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What's Your Special One's Personality Type: Spontaneous, Controlling, or Sensibly Guiding?

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Personality has power to uplift, power to depress, power to curse, and power to bless.

-- Paul P. Harris

What Attitude Is Running Your Life Show

In our everyday dealing with life situations, and particularly at interacting with others, we are generally displaying one of three distinct attitudes which may point at a certain personality type.

While they may not be seen in their extreme forms as they are presented here for an easier recognizing -- we can still tell one from another, and even see ourselves belonging in one of the groups.

One is marked by emotions, another by need for control, and the last one by a sensible guidance.

As I was thinking about which one I could single out as most prevalent within the populace, spontaneous one seemed like the best candidate, so there will be much to be said about them.

People are basically pushed by emotions, more than by control or by a sensible guidance, and that can be easily spotted by observing the state of this world in which even our leaders are often driven by tantrums and spitefulness towards one another, that sometimes even ending with catastrophic results.

And generally speaking, our logicalness is oftentimes hijacked by emotions, so that it becomes selective in its catering to our desires, be they conscious or unconscious.

Now, let's see if this spontaneity is really a virtue that's benefitting us, or it is a burden only parading as an "honest, genuine and transparent" display of our personality.


Millions of immature fools are over the age of 50.

-- Mokokoma Mokhanoana

Spontaneous and Relaxed -- Not the Same

Much has been written in favor of being "more spontaneous", mainly as opposed to being "phony" -- but also denoting an association with being relaxed and letting go of control.

That in all possible different contexts -- some religious, others having to do with stress management, meditation, even as a basic principle of self-conduct in life.

However, spontaneity has little, if anything, to do with relaxation, as we are about to see.

In a sense, they may even be viewed as opposites, far from being synonymous.

Relaxation is a state of mind and body characterized by a freedom from stress, whereas spontaneity is an attitude of immaturity, marked by impulsive, oftentimes irresponsible and self-centered behavior that causes friction with others. Meaning, not really a predisposition for relaxation.

"Mind is obedient servant, but a cruel master" -- is a good maxim to assist me in my arguments against spontaneity.

Namely, in a big sense, spontaneity means being switched to the mind's autopilot, which is always mostly dominated by our wishes, and where any demon not exorcised by maturity is playing its drama on the stage of our life.

When we are spontaneous, we act at a spur of the moment, refraining from that most cultivated and updated in us which defines our character and our values.

All that being in favor of those past developmental stages which are in spontaneity given a permanent green light for a free expression.

Spontaneous folks are easily recognizable for their excessive emotionalism. If they are not downright depressed because the world is not showing willingness to cater to their emotional whims, they may be prone to swearing, to a lively hand gesticulation, loud talk and laughter, and shifting moods.

In a darkest scenario they may be prone to arguments even violence. Penitentiaries are filled with spontaneous people whose moral brakes were either too weak of nonexistent in their pursuit to please themselves.

So, none of the above resembles a state of relaxation, and it should never be mistaken for it.


Whatever is begun with anger ends with shame.

-- Thomas Jefferson

Is There a Healthy Anger?

I have seen some books actually condoning a free expression of anger. "Don't keep it inside -- it's hurting you", seems like a reasonable advice -- albeit it loses its value as soon as we start questioning the very reason for ourselves to fly off the handle.

Those authors are seemingly forgetting that it is a normal and everyday coherent mental routine to suppress our emotional whims, so why would anger be an exception?

Being angry is an animalistic reaction, and we should treat it as such. Others of the same category may be irrational urges to eat a whole bowl of ice cream on a hot day, or to grab the ass of a gorgeous chick passing by, or to spend our life savings in casino, or to spend hours watching porn...and alike.

Anger is immaturity and spontaneity in their top aspect.

There is nothing flattering in keeping our anger -- because even a little fraction of our brain can tell us how anger never solves anything, just makes things worse.

So, let us not deceive ourselves about our spontaneity reflecting anything like a "sign of a virtue" in our mental makeup.


When you judge others, you don't define them, you define yourself.

-- Earl Nightingale

Judges with No Robe -- or Control Freaks

As I was saying it at the start of this post, spontaneous people are -- in their different intensities -- predominant in the populace of this world; so there was the most to be said about them.

Next are those who impress me as "judges with no robe".

Whether they happen to be a full blown case of a control freak or just "try" to always have an upper hand in every interaction or a discussion, they are all into controlling, criticizing, belittling, setting norms of normalcy -- in other words, oftentimes a pain in the ass to deal with.

Such normative attitude is more often than not a sign of deep insecurity and a defense mechanism giving them an artificial sense of strength. So they will give you a lecture, not with an intention to better you as a person or to inform you, but to rise themselves above you.

At the bottom of it is the need for power, a strong ego with its arsenal of strategies for survival in the herd -- deeply vulnerable, but overcompensating that sensitivity with that normative, controlling front.

Whatever you do with such types, don't bother inviting them to your home party, since they are big spoilers of fun.

Indeed, they may mistake a home party for a political convention of a sort. But if you ever invite one out of a good heart, please rush to invite another one of that kind, so they keep each other a company and don't disturb others who came to have a good time.

They are likely to reserve a corner of the room for themselves, where they can resolve all global issues -- stop hunger, injustices, crime, and even elect a new president.

With all that expertise in morality, economy, politics and law, they won't even need the whole evening for that, having a lot of time left for discussing prices, house repairs, and to badmouth car mechanics, doctors, and their neighbors.

Now, of course, any of those topics could be, in a mild version an ice-breaker in conversations, something like elevator talk about weather, but it quicky evolves into something more fun to talk about. And so it is with other than those controllers and fixers of the world, who can't but display their morbid and toxic personalities.

A strange breed, I must say, but it must take all kinds, I would guess, to make our human race interesting and complete.

Every so often, especially during our harsh Canadian winters, my wife and I would go to a big shopping mall to stretch our legs -- which is our version of a workout; and while she would do some window shopping, I am just walking back and forth waiting for her and casually observing people.

So I can't miss those stern "sour", stiff-lipped faces, giving an impression as if they tried to smile they would all crack into pieces like a mosaic.

Then I quickly go for a repair of that impression by finding a good looking chick to bring back my faith in the human race.


Follow your intuition, listening to your dreams, your inner voice to guide you.

-- Katori Hall

Sensible Inner Guidance

Finally, a few about those not too many in this world, who are guided by their calm reason, while giving their inner child a chance for a decent expression. A guided child is a happy child, and controlled is a miserable one.

There are times when allowing our emotionality their full expression is the only way to give those moments a proper value. Like in sex, in play, in humor, in artistic expression, in music and dance, on holidays or visits to nature.

Then from time to time it's also O.K. to make an excursion into that carefree and silly mood, either starting with a drink or two more than our usual limit, or over-spending on that irresistible dress, or having that full bowl of ice cream that we normally would not have, or indulging in junk foods -- well, just for the hell of it.

I, for one, normally abstaining from sugar and flour products, could be seen around Christmas holidays eating my wife's cakes like there is no tomorrow -- then stop it altogether after it's over, and let my body detox and reorganize back to its biological homeostasis.

The whole point of a sensible guide is being able to stop, to come back from that trip of indulging, which is, at the end of the day necessary -- just to remind ourselves how lonely and miserable life would be if we pushed for a perfection, which would not only be unattainable, but also self-tormenting.

So here we came to this end of my story about these three types of personality traits with their dominating attitudes of spontaneity, control and sensible guidance.

I hope some of you found some fun of matching what has been said to yourself and to people in your life.

© 2023 Val Karas