Lori finds the lowest forms of technology confusing, or inadequate. She needs an instruction manual to operate a Swiffer.
Resuming the Tour
If you read my first installment of Annoying Technology Quandries in Everyday Life, you'd remember how I had to stop the tour because it agitated me so badly I couldn't go on. You may also remember I promised to return soon. Well, now is the time. I hope you are more strong of heart than I am, but I figure if I get it all out in a public venue perhaps people will relate and validate my claims. I really need to know I'm not the only one. So if you are inclined to resume the tour, please line up singe file and follow me.
PS I will arrange for free parking for you if you leave a comment.
Cell and Remote Confusion
You know you're getting old when you dial or answer your TV remote. "Hello? Hello? I can't here you. Speak up."
And do you, like me, text someone then put the phone up to your ear?
You know you're slipping when you put a CD in your TV or try to change the channels by using your cellphone. "What is wrong with this thing. Maybe it needs batteries?"
You know you need psychiatric care when you try to find your cellphone in the car at night by using your cellphone flashlight.
Now about getting your phone wet. For some crazy reason, people like to use their cellphones in the restroom. No surprise it falls into the azure waters of tidy bowl. I lost a phone in the commode once because my phone fell out of my pocket. I lost one in the washing machine, the dish water in the kitchen sink, and one day I lost my grasp on my phone and it dropped into a glass of water.
When you get your phone wet and it gets ruined people always say, "Put it in a bag of rice." These are people who have never tried it, because it takes six months to dry out. I can't go that long without a phone.
One thing about cellphones is that some have microscopic keypads and people, usually teens and young adults, use both thumbs and text at one hundred words per minute. I have to have the senior citizen size keypad. It comes with a Hubble telescope app so I am sure to see the keys clearly. And for the record, I am a one finger texter. Speaking of texting...
Auto Correct Nightmares
I think the devil is behind auto correct. He's commissioned his little demons to millions of cell phones. They sit deep inside our phones, rubbing their hands together saying "Mwahaha!" They have their little sabotage software called auto correct. Auto correct software presumess to know what you really mean. It's crazy and evil.Here are some examples from my own life.
A group text:
Mary: Hello my dear grinds.
Lori: Grinds? What is grinds?
Sheryl: Ha ha. Did you mean friends?
Mary: Yes, friends, I meant friends. hahahaha
We began to call each other grinds from then on in our texts. Two months later:
Lori: Hey, are you guys going to be there tonight?
Sheryl: I am but I'm going to be late.
Mary: I'll be there my grinds. Hey, now my phone recognizes grinds.
Sheryl: Ha ha. Love you grinds.
Mary: Love you too grinds.
Lori: And I love you grins. Crap, I meant grinds.
Mary: Ha ha.
Lori: Sorry, my phone doesn't recognize grinds yet.
A communication with my friend Dorene.
Me: I gotta go. Bible study in a fee.
Dorene: You have to pay a fee to go to Bible study?
Me: Few, I meant few.
Dorene: Ha Ha.
Me: XIm on a roll.
Dorene: XIm on a roll? Is that a special butter or type of jam or something?
Me: "I'm." I'm on a roll."
Dorene: Ha ha. I was going to ask you for the receipt. Grr. I meant recipe not receipt.
Me: Yes, my plamease to change those?"
Dorene: "What is a plamease?"
Me. "Plan is." My plan is to change those.
Dorene: "Ha ha. These silly test corrects crack me up! Text." Now you gave me doing it." HAVE, not gave. Sheesh."
Here are some family friendly ones I found online
Brittany: Yea, we are gonna to go like 50.
Friend: Right, I'll see ya when ya get home.
Brittany: Okey donkey. See ya soon. Oops, I meant dokey.
Friend: Lol, auto correct.
Brittany: Stupid auto correct.
Kyle: So what's up man?
Friend: I start my new job on the police force Thursday. Just picked up my new unicorn.
Kyle: You get your own unicorn? Best job ever. Ha ha. I wouldn't even be ticked off if I got pulled over by a cop on a unicorn.
Wife: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dead husband.
Happy birthday to you.
Husband: Thanks. I assume you meant "dear" husband.
Son: What else is new? Anything fun?
Mom: Same old same old. Did your brother tell you he got AIDS this summer?
Son: WHAT? No one told me anything. I'm calling you.
Mom: Sorry, not AIDS, all A's...Not sure what happened, my phone changed it.
Son: I'm going to kill you mom.
Sarena: Got my powerball. God in front of me bought $35 worth.
