I love my brother more than anything. But the extent of our communication is texting each other on our birthdays
By Nature we Love Each Other
The above is not a personal picture. I took it from the internet. But it reminds me of us at that age. I don't know that a picture of my brother and I together has been taken in over 30 years. I am now 58, and he's almost 54
We don't communicate. Mostly because I am me. And it makes him uncomfortable. We were best friends as young kids
The way I learned that he was moving to a different state was through Facebook
We don't even know each others addresses
The Me That Understandably Makes Him Uncomfortable
For most of my life I have taken no responsibility for anything. Especially for myself. I've always been a huge victim. Things just happened to me. And I had zero control over those things that happened.
And I'd walk around bitching about it. Thinking that my problems were worse, bigger, more pronounced than anyone else's. I took no responsibility for my problems. I didn't think they were my fault. I blamed everyone else for MY problems. I'm really not making any of this up. This is who I was. Now I hate that person
In addition I had an eating disorder and was very skinny. Skinny enough to worry him
He tried a few times to help me......but I wasn't ready to be helped yet
Seeing me hurt myself both physically and emotionally was too much for him to deal with. And I get that.
I'm a child in a 58 year old body. I never grew up, am irresponsible, and totally get his discomfort with his "big" sister
Although I'm in a Better Place Now....
Even though I am in a much better place now, I can't just delete the past.
Some tell me that eventually we will communicate. But I really don't think we will.
He‘s not likely to change. And I understand.
But this is a gut wrenching pain that I’m not able to suppress any more
And this is a pain that I'll live with for the rest of my life
I had to Say Good Bye
Last Friday, the day I began this article, at 11:11 pm I got an out of the blue, spontaneous text from him that read: " Love you. I hope you're doing well". I responded with the same thing back to him.
I'd like to think it's fate, but I think it's nothing more than coincidence
But this moved me to tears.
I'll never stop loving my baby brother
But I had to say a silent goodbye to him a long time ago.
Broken things can sometimes be fixed
Broken relationships can't always.
And sadly, this one can't.
© 2022 jacy albertson