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Broken Siblings: My Brother and Myself

I love my brother more than anything. But the extent of our communication is texting each other on our birthdays

how-can-i-say-goodbye-to-my-living-brother

By Nature we Love Each Other

The above is not a personal picture. I took it from the internet. But it reminds me of us at that age. I don't know that a picture of my brother and I together has been taken in over 30 years. I am now 58, and he's almost 54

We don't communicate. Mostly because I am me. And it makes him uncomfortable. We were best friends as young kids

The way I learned that he was moving to a different state was through Facebook

We don't even know each others addresses

The Me That Understandably Makes Him Uncomfortable

For most of my life I have taken no responsibility for anything. Especially for myself. I've always been a huge victim. Things just happened to me. And I had zero control over those things that happened.

And I'd walk around bitching about it. Thinking that my problems were worse, bigger, more pronounced than anyone else's. I took no responsibility for my problems. I didn't think they were my fault. I blamed everyone else for MY problems. I'm really not making any of this up. This is who I was. Now I hate that person

In addition I had an eating disorder and was very skinny. Skinny enough to worry him

He tried a few times to help me......but I wasn't ready to be helped yet

Seeing me hurt myself both physically and emotionally was too much for him to deal with. And I get that.

I'm a child in a 58 year old body. I never grew up, am irresponsible, and totally get his discomfort with his "big" sister

Although I'm in a Better Place Now....

Even though I am in a much better place now, I can't just delete the past.

Some tell me that eventually we will communicate. But I really don't think we will.

He‘s not likely to change. And I understand.

But this is a gut wrenching pain that I’m not able to suppress any more

And this is a pain that I'll live with for the rest of my life

I had to Say Good Bye

Last Friday, the day I began this article, at 11:11 pm I got an out of the blue, spontaneous text from him that read: " Love you. I hope you're doing well". I responded with the same thing back to him.

I'd like to think it's fate, but I think it's nothing more than coincidence

But this moved me to tears.

I'll never stop loving my baby brother

But I had to say a silent goodbye to him a long time ago.

Broken things can sometimes be fixed

Broken relationships can't always.

And sadly, this one can't.


© 2022 jacy albertson

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