Social Media Is Ruining My Relationship
I’m a Broken Woman. I Know This. Thanks.
I understand that platonic relationships exist between a man and a woman. I understand, if you're Christian, that even Jesus had a lot of female friends that were just platonic. I can probably go on a long, long rant about how my father didn't love me, how my mother always reminded me how fat I was, how I was incessantly bullied as a child, how I was forced to wear hideous, stretchy stirrup pants and horrible cat-eye glasses made of white plastic as a fifth grader. I can tell you over a hundred stories of my youth, and how my memories have helped create this insecure, jealous adult that exists before you today. I can explain all my failed relationships, how my ex's usually left, or cheated with, some women he worked with. I can tell you that I understand that I can't judge a current book by the bad ending of the last book. I understand all this. In the end, I don't feel comfortable with my male romantic interest having female friends, especially close ones.
Are His Female Friends really Just “Friends”?
I have a boyfriend that had over 700 people on his Facebook list. He has almost 200 on his Instagram. A lot are females, probably more than half. He sometimes told me stories about these female friends, and I would listen with tightly-closed lips as I nodded. I pretended to be 'cool' but deep inside my heart was beating fast. 'What's wrong with me?' I thought. He would tell me about a female friend that he had an attraction for, and yes she was (probably is, still) on his Facebook. We talked about how many women he was intimate on his Facebook, and that I wasn't comfortable with him having those women on there. There's fair, right? I thought it was, but maybe it's not. He then deleted over 100 people from his Facebook. I noticed many of the women on there, the 'friends,' were scantily clad, wearing revealing clothing and pushing their melons up to their collarbones and chins, wearing nightclub leather and tight clothing. Of course, I can't see what stuff they are sharing because I can't look at his Facebook. No, he hasn't given me the password, even though I gave him the password to my stuff. So yes, it bothers me to imagine what kind of stuff these women are sharing, and what kind of stuff he's liking and responding to and what's arousing him or piquing his interest. I'm pretty sure some of these women are messaging him as well. And since he says they are friends, it should be innocent...right?
WhatsApp is the Devil
He uses WhatsApp a lot. It's a chatting app, and while I was with him in person, he posted a status of himself looking all handsome and muscular, working out at the gym. Of course, the women started with the "You're so handsome" comments, and he would reply with a smiley face that had glasses on. I kept thinking: Is he doing it for the ego boost? Attention? Are my compliments not enough? What's going on? He tells me they are just friends, women he has known from college, women he has known for years, women that have lived on streets he has lived on, women who were childhood friends. His best friend is a woman who is a lesbian, and his other close (probably also best) friend is an attractive woman who is on and off single. And then, there is this woman at work. I'll call her 'the snake.' She was close to my boyfriend. In fact, during some work party this year, she sent extremely revealing x-rated pictures of herself to him to cure his 'boredom.' He mentioned to me that they would have a lot of risque conversations at work, but mostly in a joking manner. She would joke about his 'plantain,' and he would say some smart-alec remark back. Since they work in the same school, as teachers (I know, right), I told him to please stay away from her...and then a few weeks later; he went to her birthday party at school. He went because another female friend of his (the one who makes food for the teachers) told him to. We argued that night, and he said that I was getting mad over nothing. We probably broke up that night; I'm not sure. But it was ugly, and I was in tears, and he was really, really mean over the phone. He reminded me that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. He's great at debating, I completely suck at it. I am useless for debates, so he won.
He’s Going to do What He Wants and There’s Nothing I Can Do About It
He told me about a woman whose 'peach' he was fascinated with. He told me about many, many adventures he had with previous women, girlfriends, and lovers. When he would tell me these stories, I would feel my heart drop, and I would feel my skin get cold. I wasn't really sure why my body was reacting that way. Every single time he's at the school he works at, Monday through Friday, I'm nervous that he will be talking to 'the snake,' and that she will be asking him how his day is going, and he'll respond with his beautiful smile. When he was married, she was still making passes at him. He says that they never did anything, but who really knows. She used to be on his Facebook page, but I had asked him to remove her. He did. Then the party happened. Then I realized that regardless of who is or isn't on his Facebook page, he's going to do what he wants, regardless of my wishes, with whomever he wants. And this reality is painful. I truly can not, and never will control another person's actions...regardless of how much you beg. They'll do as they wish, and in the ends, words are genuinely cheap.
Please Delete All Those Attractive Female “Friends”…Please?
I feel like I wish I could ask him to delete all the extremely attractive and overly revealing women on his Facebook and Instagram. When he posts workout posts online, and his muscles are all rippling, and his beautiful backside is all round and delicious looking against his work out shorts, I see the females who 'like' his pictures. They are beautiful, attractive and they are his friends. How do I tell him that this bothers me? When I tell him, he tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that they are just friends, and that I should just accept his explanation. When we have a discussion, he usually tells me he doesn't want to argue, hangs up on me, and I'm left feeling anxious, hopeless, and some weird feeling of being afraid. It exacerbates my insecurities and jealousies. He told me that in the past, he used to cheat on his wife by using Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. So can you imagine how I feel when I see that he's 'online' on Facebook and that he isn't messaging me on WhatsApp? How about when he's on WhatsApp, not messaging me, and I 'know' he's looking at the status from his million friends (exaggerating on the million, but several hundred is the right amount). And half of these people are women, women showing off. I saw 'the snake' posting pictures of her bosom and cleavage on her status, and he looks at them. How am I supposed to feel okay?