Friend: God? He is sure to win. lol
Sarena: lol!!! Guy.
Friend: Hahaha. Ooh, Whew! We still have a chance.
Andrew: Need anything from the store babe? I'm swinging by on my way home.
Girlfriend: Yes, Turkey breast. And also get me pregnant please.
Andrew: Wow. We've only been living together 2 weeks. Shouldn't we talk about that first? (:
Girlfriend: HAHAHA. I meant Prego sauce. I fail at life.
Tom: My dad looks like an old trump.
Friend: An old Trump? Wow, that's scary.
Tom: Grump. lol. But sometimes he's so hillary.
Friend: Hillary? He's like Hillary? What, does he lie a lot? Obama.
Friend: I meant Oh bummer.
Tom: Same difference. haha.
Friend: So how is your dad like Hillary?
Tom: I meant hilarious. Just like this conversation.
Friend: Maybe this is why we agreed we should never talk politely. Crap. I meant politics. We better get off the phone before I...
Tom: Don't say anything more. See ya later.
GPS Faux Pas and Foibles
Don't get me started on GPS. We all know they have a mind of their own sometimes and it gets pretty crazy. I was riding in someone's van one time. Their GPS constantly got mixed up with the abbreviations St. and Ave. This is what I heard:
"In five hundred feet turn right onto Maple saint." I was puzzled knowing the area very well. I said "Did it just say Maple saint? I've never seen that street around here. It must be malfunctioning."
The driver laughed. "It reads St. for street as saint sometimes, other times it says street." We chuckled and he turned right onto Maple saint without incident.
A while later it said "In one half mile turn left onto Grove Aave"
My GPS often mispronounces words. "Settle" for Seattle. Puyallup is "Poy-aallup", long A.
I've learned recently that bored people get GPS' with celebrity voices.
Arnold Schwartzenager as the Terminator:
"Turn West on University Way."
(You miss the turn and end up at a train crossing )
"You're on the train tracks. A train is coming. Hasta la vista Baby."
Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry
"Turn left at Alderbrook avenue."
(There is no Alderbrook avenue, so you keep going)
"Recalculating. Do you feel lucky? Turn right onto 357 magnum street."
(You've had enough of his shenanigans and yell, "You idiot. Quit with the games or I'll send you to the GPS trash heap in the sky").
"Go ahead, make my day." He whistles The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme song.
Michael Constatine as Gus Portukalus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding:
"Give me a street name, any street name and I'll show you the root word is Greek... There you go."
Harrison Ford as Han Solo in Star Wars: "Your destination is on the right. Chewie, we're home."
Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa : "You have reached your destination. Yo Adrian, I did it."
Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale in the Wizard of Oz: "Turn left and follow the yellow brick road for ten miles. Oops, I miscalculated your destination. If I only had a brain. We have reached your destination. Oz is on your right. Driver, we're not in Kansas anymore."
Matthew Broderick as Ferris Beuller: "Cars move pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Which Way Are You Supposed to Wash and Dry the Dishes?
Let's get domestic. Household technology. Take dish washing for instance.
People with dishwashers will often say they hate washing dishes by hand and they are glad they have a dishwasher. Fair enough, but why do so many people who use a dishwasher wash the dishes by hand before putting them in the machine? I don't have a dishwasher. I wash by hand and HATE it. But when I am at someone else's house, or doing dishes at church, I hand wash the dishes first myself and it feels like no imposition whatsoever. People who do this will say they are getting the food off first to keep the dishwasher clean, or because they strictly use the machine to sanitize. They will rationalize the dishwasher saves water. Hmm, okay.
Then you have people who soak the dishes all day in a sink full of water, sometimes soapy water. But first they rinse or wash the dishes before filling up the sink. At the end of the day they put the dishes in the dishwasher. I've seen many a dish with decorative work on it wearing off by so much washing.
And why do we wash a measuring cup that only had water in it?
Now about drying dishes. We are told, never use a towel, air drying is a more sanitary way to dry. But why do people who claim they use the dishwasher to sanitize (which comes from heated drying) put the settings on energy save which means they are not heat dried. You open the machine and everything is wet. So what do they do? They get out a towel and dry them. Sometimes people will leave the machine closed for a day or two while the dishes are still wet and you open the door and it smells yucky.
Here is another big controversy: Which way to put the silverware in. Some people put the cutlery in upside down so the water will drain off and dry better. Others put them in right side up so it will drain off and dry better. Both would say the other is not sanitary enough. As for me, I mix and match just to partially be safe.
