Writing is my passion. I have an undying thirst and quest in the field of writing. Some eat, drink, or use drugs when stressed; I write.
Sometimes life has a way of shaking everything that can be shaken inside you. When the strong wind of trail shakes you so hard, it can affect every aspect of your life. From my experience when a person experiences this kind of challenging affliction, it’s through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be healed. And when someone encounters a profound trial, it mounts to be one of the most compelling priceless gifts anyone can ever receive.
When life traps you in a debilitating or life-threatening situation, it feels like you're living in a thick fog that separates you from the rest of the world. It’s the kind of unshakeable experience that comes with a distinctive test, and what's challenging feels overwhelming; what's disheartening feels unbearable and you desperately want the difficulty and hurt to just go away.
In other words, I learned the heartache and pain you’re feeling is what serves a special purpose for your good and it is God's ways of pulling you out of your comfort zones so that you can grow closer to Him.
Reminiscing back to my early 30’s, the trials and tribulations were much like a martini. They came in mixed distress and a shaken that feels like severe pain that's hard to distinguish from different parts of the body. Some encounters came to shake me really hard and others I didn't allow to stir me. The aftermath of the encounter was more like the whirlwind that sweeps away every object it meets. And I was left feeling like an uncertain juggler in the pursuit of balance.
Although in my early 30’s, I experience some of the most challenging turning points in my life. I am so grateful, I had two wonderful peoples in my life that made my life a lot easier. I had a wonderful husband who pleasant and comforting touch could assist me in all my pain, he knew how to encourage and help in making things better. And I had a beautiful baby girl that I gave birth to, she gave me strength when I thought of giving up.
We were a close family struggling together within this great big world and at times, when we had to, we secure ourselves inside of a plastic bubble. A foam that was developed as our comfort zone. It's a place where we can see everything that is going on in the world. It was a protector, nothing could get inside while life goes on, and we were protected and we choose when to step outside of it.
The bubble was formed from our life experiences. We took every opportunity that evolved our way scrolling through it inside the bubble. Every time we had something new that needs our attention, we step outside of it and when it got too hard, back inside to our comfort zone. Our trouble was absorbed into the bubble and our bubble becomes just a little bit bigger each challenge.
As we maintain the trails ultimately, our bubble will become big enough that we will no longer feel limited by all going on in the world. In other words, I use the example of the bubble that surrounds my family as to how sometimes we allow life to limited us to a fabrication. Making it hard to step outside of our comfort zone, and we will never live our dreams.
I am grateful I know how a bubble comes with a limit and prevent you from living or developing in life. It's something some people develop to help solve problems of the unknown which everyone is so scared of, but that does not make it safe or healthy.
When someone creates a plastic bubble in their life, there’s no possible hope for things ever feeling better, the memory is edited and you encountered stuff that confirms that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.
I must say, we all need protection, and desire happiness; especially when you find that what used to feel as joy now feels like nothing but pure pain and heartache. The chances are that there is a reason as to why your life is not the way you want it. Except, when you have the right peoples striving with you, you don't have to pursue moments to find happiness, they were already right in front of you. They only assist you to find it.
I learned to visualize how to move forward in the future and not move backward. We were the type of family that confides and comforts each other when it came to the trials and tribulations. I can remember all the times that we laugh at the unexpected. Those trails weren't easy, we encountered some serious and very difficult time throughout life.
Although it wasn't easy getting past the trials, I found strength with an ever-so-patience husband and a little beautiful girl, I am so grateful for having their present to work through my challenges and the memories of the freedom days we gain together are just amazing.
Just when it looked as if my life was soaring at an all-time high, I was shaken to the core. Early in the morning as my husband and I was sleeping, I felt him shaking, I jumped up to turn on the light, shortly after, I heard a crash.
As I turned on the light, I witness my husband fall over beside the bed. I tried to pick him up, but he was too stiff and just too heavy. His daddy had to be driving really fast because ten to fifteen minutes after I called him, he arrives and helps me pick him up from beside the bed. That day it was like the grounds beneath my feet akin to quicksand, and I was no longer on stable ground.
I call 911 and when they arrived, he was already dead. They worked on him and said they revived him and found a pulse and rushed him to the emergency room. I grab my purse and daughter, rushed out the door to arrive at the hospital shortly after the ambulance.
