It's Not About Bashing Men, or Fatherhood
Note: I'm not writing this to bash men or protest Father's Day. This is not anti-Fathers, it's just about Father's Day and giving some space to people who don't have the same appreciation for Father's Day which will be promoted all over the place, online and offline, over this weekend.
Some people will be feeling sad to have no Father around for Father's Day tomorrow. I won't be one of them. My Dad is dead, about 6 years ago I think.
We didn't get along. I was a kid at the time so it really was his choice. Like most family relationships, it's complicated and I never felt ok with him not really liking me until after he was dead. I don't want to go into more detail about our relationship. But, I did think it would be nice to share what I have felt and thought and concluded about the Father-less Father's Day for people like myself.
My Own Anti-Father's Day Story
First of all, I don't miss my Dad. I do think it's sad he isn't still here - for his own sake. At the time he died I didn't feel much of anything. I thought I should at least be sad and later I was. Actually sad, not faking it or trying to make anyone else feel good. I didn't understand my sadness. Wasn't I finally able to get out from under his influence? A friend told me I was probably feeling sad because now nothing could ever change. He could never change. He could never tell me he didn't mean the stuff he said. He could never have a pleasant conversation with me. He could never do a single thing to make things better, or even different from what they were.
Anyway, that is something I think about this Father's Day. I feel sad for him to not be here (for his sake) and I feel sorry (for him) that nothing can ever be any different. He won't ever have a loving daughter and I won't ever have a Dad I want to spend time with on Father's Day.
Having a Father-less Father's Day
If you have a Father-less Father's Day you may just ignore the whole weekend and go on as if it were no special day at all.
I don't think you should. Whether you liked your Father or not, he was still someone in your life. Whether he left you with good feelings or no feelings at all, you don't really and truly forget him. I don't think we even want to forget him. He will always be some part of who we are.
Do something he can't do. Go out and enjoy your day. Take a walk, get a latte, buy a new book, play with your own kids (if you have them).
Maybe You Should Call Him?...
When someone tells you they don't get along with their Father, especially over this Father's Day weekend, don't suggest they call him. Don't make it seem that things can all be patched up and worked out like in some movie.
Life isn't like a movie. Don't make people feel their feelings are not valid just because they don't fit into the sunny side of life.
Not every situation can be worked out by sending a Father's Day card. Not everything can be forgiven or accepted just because of a phone call.
Don't give free advice and ignore the real feelings people have had.
Anti Father's Day eCard
Am I Angry?
Not so much. I think the anger burnt out long ago. I resent him. He left me with a lot of baggage.
But, it takes a lot of energy to carry around anger and hate. So I just don't bother.
It makes my life that much simpler.
I haven't found anyone else writing about Father's Day for people who didn't like their Dad. I guess we are just supposed to quietly not talk about it. Well, I'm talking about it. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.