His name is Ian. And before I continue, this story has no sad ending or something you gasp about when you finish reading it. It's actually a total 360 from what I usually write. It's a narration of my heart.
So Ian, I don't know how I feel about him yet but the fact that am here, writing a piece about him and posting it, it tells you a lot. But my brain, my stupid brain does not yet want to acknowledge it yet. It's still in those thoughts, my own ideas of how love should be, how it should feel like, what kind of person i should be with.
Ian is different. Different from anyone I have ever attracted. I know he will read this, but am just going to say it anyway. I actually had a little crush on him, but my stupid brain again told me he was not the kind of guy that will be happy with me, or one I can be happy with. So down my crushy feelings went and off my heart went to another.
A boy who am used to. One I can take care of. One who disappears to go drink with his friends and calls constantly in the middle of the night when you are sound asleep. One who gets into fights with anyone and everyone. One who smokes cigarettes. One who lives in a big bedsitter house with strong wifi. One who took care of me like a baby that one time I was really sick.One who cheats.
One who shares a lot with my dad.
But Ian is not like that. Or so I hope. After all its been just like two weeks? since we really started to hang out. My best friend will read this and be like, Amanda you feelings-catcher. Ian will read this and think it may be the chemicals working. He had this theory, that within the first few months of knowing someone, there are usually some chemicals that shield you from seeing the real person you are dating, or hooking up, or whatever. You are just blinded, and see the perfect version you want to see.
If there are such chemicals, I have a lot of them then because most of the time, I never see the bad in people I really care about. I suspect maybe that's whats happening. Or maybe not. Why am I worrying about the future and the past anyway. Life is about moments. And right now, at this moment, all I can think about is Ian and how much I want to write something about him.
He is for starters probably the most soft spoken boy I have ever been attracted to. I told you I have a type. My poisons. With Ian though, he feels like a breath of fresh air. He is soft spoken, and shy and a really really great person to talk to. The first night he came over, we spent hours just talking. There is no hurry in his world, he takes his time. I liked that.
He told me he wanted to do some shit with Astronomy, he loves the sky. I have some glow in the dark stars in my room, so I told him to switch off the lights and look up. I like to think I have moves when it comes to him. I have never had to have moves before. I like it.
We went to a club on friday. He had told his friends about me. I did not know what to do. Am quite shy and awkward around people I don't know. His friends turned out to be two girls and a guy. One of the girls, his best friend, is really pretty and social, the kind of girl I can see Ian ending up with. Am I insecure? Yes Of course I am.
I ended up drinking a lot, probably to cover up my shyness, or my insecurities, or just to forget about things, to calm my mind down. It did not go well with me. He took care of me though.
Yesterday escalated things. We talked about dating. I told him I don't know if we can date. Why he asked? My answers were my usual bullshit. The real truth, I don't know why I don't want to date him yet. I feel like I need more time.
But hey, then again here I am, at 9.42PM, unable to stop thinking about him and opting to immortalize these feelings in black ink.
Questions & Answers
Ian is a very lucky guy, isn't he?
Hehe... He actually is..he should know that... HeheHelpful 1