Mary has retired from her job and has focused on her own personal inner journey.
Last weekend, a friend invited me to hang out with her in her backyard, where we were able to maintain social distance while enjoying each other's company. After parking my car in her driveway, she led me to her backyard, and was I surprised or what? I did not expect her garden to be so beautiful as she is a nurse practitioner and very busy at this time with the pandemic.
As I showed delight at her garden, she brought me around and introduced me to the plants and trees around. Some of the trees were planted by her mother when she first lived in that house. My friend described every provenance of her plants from the beautifully shaped Japanese Maple to the birch, and the Jasmine filled with flowers and sending its subtle smell in the garden. The plants were in various colors, height and shapes, and their leaves verdant and lush.
It was with a bit of envy and admiration that I went around the garden. Then, something disturbed my aesthetic sense. I saw a clump of potted cedars left somehow out there as though they did not belong. Puzzled, I asked my friend what she planned for those pots. She told me she was going to return them to the store. She bought five more than she needed to replace the worn-out cedars in her fence. Seeing my interest, my friend asked if I wanted them. Delighted, I jumped at this opportunity. For me, it was a dream come true.
For two years now, I had wanted to place evergreens on the balcony of my condo. I bought two blue spruce last summer but, sadly, they did not make it in the winter. Because of this, I got very discouraged and did not entertain any further thoughts about evergreens on my balcony.
The sight of these cedars brought back my spark of desire. I told my friend I would be delighted to get all five and would gladly pay for them. She wouldn't hear of my paying for it. Instead, she assured me she was relieved to have someone save her from another trip to the store.
The next hurdle was how to bring these cedars back to my condo. I knew they would fit in my trunk. My worry was bringing them to my car as I did not lift one to test its weight. This concern immediately resolved itself when another friend arrived with her husband. I now had someone to carry them to my car.
Isn't life supposed to be like this? Why are we surprised when things happen in a rhythm and events flow with no effort?
Somehow, that cedar experience invited me to reflect on the flow of life, those serendipitous moments when everything happens as if a more robust and knowing being is in charge.
I had been reading the book by Dr. Joe Dispenza, “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”. By combining his knowledge of quantum physics, neuroscience, genetics, and brain chemistry with his life experience, Dr. Dispensa showed me how to create the reality I choose. He convinced me that I could change from the inside out by breaking the habits that made me into the person I am now. He also outlined the principles and steps to create this new self.
This book convinced me to take the steps seriously. With some hesitation, I started on my journey to know myself better, to enhance my awareness of who I am, so I could work on this habit of being myself. As I spent time observing myself, I became aware of my words and the emotions that accompanied these words. I identified patterns in my thinking, talking, and responding. From these patterns, I found out the habits entrenched in me.
As an example, a friend invited me to a party she was organizing for her daughter's graduation. As there were no ceremonies for this year's graduates because of the pandemic lockdown, she thought of a party, limited to a few family members and very close friends. I accepted the invitation, but as the day approached, I started to think of reasons I couldn't be there.
I immediately caught this and remembered the many times I had done the same thing in the past. I had become an expert in inventing reasons not to go to events. It took much cajoling from my husband to bring me to parties. Once I was there, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Puzzled by my reluctance, which was quite often, my husband brought this up with me many times, but I just shrugged my shoulders and dismissed it.
I saw how this behavior pattern became a habit wired strongly in me. I had to do something about it. Buoyed by my discovery, I looked into why I did this each time I get an invitation. I saw that my anxiety rose when I had to be with people so, unless events were vital, I avoided them. But afraid to say no to an invitation, I always responded positively and then, at the last moment, would get out of it.
Was it my insecurity? Was it my feeling of unworthiness? Was it my anxiety about my appearance? Was it my fear of driving to her place? Or was it fear in general? These were the questions I grappled with as I allowed the cause of this behavior to surface in my mind.
Many fears and insecurities surfaced, which overwhelmed me. Instead of dealing with the fears and insecurities, I opted to visualize positive scenarios. I pictured how smoothly I drove in the busy highways and my path for lane changes and exits. I saw myself handling my car happily and interacting so much with all the guests. I did this for several days. When the day came, I did what I envisioned.
The more I listened to myself and the deeper my consciousness of my inner self became, the more harmony I observed. Many of my desires happened to make my life abundant and vibrant, very similar to my experience with the cedars, finally looking very stately in my balcony.
Every morning, I pictured the new me, letting go of old habits and its negative manifestation. As I created the new me, old patterns fell off. I developed new patterns that do not bring negative emotions but, instead, love and joy. Things fell in place; harmony, peace, and my desires got fulfilled.
The journey continues, and more patterns reveal themselves, calling for resolution and change. It makes me listen more to myself, so I can change the old ways and create more life-giving behavior patterns. I enjoy giving time to myself. In the past, I considered it selfish to give my self too much time. Today, I realized it is the most selfless thing one can do. It makes you a better person, a gift to everyone else you encounter.
Before, my focus was on the external, never on my inner self. I would look outside of me for what would make me happy, what would make my life more productive, or what would make me wealthy. Once in a while, I would look in, but very seldom.
Now, when I focus on my inner self and start changing from there, I begin to experience a new me. Everything around me and outside of me also changed. A new reality emerges, which is much better than I have ever experienced before. Things flow in harmony, and I flow with it.
© 2020 Mary Norton