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False Teeth Horror Show

Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.

Amazing Denture Social Fact:

Some denture-wearers love their teeth so much that they love taking them out in public.

Some denture-wearers love their teeth so much that they love taking them out in public.

Writer's note: in this hub you will find two names of famous U.S. restaurants, Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee's. These two restaurants I am not telling you to frequent them whatsoever. Not that they have bad food, but I, with a clear conscience, cannot endorse them due to my HubPages restraints. Thanks, Kenneth.

Did our first president, George Washington, really wear wooden dentures? This is what's been thrown around for several years. I am not one to judge. And if Washington did like wearing wooden dentures, he must have encountered those painful wooden splinters that can break off wood in a heartbeat. But Washington was a tough guy, so if he did grimace a lot, we now know why.

Fact: I sometimes wear an upper plate when I eat challenging food dishes. I'm not ashamed of it. But I can tell you that I have personally experienced my own false teeth horror show during a visit to Buffalo Wild Wings in Tupelo, Miss., and no, this is not an endorsement, but this embarrassing event really happened.

My wife and I were eating, enjoying ourselves and I love to eat hotwings. Really hot. This was a bad mistake. Little did I realize that the hot sauce was really hot enough to melt the denture glue inside my plate and before I could duck my head, I felt part of my ourselves land underneath my top plate. I panicked. My wife laughed. I managed to work without yelling for help and finally release the part of a hotwing and then I just secretly took out my plate and finished my meal.

A real mule's mouth and can human teeth be inserted in his mouth?

A real mule's mouth and can human teeth be inserted in his mouth?

While I'm on the subject of wooden teeth, then why not wear tin or aluminum-based teeth? They will fit right into any Hip Hop celebrity's mouth. I know that gold is a really big item to be used for "grills" in these stars, but I would ask working folks to buy aluminum-based false teeth. They might even attract an FM radio rock and roll station and the man or woman wearing aluminum teeth would be the life of the party.

Now for a historical note about false teeth. In or on 1728, a guy named Pierre Fauchard wrote about crafting false teeth from wire brackets and hand-carved animal bone. In 1774, Alexis Duchâteau made the first porcelain dentures. My personal take is that he was the first Well-paid Orthodontist. Sadly, there were no golf courses in this time so he could tell his receptionist to take messages because he will not be in the office for the rest of the day due to a "meeting" with friends.

For so many years, people who had to wear dentures had to keep to themselves especially when going out for an evening with friends for this one fear: dentures taking a life ot their own and taking off out of the denture-wearer's mouth. This was considered taboo in the early days. And there were some people who said that dentures were devil's work and shunned the people with false teeth.

These would be a false teeth horror show in 2022.

This is One of The Many Perils Endured by Denture Wearers?

Now consider the places where false teeth mishaps can cause the most embarrassment. I think that you will agree. On a date: arguably THE area of humiliation if you and your lovely girlfirend are out on date, but you opt to have dinner first, then go dancing. So far, so good. Then it happens! She starts to lay her head on your shoulder when her eyes fly-open with amazement. You ask in a soft tone what is wrong. She whispers, you have a piece of pizza crust stuck in your front teeth. Now all you can do is laugh it off, explain why you wear dentures or just act like it's not a problem. The same social disaster can happen with false teeth wearers when the two of you are about to say your I do's at the girl's biggest wedding on record. Even the mister chuckles underneath is breath.

The second most embarrassing denture debacle is when you and your bride are on your honeymoon and about to really have a happy time of love. Uh, oh! You forget, guys, that you have never confessed to your bride about you wearing false teeth, but she will soon find out when you forget that fact due to the degree of lawful passion and your falsie's fly out and landing on her face. Well, guys. This will be the first night where you spend the night on the motel room couch.

This one is very mean-spirited. You are visiting with your son, wife and grandkids. After lunch you hit incliner to watch some Sunday NFL action, but soon, your mouth is wide-open and snoring like an Arkansas hog. Your two mischievous grandkids slowly tie a piece of yard on your front teeth and they yell, bang! Your dentures are now dangerous projectiles. Even when you open your eyes, the entire family is still in stitches.

Interesting . . .

"One blessing about a person wearing wooden dentures who happen to be eating lunch, but is strapped for money and cannot buy toothpicks, they can simply cut-off a sliver of their dentures and take care of the obstacle in their molars."

— Me. Kenneth Avery

We can now close with a few practical and emergency tips for false teeth. You are stranded on some deserted island. You are famished. You suddenly realize that you see a lot of big fish near the beach. But you have no fishing rod or hook. No worries. You remember how sharp your false teeth can be and break off one and grind it on a big rock that you see near the middle of the island. With bait of a few big worms or insects, you will eat like a kid. Tom Hanks wouldn't do any better.

If you are walking through a dark, dangerous alley, then you are approached by a mean thug who demands your cash. You do not panic because you have the inside knowledge that he doesn't know. Recall how your false teeth flew into the air when you and your now-wife were eating at a restaurant? Just quickly grab your teeth and fling them like MLB legend, Catfish Hunter and the thug will not know what hit him. But do not try this because it hadn't been tested.

This one is not that acceptble, but it works. You and your wife are sitting in a theater about to enjoy a hit movie starring Brad Pitt, and beside you is some uncultured bully who insists on telling the next scene on the film (because he's already seen the film), and you have had enough. You slowly get your false teeth out and begin to click them out of his sight. You do this enough to really irritate him, then he huffs away in defeat.

False teeth hub: You know, just keeping it REAL!

Beautiful Female Celebrity Denture Quiz:

Does Catherine Zeta-Jones wear dentures or not?

Does Catherine Zeta-Jones wear dentures or not?

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© 2022 Kenneth Avery

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