I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.
What do You Think About Speed Dating?
Allow Me To Tell You About
a truly hypothetical scene. Pretend that I am single. But very lonely. I have tried dating the conventional way and nothing ever came of it. I made every effort to call the girls who were willing to talk on the phone before I took them out, and I was okay with that, but in a ratio of measurement, I found out that (in my case) four out of six women were bored with me, not that interested, and just wanted someone besides me.
These "train wreck" phone calls all lasted no more than three-minutes and I wasn't trying to set any record. I felt lower than a snake's belly in wagon ruts, I am telling you. Life got pretty dismal and hopeless for me and I was at my wit's end. That was until I happened to read an ad in a magazine in my Therapist's waiting room, and there it was! Eureka! It was like striking oil in Oklahoma. For the first time in months, I was the light at the end of the tunnel.
Naturally, I Was Skeptical
about what the ad said: “Be With Your Date Tonight! Call us at (fake number) And Set-up an Appointment With Us. You Won’t be Sorry!” So what could be the harm from a truthful ad like this one? I am a person who looks for the good in folks, and since I do NOT have a date, what can I lose?
Upon calling the “SkyZ-The-Limit Dating Complex! Guaranteed Results!” It was those last two words, ‘Guaranteed Results,’ that did the job. I went for it like a Big Mouth Bass with a live cricket. I was so ready to get to this dating outlet that I could hardly shower and shave for my hands shaking. I was genuinely nervous as an escaped convict in the police station, but I pressed on. I had thoughts as I dressed: I wonder what she will be like? I wonder what she will look like? I can hardly wait! Then a dose of reality hit me. Was I going overboard? Was I embarking on a depressing journey that could only end up badly?
I drove up to the dating clinic, as it were, and got myself together and walked into the reception area. My hands were shaking as I saw this gorgeous brunette sitting behind the reception desk and walked to fill-out my application.
“Yes, may I help you?” the lovely woman asked so gently.
“Oh, yes. I read your ad and I was interested in following your company’s formula and getting a date, and yes, the ad said guaranteed results,” I explained while my eyes were wide-open as a deer in the headlights.
“Oh, just fill-out this short application . . .name, address, and phone number. We will need that so when we will call you to get you to come in and well, do some speed dating and then date the girl of your dreams. Oh, I am so sorry. There I go sounding so excited,” the lovely brunette said while trying to hide her blush.
I left the dating complex, but left with a new hope of being able to get THE ideal date that I know was waiting just for me.
In Four Days Or More, “SkyZ-The-Limit Dating Complex” was on my phone and the lovely brunette was the one to called me to be in their business on the following Friday at 2:30 p.m., and for me to dress casual. I was so happy that I almost jumped through my ceiling. My heart raced. And my breath was short. Then I thought that I will just have to sit down and collect myself. It was only Wednesday and I had two more days to wait for my “paradise on two great legs” to be my date. I was not hungry. I did not eat or sleep that night and in the morning, I called in sick and told the receptionist that I would be at work the next Monday and she said that was okay. She was a temp and not planning to work but for another week.
For The Next Long Hours
I was excited, then worried. About the natural things that a guy thinks before he is set-up for a date, and the more that I thought, I thought that I needed some rest and sleep because I surely did not want to show-up in a disheveled manner and my nerves eating me up, so I took a sleeping tablet, drank some water and retired for the night.
I tried to sleep, but my eyes kept opening wide. I tried to watch those black and white movies that some networks only show from 2 until 6 a.m., some of them were interesting and some were not. The clock on the wall in my living room said it was 1:30 a.m., so my sleeping tablet was kicking in, so I thought it wise to lay down and close my eyes. Hopefully, I would awaken refreshed the next morning, Thursday, with only one more day to go in order to meet my Dream Girl at the dating clinic.
Thursday came and it would be asleep, and I mean totally to the world. No one would be able to get my attention. Then just like in the horror movies, I jumped and was awake and realized that it was Thursday and I had to eat, shower, and rest for the remainder of the day and might even watch TV while I waited in order to meet the girl of my life on the next day.
Tick . . .tock.
Tick . . .tock.
The hours went as slow as a sloth from the Rain Forest and I got started on my day and tried to not think about the speed dating thing and I almost came to the point of talking myself out of this new venture, but the excitement of the next day at 2:30 p.m., took over doing away with the worries that I had about dating, and just napped for an hour or so.
