How I Learned Not to Hate Myself

lovetherain is a seeker on a strange path and tends to philosophize everything, from the strange and odd to the mundane

This could be a self-portrait.

I am thinking about the Self.

Sometimes I have dreams that aren't really dreams. They are something else.

I don't really know their true nature, or where they come from. But they seem to be teaching me things.

Like the "dream" I had about killing an ant. In this dream, I learned that all animals, even the tiniest and seemingly insignificant, feel and experience just as powerfully as you or I.

I learned it because I was forced, or maybe allowed, to feel its shock and pain.

Another "dream" I was given was similar. In feeling anyway, and that it was the same kind of learning experience. It's hard to talk about, but I will anyway. It was about a well-known serial killer, and in the dream I was his advocate. I was showing other people that he was still a human, with human feelings.

I felt a strong sympathy for this man.

This came at a time when I felt hate for myself, and I detested myself.

I think you can guess the lesson here.

The dream wasn't even really disturbing. It was enlightening. And lightening. It lessened my own self-hatred, as I learned that even the worst of us, and the best of us, are the same in suffering and feeling. Hate is not the answer.

Somehow I Have Abandoned My Path

I am feeling a bit lost.

A bit numb.

I was on a path, but I chose to diverge and wander around aimlessly.

I chose distraction.

I don't know if I want to get back on the path.

I don't know if I have a choice. This could even be a part of it. I have no way of knowitn.

I am burned out. Spirituality was everything to me for years. A hugely important part of my life. I feel like I am trying to backtrack, maybe just to feel normal again, I don't know.

I feel like I am failing.

I don't know where I'm going, or even where I want to go.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.