The waiting was so long and hard that it felt as if I had a difficult time breathing. I even felt a tightness in my chest, which I know was stress and fear from one of the scariest moments of my life. It was over two hours before someone came out to tell me, he had a heart attack as to where his heart exploded in his chest and they had to give him a balloon heart.
He stayed hooked to a machine for a little over a month. He was on a life support system. The machine was the only thing, assuming the work of breathing keeping him alive. I wanted so desperately for him to be able to breathe on his own, so I left him on the machine a little longer than I should.
If I could have created a miracle to recover him, I would have, but deep down inside, I knew he was in limbo, only kept alive by a machine and that there was no real hope nor no prospect of survival outside the machine. After all, the machine is a very expensive, labor expedited and unsuccessful effort to attempt to save him, hoping he’ll be able to cheat death.
Yet, I knew his soul was gone, has left his body. All left was a body. Laying there on life support where it pumps blood out of the body, oxygenates it and returns it to his body. He was lying there like a prisoner and the only way to free him was for me to let him go so his soul could move on and he can rest in peace.
My view of things at this point has no place because I am flailing mentally and my mind is slipping in and out. I don't know what emotion, I am experiencing, I found myself in complete shock. My body went numb. I'm crying barrels of tears, I panic, the people near me seem so far off and I felt defeated. It was as if no one seems to understand my hurt, and the people who kept saying, "I am sorry" seem insincere.
When it was time to let go, the doctor announced he's passed away. I wanted to be able to cope with the idea he's no longer here. I tried so hard, but when I heard the words flow from the doctor mouth, I felt overheated.
So, I stood up from my chair to walk out of the room to go get some air. I can remember saying, “What?” over and over again and I passed out. When I came back to myself, my sister was trying to ensure me everything will be okay.
I know that’s normal for your loved one to do all they can to comfort you, but I couldn’t see everything being okay, when the love of my life, a man that knew how to lift the storm and stop the rain and deliver sunshine, everything that I been living for is gone.
When my husband first died, I felt as if I was losing control of everything, I was losing my mind, but not in the ways you might think. To the point where I lost control of the season as to where it feels like every day is winter and the summer, spring and fall failed to occur. Where every day is always going to be winter in every season of my life. Each day is an ice storm and I am slipping and sliding and no one can help me.
I walked around like a zombie for many months, but just as the time was headed into a year, I knew I had to snap out of it and it finally registered with me, life is supposed to get out of control so that we can take control back again.
Through all the seasons of the winter in the cold, what keeps me going is I had to be the mother, I needed to be for my daughter. She was my only reason for living now if it was for her it's possible, I might have given up on life and living. And the older she gets, the more she grew to look like her daddy. As I held her and look at her it was as if, I still had a part of him here, he was still near.
Yes, my husband dead hit me very hard and shook me in a way I will never ever experience. And a lot of my days consist of crying uncontrollably, and constantly crying for little to no reason at all, and sometimes I wanted to have angry outbursts. Nonetheless, when I look at my little girl, someone we created together, she gave me hope.
Moreover, although I was shaken deeply, not stirred enough by a life-changing experience to give up on my dreams or allow it to keep me depressed. The winter patch consumed me, but I learned it's been all about growth. The unhappiness I felt in the depth of the winter seasons was tough, only my goals remain untouched and I am working toward the next phase of my growth.
I sometimes today struggled off and on, but I no longer feel like an empty shell wondering through the motions of life. And with everything that goes wrong, there is a lesson. Before you learn the experience, fear is going to sweep in at the fastest speed. You'll find it hard for weak people to take back control of their life and some don't.
It's not easy recovering when you have been shaken unexpected, only you will have to do whatever it takes to change the course of your life. I improved my situation by identifying and coming to the realization, my husband was gone, never coming back. That doesn't mean I need to forget him and how things were, just I had to come up with a way to feel the comfort that comes with he's no longer here. Now that I have, I can move forward to be the woman, I am developing to be, I am shaken, not stirred.
James Fortune & Fiya 'I Trust You'
Shaken, Not Stirred!
Shaken Not Stirred by Christopher Alan Low
© 2019 Pam Morris