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Satire: How to Build President Trump's Wall on the U.S-Mexican Border

Luke Holm earned bachelor degrees in English and Philosophy from NIU. He is a middle school teacher and a creative writer.


Build It Into Space

If I built a wall, I'd build it into space. That way no one could fly over it.

It is estimated that 25-41% of undocumented immigrants fly across the U.S.-Mexican border legally, with green cards, and then overstay their visas. News anchor and political writer Jorge Ramos cited the 1997 the U.S. Immigration and Neutralization Service, the INS, when revealing this statistic.

The fact is that most undocumented (illegal) immigrants come to the United States legally and then overstay their visas. Most of the time, these people end up supporting American infrastructure in numerous ways. They root themselves in sanctuary cities, buy homes, get jobs, and work long hours to support their families.

Undocumented citizens are people trying to make a better life for themselves and their loved ones. If I were fleeing and oppressive regime, a dangerous country, or an uninhabitable land to save my family from despair, nothing could stop me.

That's why I suggest we build the wall into space. That way, no one can fly over it unless they have a rocket ship. At that point, they should probably just go colonize Mars...


Dig It Deep Into The Earth's Core

If I built a wall, I'd burry it deep into the earth's core. That way no one could dig under it.

Acknowledging the possibility of illegal border crossing underground, President Trump stated in his Arizona immigration speech that his border plan would utilize the best underground sensor technology. The only problem with his plan, though, is that such technology doesn't currently exist. While border patrol has become highly advanced, modern day radar sensory systems such as the one he is proposing are likely years away from coming to fruition.

Since 1990, over 200 underground tunnels have been found spanning between the Mexican-American border. Most of these tunnels are used for drug smuggling. They often intersect with sewage lines and drainage systems shared by nearby cities.

While modern day sensors can detect up to ten feet into the earth, many tunnels are dug much deeper, sometimes up to 90 feet deep. Furthermore, it is difficult to tell where these tunnels might be located, making the initial search with the detectors even more difficult. David Shaw, a special agent in charge of Homeland Security was quoted stating, "For every tunnel we find, we feel they’re building another one somewhere, and they might get more creative in concealing it..."

Since there are always new and more elaborate ways to dig under the border, I suggest we burry the wall as deep as the earth's core. That way if anyone tries to dig under it, they explode into flames before crossing illegally...


Extend It Far Out Into The Oceans

If I built a wall, I'd extend it far out into the oceans. That way no one could take a boat around it.

The United States has just over 12,000 miles of coastlines. This expansive area becomes prime real-estate for those crossing the border illegally. Every year, hundreds of Mexicans arrive on American shores in boats built for abandonment. Boats are frequently found abandoned on southern shores and many southern residents claim that they hear motor boats throughout the night sneaking people into the U.S. and then returning back to Mexico.

It is impossible to tell how many people use water systems to cross the border illegally. U.S. Customs and Border Patrol officer Tim Feige, who has worked in the 400 square mile area of the Pacific Ocean between Tijuana, Mexico and Los Angeles, stated, “It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack, and the haystack is the Pacific Ocean.”

Since 2008, over 2,000 people have been caught crossing the border via costal waters. While the United States does have a small 330 ft. fence protruding off the cost of Tijuana, this is more of a joke than a deterrent. This is why I suggest we build a fence as far out into the ocean as we possibly can. It's the only way to prevent illegal intrusion via ocean and costal waters. Maybe they'll run out of gas and drift back to Mexico...


Include Heat Seeking Radar Detectors

If I built a wall, I'd include heat seeking radar detectors at border patrol stations. That way no one could sneak past undetected.

Coyotes make a lot of money ferrying illegal immigrants across the Mexican-U.S. border. While statistics are hard to pin down, there are many tales of elaborate and creative ways to hide a person inside of a vehicle.

Illegal immigrants have been sewn into seats, hidden in false compartments, hidden near engines, and smuggled in dashboards. Typically, canines can sniff out these desperate humans, but who knows how many people evade border patrol through these means.

This is why I suggest we swap out the dogs for heat seeking devices. By scanning and rescanning all vehicles that cross the border, we can ensure no one will sneak past our impenetrable wall. Maybe we can add a laser beam to this device. That way they are incinerated upon location and we never have to look again...


Wrap It Around The Entire United States

If I built a wall, I'd wrap it around the entire United States. That way everyone knows they aren't welcome.