You Will Never Guess What
came next. I awoke around 10 a.m., the next morning, Friday! What had happened to the Thursday night? I slowly looked around and noticed that my TV was still on and my living room was like I had left it, so I thought . . .2:30 p.m., this would be the hour and day that my life would change for the good.
I showered, shaved, and dressed. Sure I knew that 2:30 p.m., was hours away, but I wanted to not take a chance and be late because this time at the “SkyZ-The-Limit Dating Complex,” I was not going to leave empty-handed. I was ready for a date with a beautiful woman—even the one who worked in the reception area. I did not get her name, but I remembered her as a possible Plan B, if my speed dating performance did not work.
2:10 p.m., I got into my car and drove straight to the dating complex. My heart was racing as it did when I first signed-on with this place. I checked my teeth and hair in my rear view mirror and got out feeling so confident. I was ready alright. I had waited long enough to have some female companionship. The rest was up to the “SkyZ-The-Limit Dating Complex.”
There she was. Sitting at the same receptionist desk looking so gorgeous with her brunette hair done high and she wore this pearl necklace that captured my eye as I walked up to tell her that I was ready to do some speed dating.
She told me that the only thing that I should do is jot down a few answers to a few questions on their questionnaire. And to also jot down a few questions to ask the many pretty girls that was awaiting past a wall in the back of the lobby. I could hardy write for thinking of the girls and how they would talk. Maybe I would score a pretty southern girl that would hit it off with me. I love southern girls and the way that they talk. Before long, the song, “California Girls,” by the Beach Boys was playing in my mind. I had to stick to taking care of business and relaxing.
It Was Now or Never
for me to enter the Dating Room and meet a bevy of gorgeous girls who were wanting the same thing that I did: a date. Simple enough. I sat down where the lovely brunette told me to sit and then she left to head back to her reception area. Man, did she look good and smell just like those models in the perfume ads have in major magazines.
I heard a bell ringing. I was sitting waiting, like I was instructed, for a pretty girl to stop by and talk to me. Several walked by me and sat with another guy. I was having a panic attack just because I had my hopes too high. But I relaxed and just sat.
Then a lovely redhead sat down and spoke: “Hi, handsome.”
“Thanks! I like motorcycles!” I said quickly.
“I don’t. I like raising sheep,” the redhead said.
“But don’t you . . .” she walked away before I could ask another question.
Oh, well. One girl. No success. I must keep going.
Another blonde who looked like one of the Bond Girls, those on the 007 films with Sean Connery.
I spoke: “You like walks in the rain?”
“No. I catch cold easy,” she said.
“Do you like to eat Chinese?” she asked quickly.
“Sometimes, but do you . . .” the jumped up and walked to another table with another man.
I felt betrayed. This was not going well. And the $50.00 I paid to the lovely brunette for my dues was now causing me to wish that I had kept my money.
Up walked a lovely brunette who did look like the legendary Ava Gardner.
“Hi. You like boat rides?” she said as she winked at me.
“YES. I surely do,” I quickly replied.
“Want to get out of here?” she said smiling.
And the rest of hypothetical history. Oh, I suppose that I should tell you a little about the brunette who favored Ava Gardner. Well, as we walked out of the “SkyZ-The-Limit Dating Complex.” she and I held hands as we walked to my car. She was a dream. This place really worked.
“Oh, you from around here?” I asked my new gorgeous brunette date.
“Sure. I live about four blocks down from this place,” she answered fixing her make-up in my rear-view mirror.
“I do not want to sound too bold, but you and the gorgeous receptionist favror so much,” I said feeling confident.
She slowly looked at me and smiled.
“Thank you. The receptionist DOES look beautiful,” she replied winking at me.
“You sure know your women,” she added.
“Well, thank you. I just think that you and the gorgeous receptionist are dream girls,” I said quite confidently.
“I thank you again, and there is a reason for she and I looking a lot like each other,” she explained.
“What is the reason?” I asked holding on to her every word.
“She is my daughter!”
What do you think about that? I thought. “SkyZ-The-Limit Dating Complex,” really works.
June 30, 2019______________________________________________________
© 2019 Kenneth Avery