End of Another Year
My biggest goal has been to be completely transparent in my writing, so that it might touch the person who needs to hear it the most. I've said before, when I first lost Mila I would sit up at night googling every combination of words for child loss to find someone's experience that mimicked my own. I just needed the confirmation that someone else felt what I was feeling and made it out the other side. All of the stories I found seemed so specific and didn't fit the idea of what I needed to reassure myself or find comfort.
This week one year ago I began the journey of putting words to paper and telling our story, in hopes of being someones comfort and as a way to honor my sweet girl's memory. From there I have began to elaborate life after losing her through my own personal experiances. When this blog began, my life was quite different than it is now. I have grown so much this year and am finding my way around this life of grieving my child in a much healthier way.
This year has brought the end of a marriage, so much change, a big move to TN, lots of faith, traveling, new love, and watching my sweet baby boy turn into a toddler. In all the blessings and happiness I have gained a different outlook on life. This doesn't mean my heart doesn't yearn for my Mila Rose every single day, I think that will be a constant in my life until I'm with her again. It does however mean, that I am learning to live again and how to go on with out the crushing guilt I was feeling before.
I had lost myself completely. I didn't have ambition or goals anymore and was complacent living at a standstill, because there was security and it was scarier to step outside of what I had known for so long. I had to be pushed out of the situation to see it for what it really was, and in turn I was abruptly pushed out of my comfort zone to fend for myself. I had to see what I was made of, because I didn't have a choice. I had to swallow my pride and ask for help, when I had held my head high in the past giving the impression that I was strong and capable. I had to ask my best friend for a place to stay while I got on my feet and went from a stay at home mom to working full time to support my self and my son. I had to ask family members for help with Grayson so I could work, while missing so many of the "firsts" I got with his big sister. I had to bite my tongue and borrow money for diapers and baby food. I felt pretty much like a train wreck and all of my baggage was scattered on the ground around me while I scrambled to stay above water, each day bringing a new stress to the table.
Then the craziest thing happened. The last thing I expected and there he was, at Rock Bottom, ready and willing to take on all of my crazy like it was nothing. I thought that love wouldn't be in the cards for me, I mean single mom/newly divorced/bereaved mother doesn't have a lot of appeal in the dating world so I was content and had accepted that I would be single indefinitely. God had other plans for us both, and after our first 5 hour phone call we were pretty sure it was something special. The way he fell for both me and my son sealed the deal. After months of dating and lots of driving on both ends, we were so ready to fill the distance. A lot of discussions later, we came to the conclusion that the Nashville area was the only place we wanted to be. So, Gray and I packed up our life (that was mostly still in boxes anyways) and we came to Tennessee to start our new life.
Two thousand and nineteen has been one of the most eventful and crazy years of my life. Part of me is sad to see it come to an end, but the other part of me is so excited to see what 2020 brings to the table. These last few hours of the year kind of feel like a hurdle to get over to get to the good stuff. As a bereaved mother though; and if you are part of the club you know this, the holidays and the end of the year amplifies your child's absence. You see your other children celebrating Christmas and wish your lost child could be a part of the fun and the pictures. Right there in matching pajamas on Christmas morning and passed out in your lap trying to stay up to watch the NYE ball drop with you.
One of the most true things I've heard about loss; you don't just lose your loved one - you lose years of promise that you have looked forward to spending with that person. You lose the first days of school, you lose the birthdays, you lose getting to see her at her wedding. It's also hard watching and feeling the years trickle by and the time without her growing. It takes waking up every morning and reminding myself that I still have one child that I get to take care of here on earth and that it is a blessing. It takes telling your self that life is still good, every day still has the capability to be a good day. I know that my Mila would not want to see me spend my whole life in deep despair, barely living because of her.
So, my resolution this New Years is to live a life that would make her proud, to continue making the choices that bring joy to my life, and to let go of all the negativity from the past year that has been bringing me down. I wish this for all of you, especially those who have suffered great loss in the past years and are working so hard to make it out the other side of such grief. Don't be afraid to reach out, someone I barely knew reached out and told me that if I ever needed to talk to someone who wasn't also mourning for my child- someone neutral, they would be that out for me. I love that, sometimes it's easier to talk to someone that doesn't have that tie and won't get upset, someone that can just let you vent without coddling you. So coming into 2020, if you need that person, feel free to DM me I would love to give back some of the support that I have received.