Kui is an online writer whose mantra has always been I know I’m not perfect, but stories are always better with a touch of imperfection
Someone once said that the moments leading up to a first kiss are more magical than the kiss itself. When your heart is beating faster than ad reline, the butterflies are just settling in, your mind is racing with excitement, Will I do this right? Should tilt my head to the right, or to the left? at the same time serotonin is just overflowing in your veins cause you can’t remember the last time you felt this alive and excited, and for a split second time stops. Like the universe is giving you a chance to fully be in the moment.
Depression is kinda like that, well at least for me it is, in my experience, your heart slows down, like its sending a warning because somehow it knows you might not be in the right state of mind to handle what’s coming next, the butterflies are setting in but for a different reason, you have gotten addicted to always looking for some sort of fix, so they wonder, what will she do next, Will she cut herself? Will she get a new tattoo? Will she punch someone? It’s a like a new adventure, then your mind begins to play around with your thoughts, How did I get here again? Will I always be not good enough? Does death make it better? Is it selfish for me to choose surrendering over fighting? Just when you thought you were done spiraling, your veins begin to bulge up with this certain urge to scream and for what feels like eternity time stops and all you can do is lay down and hope it will fade away.
I wasn’t raised to be in tune with my feelings, every time I cried my father rolled his eyes saying “crying is a sign of weakness and I raised you to be better” so every time all of this happened I just push it down and pray that I will never have to deal with it again. Spoiler alert, I always have to deal with it again, see, don’t underestimate the power of pain to resurface no matter how deep you burry it and it comes with a force so reckoning that it pushes you over the edge. It makes you feel so defeated.
Unlike my previous articles, this one will not end on a positive note, it’s not a guide on how to deal with depression, but God knows I could use one of those, it’s a broken girl’s way of trying to get her story out, somehow getting her stories out make her feel less alone and in control and right now she could really use that feeling.
“What I would have done to have heard a story like mine, Not for reputation, not for money, not for power. But to feel less alone, to feel connected.”
— Hannah Gadsby
© 2021 Kui Mutua