Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.
Come on Please, Man
it's the time to be alive in our sensitive, tolerant, love everyone society. You better shape-up and wake-up because 2021 will be history before you get to read this piece. Dr Hunter S Thompson couldn't dare do this topic justice. (Forgive me, Hunter). But it's true. I am not grinding an axe, but early on in my time with HubPages, I published an awkward hub entitled "What's The Use in Wearing Fake Glasses?" and quite-frankly, the hub was not received that well. Despite that fact, I carried on.
Apparently, a lot of folks in 2021 haven't been privy to the memo that was sent from the powers that be about wearing sunglasses at night. I did. And I have to agree right here, right now. Okay. I compromise a bit. Some folks who wear sunglasses at night must be living in the Upper Crust of Society and have tons of scratch in the bank. So what if they meet with blindness due to wearing sunglasses at popular parties at night? They can well afford it. But us Middle Class folks had best beware. We need to leave those sunglasses alone if we have to go somewhere at night
There's no way around it. No one to appeal our case. Stop it. Don't even think about it. Leave the sunglasses on your dresser and drive the car without sunglasses or get a cab to hit the party scene. How about letting your wife or girlfriend (a non-sunglasses wearer) take you to do the town on the night without sunglasses? Friend, it will work. I can promise you. And you will think me wiser for telling you.
I'm not here to judge. I'm certainly not here to single anyone out. But someone needed to step-up and correct this easy social blunder so our society could continue to roll like a freight train headed to Minnesota.
Wearing Sunglasses at Night Will Cause You These Embarrassments:
⦁ People will laugh at you openly. And they will point this out to you.
⦁ Young children will also laugh and point at you. Their parents will quickly-whisper to them, shhhhh! He/she doesn't know a thing about fashion. Pray for them.
⦁ Sarcastic people will say, what ya' trying to do, be on MTEEEV?
⦁ Then other inventive people will walk up to you, hold up their hand and ask, how many fingers am I lifting up?
⦁ Dogs, no matter the breed, will bark at you.
⦁ Their owners will act like they are punishing the dog, but really they are saying to their dog, shhhhh! You've got more sense than him.
⦁ Football fans (especially) will say, we don't need you for a referee this season or any season!
⦁ Waitresses will try to help you when they ask, want me to read the menu for you?
⦁ Prostitutes will see you and instantly say, here buddy's ten-bucks. We gotta work together.
⦁ Ray Charles fans will say ugly things to you to your face and to your back.
⦁ So will the "top of the chain" rock stars on tour.
⦁ Brad Pitt will sense jealousy at your sunglasses at midnight and then marry another woman and give a report to CNN about how it was his sunglasses that inspired him to marry this young starlet.
Honest to God
I cannot tell you why I get to irritated and on-edge when I see people at night wearing their sunglasses. If it is a matter of eye injury, then I completely-understand. But only if it is totally-dark. There is a thing called dusky dark. A time of an evening when it is not as dark as night. So if the same person with an eye injury should come by way in duskyi dark, then I will shake his hand or her hand and offer to help them find their way.
There are those, that people have told me, who only wear their sunglasses at night to look cool, arrogant, and above anyone else. Why, do you do these things, arrogant people? Please just come clean and confess. I will not say anything hard about this or you. Or . . .I will even be sympathetic, buy them a cup of "Joe," shake their hand and be friends. I will. I promise that I will.
Then there are near-famous celebrities who have not really grown to stardom, and somehow they (think) that they are. They leave their home, slap on a pair of sunglasses (in daytime because they haven't gotten famous enough to wear them at night) "Mr. Non-Famous Sunglasses Wearer at Night or Day Now) might buy a pair of pants in some fashion-only store and before a minute goes by, the store owner is in tears with joy and he loudly-proclaims, hey, so and so here, the is the guy who was in Bruce Willis' last movie. Yeah. He was the guy standing behind Willis waving at people when Willis was being chased by motorcycle cops, but you know something?
I could buy a truckload of pants and no one would ever care.
So as it goes with me wearing sunglasses at night.
April 04, 2021__________________________Happy Easter!
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This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2021 Kenneth Avery
RGNestle from Seattle on April 05, 2021:
You forgot about the main reason to wear sunglasses at night though: quoth the 1980's sage, Corey Hart, "I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can, watch you weave and breathe your story lines... 'Cause you've got it made with the guy in shades, oh no."
Words of wonder (and by "wonder," I mean we are still wondering (38 years later) what the great, flying, flip he was talking about!!!! (There's a reason he said he hated the song (but it's still one of my secret, guilty pleasures!)) :)
Looking forward to your next writing!