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Me and "Sal," the Skeleton

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

I Have a Strong Desire

to introduce you to what I think is "the" most-macabre item ever to cross my keyboard. I will tell you my inner-most thoughts about my topic, and still, I think you might leave after labeling me as some freak. At any rate, let's talk about Skeletons.

Human skeleton at Museum of Osteology, OK.

Human skeleton at Museum of Osteology, OK.

I Confess

that I for one, am THE biggest, most-loyal fan of skeletons this side of the Mississippi River. Yes, ma'am. You can bet your layered hoop skirt and parasol on this and lose. I would go toe-to-toe with anyone, any trained beast or reptile, in a Winner Take All in a Who's The Best at knowing about skeletons and I would win bones, errr, I mean, hands down.

Why shouldn't I keep an authentic, regulation size skeleton in the most-obvious corner of my living room? It's really not that freakish. But on ONE night of the year, my skeleton standing in the corner will instantly become hilarious to those Trick or Treaters who visit me and my wife like clock-work. I just wish that someone out there who deals in skeletons would ship me one and let me send them $30 bucks for their trouble. Getting a skeleton in a tamper-proof package from UPS would be THE highlight of my day.

And when Halloween is over, I wound digress back to being freakish. Your label, not mine. All because of my skeleton that is wearing a wide smile. I mean. Who would get upset at seeing an innocent, friendly skeleton smiling at them? Plus, talk about a great listener, I would have The market on someone who is an artist of never talking, but listening.

Shoot! I could run a classified ad in my local paper and advertise my skeleton for lonely wives who are yearning to be listened to and I would have to charge them a flat rate of $50 bucks an hour. Well, I should charge for the wear and tear on my living room floor. And each item the lonely wife confides in my skeleton, it will NOT leave my living room. And leave happy because my male skeleton would have listened to two-week's worth of painfully-irritating things that the lonely wife has listened to and left a few tears on my skeleton's shoulder.

What a deal! I wish that I had thought of this earlier.

And since my wife and I do not get that much company, my skeleton, let's call him "Sal," to give him that friendly-name because I will ask for all of the background that goes with "Sal" whether he led a model life or was just a nickel and dime thief. But that is old history for "Sal" now because he can only stand in my living room and smile. What an easy gig for any skeleton.

And NO, I would not rent "Sal" out to any Halloween Carnival because to me that is the same as Slavery. And that ugly part of our history must remain buried. (No pun intended). "Sal" is my friend. Not a Skeleton Prostitute that Halloween Carnival side-show or one of those Halloween Terror Programs that a lot of the Southern Baptist Church denominations around my neck of the woods present to help children to stay on the straight and narrow. But when "Sal" gets to my front door, he is going to stay with my wife and me.

But with the glee and rejoicing of "Sal" joining my wife and me to live with us for little of nothing, there just had to be a serious part of this commentary--with that I mean, Certain Phrases and Words that pertain to a skeleton that I can never say in "Sal's" presence--I do respect others. Words like: "working my fingers to the bone"; "You are such a bone head"; "You have lost so much weight that now, I see your rib-cage; "The neck bone is connected to the back bone; "I don't have a selfish bone in my body; "That, my friend, takes some back bone; "Bone-up on the test tomorrow; "Watch me control them *bones; "Get Rover a dog bone; "Give it some elbow grease; Skeleton key; Skull and Cross Bones;Bone dry; and finally . . .Ezekiel 37; 7-10, (prophet) "Speaking life unto those dry bones."

No, this is the last "skeleton-related" part of this commentary.

A skeleton walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "May I help you?"

Skeleton replies, "Yeah. I need a beer and a mop."

"Sal" and I say thanks for spending time with us.

*Bones - dice.

  Construction of the York to Scarborough Bridge 1901 found stone coffin.

Construction of the York to Scarborough Bridge 1901 found stone coffin.

© 2018 Kenneth Avery

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