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I Want a Pirate’s Life . . . Harrrrrr

Kenneth, born and raised in the South, resides in Hamilton, Alabama. He enjoys sharing his unique perspectives on life through his writing.

Female pirate.

Female pirate.

They Have Names Such as

Captain Kidd; Blackbeard; Calico Jack; Frances Drake; Henry Morgan and Madame Cheng. Sure there lots of other names of real pirates, but I think that these two shall be enough. No, I did not mention Johnny Depp, aka/"Jack Sparrow," who starred in Pirates of The Caribbean, and frankly, Depp did a great job.

And when I think of these real pirates, I begin to daydream about how life would really be if I had been born a famous pirate sailing the Seven Seas with a big ship, well-trained, civil crew, plenty of grub, and a raccoon mascot named "Jerry." Wouldn't that be a lot of fun? I think that it would help to fulfill my young life as a moderate, scared of everything and everyone, never getting to see ONE of my dreams come to pass. But then I think. A pirate's life was not that bad. If you think of it.

  • Living like a pirate did have its advantages:
  • eating good food (that I would steal, but not steal from families who had close to nothing. Not paying bills. Not paying or filing income tax, and for this, I would keep my mouth shut and not mention tax to any of the Englishers.
  • Sleeping as late as I wanted.
  • Staying out any night that I wanted to date gorgeous maids who adored me and my beard.
  • Forming a system of saving what cut I would receive from my next raid upon rich Colonial ships.

You see. There are more “not’s” than words like “illegal,” “court room,” and “jail time.” There are a lot more terrible words, but I think that these few say so much. I would though, hire myself an intelligent tutor, “Maddie Rose III,” the third cousin of the sitting king when I would be in his country.

My tutor would be so beautiful that my heart would stop with her every word because I wanted her to teach me how to be a pirate with class and grooming. I did not want to be an average pirate. I did not live an average life when I was myself at present time, so why should I resort to living as an “Average Joe” when piracy was a way of life? I want, more than anything, to dress like a successful pirate and one who is not selfish so I can help those who deserve my help and not ask for any fanfare.

Texas Renaissance Festival.

Texas Renaissance Festival.

In Other Words

I am getting my plans ready now to find out more about being an humble, quiet-natured pirate, who has a soft laughter and one who listens to his crew and those who my crew captures, then feeds a hot meal and gives them some new clothing and several gold coins in their pocket so they can have a fresh start in life. The only problem would be trying to keep “these” people from rioting against my ship and crew because I would not be able to hire all of this group, except 10, maybe 12 people.

Right now, I know what you are thinking. I am setting sail (nice sailing term, huh?) to be the world’s Most-Sensitive Pirate, but you are so wrong. Sure, when a fight erupts between a captured crew that I am taking to the nearest village so I can leave them and find work for their self-confidence, then I would have to take drastic measures such as holding a Breath-Holding Contest between the loudest foe and me. What a way to build a great morale between my crew members. I think that my new pirate ideas would work.

Now you are seeking wisdom about my love life as a pirate, right? Come on. Be honest. I will be the most-honest pirate that the seven seas have ever seen. So yes, I want to have a gorgeous girlfriend in every port where we stop and trade gold coins, self-designed shirts, shoes and new food that my cook, “Pierre Le Buchan,” a prisoner in France until I talked with him and taught him how to read and write, now he has a diploma and a degree in cooking, so he will surely have a place with me and the crew as we enter the nearest village.

But my thoughts are about finding “that” beautiful brunette, say about 22, single, and has a fiery sense of humor and can dance the Tango with yours truly so much that she will beg for mercy. Of course I am exaggerating, but I would love to take her to a lavish restaurant alone with lavish food items (costing $500.00 or more) and then we can take a long midnight stroll by moonlight on a deserted beach and then, when she dozes off, I can make my escape leaving her to dream of me, the New Look Pirate.

Would I Look as Dashing as This Pirate?

Would I Look as Dashing as This Pirate?

About My Crew

you would fall on your face in awe when I tell you about them. I would hire the BEST of the BEST chefs, not cooks, and other crewmen and women, yes females, because I am an equal employment pirate, and would have them all get a college degree on Business, Engineering, Political Science, and World Diplomacy. You can’t go wrong if you start out with a crew such as this, if you are a new pirate waiting to set sail across the world. Did I think of everything?

Oh yes. I almost forgot. I would hire only the BEST musicians, comedians, and poets in order for my crew to have a slice of culture from every area of the world. Plus, I would not ask that they work any harder than my crew and me. I love to work, but I also love to play and be entertained. But in a good, clean way.

As For The Salary

that I would pay my entire crew, (depending on the gold and silver that I fenced) the crew, musicians, comedians, and poets would be lavishly-compensated, and yes, they would all get a week’s paid vacation for one year, then in two years, they all get two-weeks paid vacation. And me? I would turn my New Look pirate ship, the fitting name, the New Look and I would slip away to the West Indies where I can dine with more lavish-but-healthy foods, have peaceful naps, and plenty of female company, but ONLY for lively talk about World Events and things like that. And my bodyguards, (former SEAL Team 6 members) would stand guard for me and my staff and yes, they would be lavishly-paid.

Who would be in charge of the New Look? My second in command, “Julie Storm,” an expert sailing person, speaking eight or more languages, a martial arts master, and an I.Q. of 300, and yes, I would pay her lavishly—plus her and my crew and bodyguards would have a great healthcare and retirement benefits that would rival that of the President of The United States.

I Suppose Right Now

that most of you are thinking, how on earth can this Kenny Avery, resident of northwest Alabama for (going on) 65 years, have a pirate’s life? Well, my ace in the hole is that I know a few things that you do not know, so thereby, I have somewhat of an edge on the subject of Living Life as a Pirate, so you might want to compare “my” reasons why I have chosen this life and see for yourself if you think that I am insane.

  • E-Mailing – does exist in northwest Alabama, so this is a new tool for us “Pirate Wannabe’s,” so all that I really have to do is email Johnny Depp and find out how he prepared for his character, “Jack Sparrow,” and if he can help me with my transformation, then look for my crew and me to be co-starring with him in his next Pirate film.
  • Looks – on the surface has me as the winner compared to Depp. Of course, I am much older, but I also have a bit more life experience and for me playing a Pirate would be as easy as learning how to sail my huge schooner. And I could steal enough money to pay for the sailing lessons. So what’s the problem?
  • Acting – is not that tough. And I am not boasting by any stretch of the imagination, but I have had four years of acting, writing, and directing a community theater troupe and although it is work, it is a great work. The only obstacle I have is having memory enough (like Depp) to remember all of my lines in Depp’s newest “Pirates of The Caribbean, co-starring, Ken Avery and Crew,” sure to be a guaranteed hit.
  • Charisma – and this area is where Johnny Depp can leave me in his dust, because he has had considerable experience in TV, film, and Broadway acting. Sure, I had four years and Depp has had over 20 years, I might ask him to teach me the in’s and out’s of acting and this way, I would not be ashamed to tell Depp’s friends if I would make a good pirate in and outside of the studio.

That is four main areas where I would either excel or fail, when it comes to be a real-life Pirate, but I have high hopes of sailing your way. So the next time you and your family are on a vacation in Hawaii, Destin, Fla., or Gulf Shores, Ala., and you see this huge ship with the name, “The New Look,” and then spot my crew and I waving at you, then you will not have to guess whom this is . . .it is yours truly.

(See the poll at bottom to voice your vote).

July 22, 2019_______________________________________________________


© 2019 Kenneth Avery