For years I would hear about how and why meditation is helpful and I would just brush it off by saying " how much can it help?". This thought process is not ever been something that has followed me regarding health. I have always been open to many different health-related, so for me to brush it off is unusual. However, for some reason even though I knew meditation would cost me anything, I put it off. This is my journey through 2020 and why at first I thought meditation wasn't for me and how I was wrong.
Early in 2020, the year of all years was the first time that I put effort into meditation. I have been following people on different social media platforms that were talking or showing how meditation could be helpful. All the people that I was listening to in their own way kind of motivated me to do it. Thinking about where I should start I decided that guided meditation was the best way for me. I felt it was the best way to get my feet wet in meditation, as it would be easier to pay attention and follow along.
So for the first couple of weeks, I would every morning when I get up I would put my headphones in and listen to a guided meditation. I would lay in my bed eyes closed and try not to think about anything, just be present as much as possible. At times I felt like I was doing it, I was following along to what they were saying trying so hard to make sure I was doing it perfectly. I thought I was doing well but I just wasn't getting the results I thought I should be getting. I felt that I should feel different, have a different perspective, get some sort of a-ha moment. Well, I didn't get anything to be honest other than resting my eyes most days. So I thought to myself what should I do? continue, a lot of the people that I follow did mention to stick with it for like a month or two, or maybe just give up it's not for me.
I decided that even though I wasn't "feeling" anything that I would continue on this journey. Often you will hear people say that you need to keep up with it and you will have a breakthrough at some point. I thought that it would never come, that I will never have a breakthrough moment. Well, that was until later on that I realized, that the problem wasn't the meditation it was me. It wasn't that I was doing anything wrong or whatnot, it was that I was going in with expectations that something will happen. I thought that I would have all these unbelievable ideas and thoughts come through me, but in the end, nothing ever did. My approach to doing meditation from the beginning was a little off.
So now knowing this I decided to change my approach to my meditations, I would just let everything flow. The one thing that I noticed when I did this that my mind even though I felt that it wasn't going all over the place, it still was. So I knew that if I could just steady my mind not try to control it, but rather keep in the flow it would change everything for me. So that became my goal for me going forward and that's when everything changed for me. It's when I realized what everyone was talking about it's when I started to understand myself more.
So a part of the time when I thought that mediation wasn’t for me was not because I wasn’t any good at it or I was doing it incorrectly. It was that I excepting something to happen, that I went in with expectations. I was trying so hard to make sure to focus and really pay attention that I totally lost the whole purpose of mediation which is to relax to turn off all sensory stimulus and just BE in the moment or what I call in the flow. In the flow to me is just another way of saying to just be in the moment. However, the reason why I say in the flow is because, that's what I feel once I let go of expectations was what I can only describe as an actual flow of energy through my body. It feels like waves in the ocean flowing through every breath in and out I take. I never really noticed it first but as I have gone along in my practice I have. It really feels great, to be honest, when it happens it keeps me more present and allows for me to have just great experiences.
So what I will say is that at the beginning I was just going through the motions I went in thinking that I should just do meditation because I know it will be good for me. I knew that from researching and listening to many people about that they had amazing experiences through meditation sometimes life-changing. I knew that I wanted to have those experiences as I am open to the unknown. However, in saying all that I went in with the wrong intention. I went in expecting something tangible to happen when in fact I just should have tried to be in the moment. I tried too hard at the beginning almost making me give up, but once I learned to stay in my flow and not expect anything a quickly realized that mediation was for me.