Halloween is Halloween--Just Let it be (an essay)
Tuesday, Oct. 31. Yeah, we all know it. Halloween. That time again. Are you like me, just guarding your home and car against wayward vandals to love to write vulgar words on the windows--some even have taken to breaking the glass just out of sheer meaness. Don't worry, punks. There is still plenty of room in the nation's prisons. And one last word, vandals who had rather drop-out of school than make something positive of yourself, if you were the ones who had to pay for those broken windshields and window panes, you would sing a different tune. But I'm not worried. I'm really patient. The day will come when your Halloween vandalizing will become secondary to your first love, "Sally Ann Jessco," daughter of your employer: "J.M. Jessco," owner of your town's most-lucrative gas station and you have proposed to her. And then one day you and the pretty "Sally Jessco" will be your wife and when the next Halloween rolls around, someone, probably a younger version of yourself, a vandal, will break your car windows and you will see red. Get ready to pay a hefty deductible for that new windshield. You've been advised.
Don't get on me so much here. Halloween for me is a mixed bag of good and bad with the bad mostly winning the night that Halloween's worst of the worst surface to cause havoc among civil residents. I didn't say prudes. Civil residents. Let's be clear about that. For the good part of Halloween, I wish that we could have Halloween at least three more times a year. Think about it. Halloween is without question, the only designated day to be stupid and mean while hiding behind a $500-bucks costume. In my wilder years, the yearly Christmas party was excuse enough to be both stupid and evil for adults to drink themselves into darkened stupors and make uninhibited passes at the office secretaries. Some who made such gestures (males) even apologized to the same secretarites before their next office party that just happened to be on New Year's Eve. What a coincidence.
Much like Christmas, there is a certain amount of capitalism that goes with Halloween. You are stuck to buy the kids' costumes, buy tons of candy to hand-out to other trick or treaters and even burn expensive gasoline while serving as a taxi so your kids can be chauffeured from home to home only to bring home more candy made primarily of sugar. Come on folks. Give our nation's dentists a break. One dentist can only take so many open mouths filled with sugar-produced cavities.
Let me go a bit further. When Phil Donahue was all the rage, I witnessed a very-heated discussion, egged on my Donahue, and two people, one for and one against Halloween squaring-off for an hour of asinine talk. This was when I really started resenting the Nielsen Ratings that soon told you and I just how creative and sensitive that Donahue appeared to be on TV. But what he did or does off of the camera is none of my business. Really. I detest writing about celebrities who have long since earned their billions and now pretend to own the State of Utah.
But now in Phil's defense, I literally fell head-over-heels with Marlo Thomas when she was That Girl. I won't lie. But even with Marlo and my unrequited love notwithstanding, Halloween is Halloween. Let the kids have fun. Yes, even you, the parents can have loads of safe fun. No one really respects a pair of parents who love Halloween to just get as loaded as a semi-truck and chaperone their children. I will go on record and say, what kind of example are you living, drunken parents who pretend to take care of our children on Halloween night?
And a parting shot about Marlo's That Girl show, "Ted Bessell," what a lucky bloke. He played her boyfriend Donald Hollinger, a writer for Newsview Magazine. He and "Ann Marie" made a far better looking couple than with Jim Nabors as "Gomer Pyle." Like I said. Halloween is Halloween. Just pretend that you are sitting by a Baby Grand piano while looking passive and playing, "Let It Be," by Paul McCartney.
That way, everyone wins.
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© 2017 Kenneth Avery