone who does not want children. Someone who likes animals (dogs, cats, horses etc.). Because I really want animals in my life, as well as that special someone. The someone special may, eventually, have to share me with doing volunteer work at an animal shelter, or I will want to buy land and foster animals at home.
Empaths want partners who will satisfy them physically as well as emotionally. Unfortunately, some men are only interested in the physical. It has to be both (emotional as well as physical) or nothing for the empath. Some empaths see sex spiritually, making it meaningful. Which is why many Empaths cannot deal with flings and one night stands. If you cannot form an emotional connection and see the physical as a beautiful and meaningful act - leave the empath alone. It would be a waste of time if the Empath is not on the same page as their partner.
An empaths true commitment can be often perceived as neediness. Most men are not prepared to date only one woman and commit to only her. An empath only ever wants a committed monogamous relationship. They do not invest in flings or one night stands.
If you do not want monogamy, or marriage, don't get into a relationship with an empath.
Consistency and Reliability
An empathic woman has every aspect of her life planned. She does not like taking risks. She wants consistency, who follows plans, and reliability.
Empaths have strong morals which they follow. They cannot be with a partner who does not have the same values and morals that they do.
During my marriage, when my now ex-husband was trying to pass his NCLEX exam, he did not pass it until the third time. After taking the exam the 2nd time, he failed to tell his military command that he had not passed the test to get his nursing license. Which means he was working at Portsmouth Naval Hospital without a license. I kept telling him to tell his command before he gets into more trouble. When they found out, they told him, "you have one more chance to pass the exam, if you do not, you will be kicked out of the Navy." He did pass it the third time, and remained in the Navy, and he is now a Lieutenant Commander.
Nothing that I said to my now ex-husband has ever cut through my ex-husband's façade. That's on him. Not on me. (Stealing sodas from a religious celebration, after our youngest daughter made her First Communion.) However, you think you know someone, and you just find out you never knew each other at all. Guess all the military deployments hid that from both of us, because we ended up having three children together. One just has to hope that the kids have high morals. I did volunteer work in their elementary schools. Their teachers always had good things to say about them. I was one lucky mom.
Recently, I found out that an employee at one of the Walmart's that I coach lost his last living parent. He had a job coach over 12 years ago from another coaching company. Of course, when another Walmart associate pulls you aside to give you this information, and they think he might need coaching again. Well, lets just say that I made a call and found his coaching company, and they will be checking in on him a few times a month. Twelve years is a long time. I had to do what I could to make sure that his foundation never cracks. (Thankfully, my boss was going to make calls on Monday morning to find out which company he was affiliated with 12 years ago, but I went over my bosses' head and contacted a co-worker who used to work for his job coaching company. She got a prompt reply to her email and a plan set up over the weekend to touch base with their former client again. Frankly, if my boss thinks I would not have done anything, he hired the wrong girl.)
Guess the bottom line is, some men cannot understand the empath wanting to be in a committed, monogamous relationship while, at the same time, being independent. However, this is true for many women empaths.
Some men just do not like strong women. Empaths are stronger than one thinks. (My father used to argue with me about my volunteer work, when I lived in Jacksonville, NC. It never changed my mind about doing it.) Therefore, if you do not want a deep and meaningful relationship, don't start one with an empath. Because that is all an empath is searching for. They are searching for someone "special." Their constant. Their true North.
I want to continue to believe in love. I want to love one man. Recently, I had a friend tell me on social media that I should just remain single, and have male friends, but live alone, because men are more trouble than they are worth. (Those were her words, not mine, and which I firmly disagree with. She is also married, but says she will never marry again. I want a loving connection with my man. Someone faithful. Someone that I never have to question about being faithful.) I want to marry the right man the next time around.
Many times, I find myself thinking about my paternal grandfather (I see him as a better male role model than my father.) knowing that the only phrase that my Grandfather knew how to say in English was, "Good God." My grandfather spoke French. French was my first language, and I learned English through the New York State Public Education School System. This taught me about tolerance. Sometimes language does not connect us. However, emotions should always connect us as humans. Some people fight that connection. I did for awhile. Men hurt women just as much as women hurt men. It isn't one gender over the other. However, I realized that I don't really like living without someone special in my life. I want to love a good and decent man, and be loved by him. I know they are still out there. They are just difficult to find.
Those that have been cheated on; don't change who you are for the sake of that pain. The person who cheated moves on too quickly, and the person who got burned carries that and waits to find love again. I am pretty sure that not many rebound relationships actually work out? When you are ready to move on, don't deprive yourself of finding love again, if you so desire to be loved, let yourself be loved.
I miss my grandfather, every day. I will always remember, when he said, "Good God." Even though it seems many humans have forgotten.
All those poets and song writers cannot be wrong about love. I am ready to look for the love of my life now.
If you want to change your life, you are going to have to change how you deal with the situation.