"There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressible - a wound that will never quite heal."- Susan Wiggs
Death is inevitable. It is everyone's endpoint.
For some, it can be sudden.
Yes, we can prepare ourselves for it but when you are confronted with it and it involves someone you hold dear to your heart, no amount of preparation can anesthetize the pain.
It has never crossed my mind that my mother will leave us suddenly. In the order of nature, I believed that she would reach her old age and she would just leave us naturally in her sleep.
She had always been the pillar, the fortress, who kept us standing. Her tenacity and unwavering drive to provide and give us the good life that every parent would want to give their children was without doubt unquestionable.
There were days that I would see her deep in thoughts, a worried look on her face. I know in my heart that whatever musings she had would always be because of us her children.
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself… You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…”-Kahlil Gibran
She thought she failed us when things did not work well in our lives. I saw the agony and pain in her eyes in every squabble among us her children.
No words can describe her misery when she witnessed the misfortunes of her children.
She grieved silently on the betrayals and yet she never stopped trusting again and again. She had unceasingly extended her hand to pull us back up only to have it slapped back because her children refused to see the wrong in their choices. She can only do so much.
Yet time and again she proved that she never meant any harm and it was her love that welcomed us when we came running back to her again. No reproaches, no blames, but only sorrow that we had to go through all the pains and sufferings to realize the folly of our decisions.
As her staunch ally, I have constantly and unwaveringly believed that she may be critical and too discerning but these were not reasons for her to put the burden on her shoulders for all the choices her children made.
It is not our society nor our parents nor even our friends that define who we become to be. We are accountable for all our choices and actions.
So many regrets but we can no longer go back...
"There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth."- Charles Dickens
I wish I could have done more for my mother.
I wish that I was given more time to be with her or I wish I should have given her more of my time.
I wish I could have given her a more luxurious life.
I wish I could have traveled with her to Jerusalem.
I even wish I could see her once again sitting in the backyard with her female companions, happily playing their favorite card game.
I wish to taste her cooking again.
I wish to hear her jokes.
I wish to hear her stories.
I just wish to hear her voice.
I wish to put my hands on her shoulders to see how shorter she had become.
I wish to hold her hands, wrinkled by time and years of hard work.
I could go on wishing for more but then it is all for nothing.
Mom is gone...
There will no longer be audible Korean voices in the early morning as Nanay, as we fondly call her, loved watching Korean drama.
I can no longer see her familiar short but plump stature as she busied herself instructing her assistant in preparing the day's meals in the kitchen.
I miss sitting by her side on the dining table as she happily watched me gobble everything she prepared for mealtime.
I miss seeing her face after pulling an all-nighter in the hospital. Seeing her face waiting for me by our front window was always a welcome sight.
I long for her worn-out jokes which I have heard since I was in elementary that I have memorized when she will deliver the punchline.
I miss our small talks before we go to bed.
I yearn for her advice or just having her by my side as I poured out my frustrations and anger about anything and everything.
I want to go back in time. Not to change anything, but to feel something again.” – Mercer
Time heals all wounds but the longing will always be there.
The void will never be filled. I have tried to relive her memories only to feel the emptiness even more.
I have lost not only a MOTHER but also my ONLY BEST FRIEND.
I can still feel the pain I felt while I was holding your hand on our way to the hospital. I was trying so much to be strong and composed for you.
I was fervently praying, imploring, pleading to God, to Blessed Virgin Mary and all the saints that I can recall not to take you away from me yet.
But it was all in vain. God believed you are in a better place in there. So who am I to question that.
It pained me that I failed you at the time you needed me the most.
I am sorry that I was not able to do anything to alleviate your pain. Nonetheless, I am grateful that God did not allow you to suffer much. It was abrupt that I had just turned my head then you let go and never woke again.
"Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained"-.Jonathan Harnisch
No GOODBYES, not even a chance for you to hear me simply say THANK YOU.
If the afterlife truly exists, I hope that you reap your reward for all your sacrifices as a daughter, sister, mother, wife, grandmother, or simply as a good human being.
May you finally enjoy all the pleasures that you rightly deserve.
"I think perhaps I will always hold a candle for you – even until it burns my hand.
And when the light has long since gone …. I will be there in the darkness holding what remains, quite simply because I cannot let go."- Ranata Suzuki
I will always miss you.
Even though your poignant memories will always evoke a tug on my heartstrings, I will never cease remembering you.
When I look up at the sky on days when I feel like the whole world is on my shoulder and you happen to see me from where you are, please smile for me.
And if miracles do happen please blow the wind in my direction to warm my forlorn heart.
I LOVE YOU, MOM.....THANK YOU... WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN!
© 2021 Harriet Dionela