Marc Rosenblum at the Migration Policy Institute stated that about 16% of unauthorized Mexican immigrants, about 27% of unauthorized Central Americans, and about 91% of all other unauthorized immigrants arrive not by land, but by plane. This statistic translates to about a third of all overstays coming from Mexico and Central America and the other two-thirds coming from the rest of the world.

Building the wall will only encourage people to never leave the United States, once they have arrived. Why would they go through so much trouble just to leave and risk never being able to return? When the U.S. was less strict, enacting a pseudo open-door policy, the rate of illegal immigrants staying in the United States was much lower. People came to the U.S. for work, made money, and then brought it home to their families. That way their children could eat.

We're already preventing people from certain countries from entering into the United States. Regardless of whether they are immigrating or traveling legally, the U.S. is working hard to cut off its borders. If we are going to build a Mexican-American wall, why not just continue building it around the entire U.S.? While we're at it, maybe we can make a roof to prevent people entering via airspace. Better yet, let's not build a wall at all. Let's just build a giant dome...


Include A Prize Grabber Claw

If I built a wall, I'd include an intelligent mechanical prize grabber claw. That way I could uproot any hardworking, undocumented citizens from their homes and simply drop them on the other side, where they belong.

As previously stated, the majority of undocumented citizens came to the United States legally and then overstayed their visas. In the early 1990s, it was estimated that about 60% of illegal immigrants jumped the border in a way deemed illegal. Since then, the government has cracked down on border patrol.

In some sense, the increase in border patrol worked. The number of illegal immigrants began to decline. What didn't decline, though, was the number of overstay immigrants who crossed the border legally. Now, estimates are an upwards of 60% that suggest undocumented citizens crossed legally, usually via plane, and overstayed their visas. If the government builds a wall, they should expect to see an even larger influx of illegal immigrants.

A prize grabber claw would not only be a fun and exciting way to deport undocumented citizens, it could also enhance hand-eye coordination. Maybe we can even get a prize for whoever sends the most people back to Mexico...


Include A Giant Cross

Finally, if I built a wall, I'd put a giant cross on top. That way everyone would know how Christian I am.

Many people advocating for the wall claim to be Christians. Ignoring the obvious dichotomy between turning their backs on their neighbors and welcoming all of humanity with open, loving arms, they allow themselves to be brainwashed by the violent and aggressive media pouring out of our televisions daily. I'm not sure if you realize this, but Mexicans are people too.

The human race is a family. Are there bad apples in every family? Sure. However, there are not as many correlations between violent crimes committed by undocumented citizens as compared to legal citizens as you might think. In 2013, white Americans accounted for approximately 71% of all sexual assaults as compared to only 9% committed by Latinos.

From 1990 to 2013, the number of undocumented immigrants in the country tripled from 3.5 million to 11.2 million. Yet during that time, violent crime rates dropped 48% nationwide. Studies continuously show that there is no correlation between undocumented citizens and an increase in criminal behavior. For example, the incarceration for US born citizens is 3.51%, compared to the 0.86% incarceration rate for those born in foreign countries.

Before I throw down too many numbers, which are very confusing, let me get to the essence of my subject. The U.S. population is consuming massive amounts of media garbage. What we are told is not what we should know. We eat the dirt and spit to sew similar negative opinions about the world around us. If we do not take control of our minds and our country soon, our democracy will devolve into a tyranny.

Life is short. We are only here for a short while. The powers that be have made you feel encroached upon by unwanted guests. The truth is, though, that everyone was born onto this planet without a choice in where they were born.

Adults love to grasp at any power they can. When will they realize that they are acting like children? When will humanity put aside its differences and see the truth of humanity? We are here together, born separate, but equal. We need to embrace each other if we want our species to evolve and progress to greater heights of ingenuity and power. The segregation of our population as a planet is putting us at a standstill.

Think about the children. Think about the future. Think about the truth of our reality. We are here together. Instead of sectioning off plots of land, we should be working together to enhance our existence. When will people embrace the words of our loving Lord, "Love thy neighbor as thyself?"

The way people are acting is making me sick. I hope that soon we will see through the veil and smoke screen propogated by media giants and oil barrens. I hope that soon we will see the spark of life in our brother's and sister's eyes. I hope that soon, people will let go their egos and learn to love. For if we don't learn to love, there won't be much to love very, very soon.

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2017 JourneyHolm

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