Building Walls

Updated on November 18, 2019
Jacquelyn Hendrixson profile image

Once I realized the trap I had created for myself, I thought there would be no going back...

Am I building walls? Who am I scared of? What am I protecting myself from? Why is there anything about myself that I should ever want to hide? Who would the truth hurt?

If I'm honest, I know the answers to all those questions. But that's just the thing; I can't be honest when I've spent my entire life building up this wall, this new face, this better identity to cover my flaws. If I'm honest, I know that my flaws aren't the only thing I'm trying to hide. But I can't let myself say that out loud.

I will eventually realize that the very thing I thought was protecting me, is trapping me. While God is waiting for me to be the individual He created me to be, I'm too busy trying to be someone else. While God wants me to fulfill the purpose He's had for me since before I was born, I'm too focused on my own issues and what I want to do and where I want to go. My walls, my security, my hiding place; it's all holding me back from what God has for me.

But I've spent so long thinking my walls are my stronghold, and building this prison of rotten wood, so I tell myself I don't need the Rock. I've spent so much energy trying to please people with the face they want to see on me; there's no way I could let it go now. I've spent so much of my own energy upholding an image I created for myself; I couldn't possibly let God now.

I've already started. I can't go back. They can't see that I am not as strong as I made them think. I can't admit the truth, because they'll see me as a liar. I can't take my walls down; who will protect me?

It's all up to me now. I've gotta have the perfect Instagram life. I can't be over 125.5 pounds. I have to go to the right school. I have to drive the car that everyone thinks I will look good in. I gotta get the right job, even if I don't like it. I have to uphold my image, because who else will? It's me or them. It's survival of the fittest, and I've gotta look fit. It's all on my shoulders. It's all up to me now.

All this, and I still ask myself why I can't be better. Why can't I get more likes? Why can't I look good enough? Why is my degree so boring? Why do I hate my perfect job? Why doesn't the approval of other people make me feel better about myself?

What if... it's not about what other people see? What if the way I am… is good enough? What if God actually created me the way He wanted me? The way He could use me for His glory? What if I can only fulfill my purpose when I embrace me?

The real me. The me on my own. The me that doesn't care what other people think or say. The me that is secure in herself. The me who doesn't have to measure up to anyone's standards.

. . .

“Maybe it's okay,

If I'm not okay.

...

'Cause the One who holds the stars

Is holding my whole life.”

. . .

What if it's really about what God sees? He sees through my walls. He could always see the real me, underneath the layers of worldly standards, the layers of ugly, false images that I tried to fit into, without any success for some reason. He saw the person He created in His image, perfect, holy and blameless in His sight, but she was buried. He saw the woman whom He had chosen and predestined to be adopted as His daughter through Jesus Christ, for the glory of His Name, but she was hiding from herself.

. . .

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ,

in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace,

which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan

of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth,

the gospel of your salvation.

Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal,

the promised Holy Spirit,

who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption

of those who are God's possession -

to the praise of his glory.

. . .

When I break down my walls, my Instagram friends will shame me. I will be judged when I quit my job. People will wonder why I decided to take a gap year. When I allow Christ's power to tear down my stronghold, the people this world put into my life will stay there, while I step outside of my prison walls, closer to Jesus's presence. I won't have to look around to see who's watching. The people I never needed won't be there anyway, but my true brothers and sisters in Christ will be alongside me.

And not surprisingly, He won't shame me. He doesn't judge me. He will rejoice because now I can finally glorify Him by fulfilling the purpose He created me for.

The funny thing is, I won't even have to work to live up to any standard. I don't have to try to fit into any images, because this identity is already mine. It was custom made for me, and there can be no one else fits into it.

. . .

“It's so unusual, it's frightening,

You see right through the mess inside me.

You call me out, to pull me in,

You tell me I can start again.

And I don't need to keep on hiding.

I'm fully known

And loved by You.

You won't let go

No matter what I do.

It's so like You to keep pursuing.

It's so like me to go astray.

You guard my heart,

With your truth.

The kind of love

That's bulletproof.

And I surrender to Your kindness.

I'm fully known

And loved by You.

You won't let go

No matter what I do.

It's so unusual, it's frightening.

To be fully known,

And loved by You.”

. . .

~We Are Messengers, Maybe It's Ok

~Ephesians 1:3-14

~Tauren Wells, Known

. . .

~JNH

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Jax

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