I thought I was having an existential crisis, but when I looked it up the definition was wrong. It seems I am having a sort of "solipsist" crisis instead. I am unsure of anything other than my own existence as a consciousness.
EVERYTHING could be a hallucination, or some type of dream. I am just not sure of anything at all. I have been thinking this way on and off for several years now, right now it's pretty intense,and causing a lot of anxiety.
I have been very panicky the last week or so. Some nights not able to sleep at all. I really don't know what is going on. It is very unpleasant and I don't like it. My boyfriend is supportive, but I know that I can only work through this on my own. Maybe with God's help too.
I get to the point where I am almost feeling desperate. I have had many anxiety attacks in the past week or so.
I am trying to distract myself by writing, but I don't know if that's helping. Especially when I am writing about my problems. A couple more weeks before I can see my doctor. It is impossible to see him sooner. Hopefully he will increase my meds, or give me something different. Something that helps me seep too.
I'm feeling a little calmer now. Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. It started when I tried quitting smoking. Then I started with the anxiety attacks. It's not about smoking, though, I know that. It is more. It's how I see myself. It's how I deal with things. I totally get that part. But why would that make me have a weird crisis of identity?
It comes and goes. I can feel completely normal one minute, and then be in a panic the next. And I get derealization and hallucinations when I panic. Usually tactile hallucinations. Weird energy.
I'm sorry if none of this is making any sense. It makes no sense to me. All I can do is try to stay in consensus reality, which is hard. I try to just do normal things, my daily activities. It helps to make a list and then check things off the list. Even simple things I do every day. Keeping busy doing normal activities is the best way to deal with it. Keeping things ordinary and routine.
My newest fears are different from fears I've had before. This is all new territory for me. Not the solipsism really, that's been on and off for a while. I don't think I had a name for it earlier though. Honestly I'm not sure if writing and talking about it helps or not. Sometimes it seems activating and triggering. Maybe it is. But it does focus my thoughts, so I can get to the bottom of things. And figure out what's going on. Because no one is telling me.
This of course isn't the worst thing in the world...people go through a lot worse than this. I've been through worse But it sucks. It really sucks. I do tend to focus on myself and my problems a lot. That is another sign of a solipsist.
Am I completely crazy? It's a possibility. You have to be at least a little crazy to think this way. Everyone thinks I am crazy, so maybe I am. I don't know. I know I'm not like other people. I am not normal. I never have been. There's probably a reason I have a Schizoaffective Disorder diagnosis.
I hope an increase in dosage will take care of the problem. That would be an easy fix. But I really don't think there is an easy fix. There is more going on than I know. I know I think too much. My mind gets away from me sometimes. Like it is doing now. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I just be normal? I pretended to be normal for years. Decades. Then it all got to be too much.
Life has turned out to be much weirder than I expected. There are so many questions I have, and I don't know who to ask or where to look.