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How They Judge Someone

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My name is Starly. I am not an experienced writer but would like to share some of my stories.

Special thanks to Finn for publishing this photo for public use. You may follow him on instagram at @finnnyc

Special thanks to Finn for publishing this photo for public use. You may follow him on instagram at @finnnyc

How some people look at others

In my country, people usually judge a person's problem and brushing it off as "pretending to have a problem" or "is just overreacting". I have heard the same thing over and over for the past few years. I would like to remind those who read this that this is something I would like to share as a personal experience, please do not continue if you feel unsettled by my story.

Everyone has experienced a bad relationship, family problems, social issues and a lot more, in our country, the "freedom of speech" is usually being used negatively or is mostly misinterpreted. The way you walk, how you dress, and how you act is always judged, or worse, gets spread in social media. The first thing that would do this would be your own parents. Apologies if I may offend those who read this, yes, I love my parents, even back when I was younger. Even if they chose what school I should attend, what course I should pick for college and what job I should take, and when being asked why, they respond with, "This is the highest paying career". I would agree to almost everything they want, I did not get to go out and hang out with people, even after graduating, I must be home after my shift ends at work. I only took a vocational degree of 2 years for computer programming at college since my parents did not want to pay too much for my tuition. So I end up working at a call center.

I've worked in multiple companies, all ending up having a bad experience. I start my training, do well on the actual production work, taking calls as a normal agent would. I usually get left behind by my team during breaks since I was a quiet one, and most of them smoke. I would stay on my station, or rest a little, or maybe grab a bite or two. There are only two types of people in the office that would approach or talk to me, one, is a person who would attempt in flirting and being persistent with it, and two, those who only ask me for work-related info. The common instance would be the flirting, in a way that it gets distracting or starts to become some sort of a harassment, chatting me on our company contact portal during shifts, spamming me while I try to concentrate on speaking with my customer, and so on. Of course, I would try to report this to my bosses or the HR, they would file a complaint then nothing happens afterwards. It gets toxic after a while, they would spread lies about me of being a horrible person once they receive the polite yet solid rejection. Instead of having to argue, I resign. This was quite a consistent instance when I get a job at a call center, from one company to another, there would always be those kinds of people.

These issues builds up in me since I have nobody to talk to, when I told this to my parents when they ask why I resigned, they would be upset because I have no money to give them, and would tell me that I'm overreacting just so I could sit at home. Feeling the sense of guilt I wouldn't take any time to recover and find another call center company to work at. Since my country's time zone isn't the same as the US, I normally work on what they call "graveyard" shifts, like 9pm-7am, or 3am-12pm. Fit or unfit to work I knew to myself that I was underweight, at the age of 23-26 I was at a consistent weight of 38kg, it sometimes gets 1-2kg lower, but not higher. I would easily get sick, eating more does not help since the only highest weight I could gain was 40kg. My coworkers and family tend to think that I'm overreacting to get off from work, even after going to the doctor for vomiting and not being able to eat for a few hours every first day of my menstrual cycle. I try not think about it, but the more I avoid what goes on with me the more I start to get confused of what was actually wrong. I started crying at random times, experiencing mild panic attacks, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts, everyone thinks that I'm avoiding adulthood, I try my best to work, get out and do what I have to do, but I just can't.

My breaking point

Last 2019, I met someone, I would not dwell much on the details but he broke my mentality, my emotional and psychological issues worsened, and right before the pandemic started, I was absolutely devastated, I felt like I had zero purpose, everything I wanted to do was worthless, wanting to be someone I'm not for somebody is nothing, all I could think of was his words, "I could replace you anytime I want, I could've done it long time ago but I pitied you". I went through therapy ever since, my therapist and I would have an over-the-phone counseling twice a week but after two months he just suddenly stopped our counseling. I was constantly reminding myself of how worthless I was when I try to put an effort to what I do. Everything just shuts down for me, and I wanted it to just end. At the point where I had taken a few capsules of blood pressure pills my brother stepped in and was disappointed at me. We talked for a few hours, convincing me that whatever happened at the office, with my ex and my parents, should be taken as a way to improve myself, to prove them wrong. He was glad that the pills were expired, and that I would be okay.

How I currently am

It took me quite some time to think about what I could do for myself and for those who care about me. To this day I'm still honestly not at my best, but I'm slowly doing what I can to avoid that path. I still get nightmares from time to time, a bit of PTSD, specially in terms of abandonment issues, it's hard to avoid things that can trigger bad memories, even if they're starting to get blurry, it still stings.

If you are still here and is reading this, please do not ever think that harming yourself is a good idea. Seek professional help, find someone to talk to, I know a lot of people would just tell you "It's going to be okay" even if it isn't, and sometimes there are people who would actually make fun it, but there would always be that one person that would be there for you, listen to you. Do not give up just because one person did not heed you.

© 2021 Starly

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