Uncomfortable With Close Opposite-Gender Relationships
I don't feel comfortable with close opposite gender relationships. I don't feel they should exist. We live in a world where swingers are cool and sharing each other spouses is okay and letting your spouse date someone else is perfectly fine. And that's fine, if that works for you and if you aren't the jealous type, but if that's your kind of world, you're probably not reading this. And if you are reading this, it's probably because you're secretly insecure or jealous and want to feel like someone in this vast, wide world understands you. And solidarity exists, sister (or brother) or whoever you are. Solidarity, right here. Maybe you secretly hate your significant other's best opposite gender friend. Okay, let's hate them together. I feel that many opposite-gender friendships involve some attraction on either one side or both, and that's a dangerous cocktail for a relationship that already exists, like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, or a marriage. A lot of opposite gender friendships have their foundation on an attraction that simmers in the background. These friends are someone kept as a back up in case things go wrong in the current relationships.
Why Is Her Advice Better than Mine?
My guy has made me feel weak and insecure. And then I think, am I doing this to myself? How do I remove the effects of his stories, his past, the fact that 'the snake' sent him those X-rated pictures? Every time we have an argument or discussion, I'm afraid that he is turning to some woman friend for advice. At some point, he was telling his 'best friend' at work details about our relationship. He showed her pictures of me, videos of me, and I really, really hope he did not share more, but he probably did. Even though his best friend is a lesbian, I have seen some of her texts to him, and she is overly 'motherly' and complimentary, and he seems to value her advice over mine. In fact, for a legal issue, I told him to go a lawyer, and he mostly ignored me. When this woman gave him the advice, he mentioned it and said it was great advice and got a lawyer. But I had already counseled him, and her word was more golden than mine. We are in a long distance relationship, and Monday through Friday I imagine him, chatting it up with the 'snake,' talking about the Bible and how it defines lust, and acting all cool while being all super handsome and charming. I imagine him laughing that sultry, deep laugh and the women hugging him and feeling upon his muscles as they 'innocently' hug him, and I hate it.
Is this Relationship Worth It? Seeking Spiritual Guidance…
Sometimes I want to leave the relationship behind, but I'm afraid of this because we have built some amazing castles in the sky. We have created these awesome dreams for the future. He even promised that when we are together, he will get rid of his Instagram and Facebook account (even though I did not ask him to do this). He said that I would trust him, and we will live in our world and live happily ever after. He says that even though he admittedly has many, many female friends, I'll see that they mean nothing to him. I'm 32 (I think, maybe 33, why do I care anymore), and I guess I'm too old to believe that fairy tales are real, so I hang on like a dang dingleberry. I hang on hoping he will change or hoping I will change. I pray to my God to please relieve me of my insecurities and jealousy. I pray that my boyfriend remains faithful to me. I pray that my anxiety goes away. I try to write and paint, and play guitar, and cook and do laundry to not think about who he is talking to. I had even blocked him a few times on Facebook just not to see when he was last online. As of today, I blocked him on my Instagram account I made for him because I noticed he didn't really care, or comment on, or like, my dumb little posts I would make for him where I shared everyday stuff I found interesting. I've been begging him to get a mail box, and I feel as if I have asked him five times, or more, but he doesn't do it. I fantasized about sending him cute gifts, but he hasn't put true effort to get a mailbox. I bet if I were his lesbian best friend, he would do it for her. But I'm not her. I'm just me, and I feel as if I'm not good enough.
I can't compete with all these females on Facebook and Instagram.
I can't compete with the women in his past, the women who exist in his life, and the women who work with him at his school. I can't compete with the 'snake,' especially since she has him RIGHT THERE and I live many miles and hours away. I'm losing, my ship is sinking, and I'm a little afraid because I hate crying. I love him, and I'm sad. I hate Facebook, and I hate that he went to The Snake's birthday party, even though he deleted her on Facebook. I tried to get close to male friends or add random hot dudes on Instagram, but all I do is feel guilty, and he doesn't even care, he doesn't even get jealous, and I'm just left feeling like a clown. Maybe I am a clown, in full face paint, with mascara streaks following my trail of tears and I hold on to some gossamer bit of thread. I am a sad clown in this relationship because of my jealousy and my insecurity. I looked into cognitive behavioral therapy for jealousy, and it's $160 per session, and I can't afford that at this time...not with my college loans, not with being a single mom with two kids and no child support. People throw the word 'trust' around, but how can I trust when he's already broken his promise? Not sure if it matters, but he had admitted to being unfaithful to his past two wives because they lost passion in the bedroom after the initial honeymoon phase. I'm afraid, but I love him, so here I am: The Insecure, Jealous, Heartbroken Clown with Mascara Tears. I suppose you can argue that I'm doing this to myself, and you're probably right.
© 2018 Charlotte Doyle