I feel it under my skin and I know my clear head and logical thoughts will be gone soon. I am trained to understand how to process my feelings and be aware of why they are coming up and presenting as they are. And yet, I am frustrated. Frustrated that I am here again. Frustrated that we are having the fight for the 100th time or maybe it just me fighting with myself and you waiting for me to stop. These feelings come forward like a knee jerk reaction and I am caught off guard. I am trained to be rational and use techniques to calm myself down and keep me cool. And yet, I am frustrated.
My training doesn't help me because you know how to trigger me in a way that I cannot control. Sitting in a happiness and enjoying the day and then you drift away into the night and I am left alone thinking it is me and my head playing tricks. You pin me against myself because you say you do no wrongs and tell me my head is being crazy. I am frustrated because I feed into this notion. I am trained to be self-aware. So, I know that my mind plays games and I catastrophize many things in my life because I need to be prepared for every possible outcome. I need to know how all the pieces fit together and how me walking on the left side of the street will be different than me walking on the right.
And yet, I am frustrated because all the years of training don't prepare me for how to manage who I am and my instincts. Do you think I want to fight again? Do you think I like being negative? Do you think I want to see you miserable? The answer is always no. The answer is that I want to feel happy and whole like you. I want to be secure and see the value I hold. I want to see the value you see in me. Because I know that you love me with your whole heart and care for me deeply. I know that you hate seeing me upset and hate seeing me fight with my own mind. I know these things so clearly. To my core, I believe you because you've shown yourself to me over and over again. And yet, I am frustrated.
Frustrated with myself for not being able to control this knee jerk reaction. Frustrated knowing that all my years of training and therapy do not help me in the moment, but only in hindsight. Frustrated that no matter how many steps I take forward, I still feel trapped in my past. Frustrated that the life I envisioned for myself is different than the life I have. But most of all, I am frustrated with myself for not being able to stop hurting you. I am frustrated.
I love you dearly. I want to give you the world. I want to be the whole world for you. I am broken. I am mending myself together one day at a time. I am human. My education gives me the insight I need to understand myself. My time in therapy gives me the tools I need to succeed and be mentally healthy. And yet, I am trapped in frustration because I have yet to feel secure. I have yet to feel sure in who I am. There are pieces I want to have, but seem so out of reach. I am frustrated that I am not as whole as I want to be.
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