Snack Time in the Laundry Room
When the pod detergents first came out I thought them pretty cool, but more expensive. They have them for dishwashers also. Who'd a thunk they'd become snacks for our teenagers? My mom always warned me about swearing and unkind words. She wrestled me to the ground to shove a bar of Lava soap into my mouth (I got Camay brand if it was not too bad of a word). Once she came after me with a soap on a rope I'd gotten my dad for Father's day. If the soap didn't work she knew she could ring my neck with the rope. It would have been so much easier with a pod because they are cool to eat. I'm sure she's turning over in her grave saying "Parents have it way too easy now."
Now that I'm thinking of it, our teens have expensive tastes when it comes to detergent pods. Tide pods are the crème de la crème. I haven't heard of anyone ever eating generic Kroger Brand detergent pods. Kids have such an attitude of entitlement to have the top name brands. Mom's probably rolling in her grave saying "Kids are so spoiled nowadays."
I detest making beds. You want to know why? I can't figure out how to get the sheets on. When they changed to making the deep cornered sheets I went to sleeping in my recliner so I wouldn't have to make the bed. I would examine the sheet by my trusty eyeball technique. I'd put on a corner then try to stretch the sheet out to get the other corner on, but it wouldn't stretch far enough. So I would turn the sheet sure that I had turned it correctly so that all four corners would fit snugly. One corner on. Next corner won't stretch far enough. Round and round I'd go but I kept falling face first on the bed trying to wrestle the sheet on. One time I got so tangled up in knots that my friends called the sherrif's department to do a welfare check when they hadn't heard from me in three days. They had to use the jaws of life to get me out. It made the front page of the newspaper and the whole fiasco was on the six o'clock news.
Creepy Photo Ops
I'm sure many of you have the google photo op app in your phones. Anytime you go somewhere a notification pops up. For example, you are at Safeway picking up a bottle of water and a bag of chips. The notification comes on your screen - "Safeway has a photo opportunity." I can't think of anything I'd like to take a photo of at the market except one of the Purell antiseptic wipe dispenser to prove my point about the matter above. Some notifications are valid, like at a state park, a resort, the arboretum, etc. But many of the notifications come up at the most ridiculous locations.
- "Arco Gas Station has a photo opportunity."
- "Pete's Tavern has a photo opportunity."
- "Social Security office has a photo opportunity."
- "DSHS office has a photo opportunity."
- "Pink Elephant car wash has a photo opportunity" (there really is a pink elephant car wash in a big city nearby).
But the locations can be down right obnoxious, creepy, and bizarre as you'll see next.
- "Elevator to underground parking level has a photo opportunity."
- "Arco Station restroom has a photo opportunity."
- "Sanitation station (or landfill) has a photo opportunity."
- "Mental Health clinic has a photo opportunity."
- "Colonoscopy clinic has a photo opportunity" (At least the doctors are taking the photos, but no way am I putting those images in my scrapbook).
- "Methadone church has a photo opportunity" (FYI, I am not a methadone recipient. Apparently there was a Google hiccup. It was supposed to say Methodist church).
At this point I strongly suspect either someone has tampered with my phone, or the devil and his minions have been messing with this app. Can you just imagine being in a public restroom with someone banging on the door yelling at you to hurry up and you say, "Just a minute, I'm taking advantage of my photo opportunity." I can only imagine the person's face when you step out of the restroom.
This is TMI isn't it? Okay, I'll quit.
Hide and Seek Disinfectant Wipes
It's time to move on to the grocery store. It's really cool that they now have disinfectant wipes to clean the cart handles. But it gets very difficult finding them. One store has them right by the carts. That makes it real handy, but where the heck is the trash can to dispose of them? Inside near the gala apples. What? You go to another store and the wipes are nowhere in sight. After ten minutes of searching you find them by the nine foot stacks of beauty bark out front. But by gum, the trash can is right by the carts.
Worst of all is when you find them right by the carts (and the trash can) but the dispenser is empty, so you have to trek back to the beauty bark and it's empty too. Thank goodness I have hand sanitizer and a used Kleenex to get the job done. If I've run out of hand sanitizer, then I sigh and resign myself to getting Cholera or Ebola from barehanding the cart. One can only hope in those moments that there is a pharmacy in the store to get a vaccination.
Back to My Bed
I'm all stressed out again sharing these complicated technology issues in everyday life. This time I'm going to shower and douse myself in eau de parfum Clorox, eat a tide pod, go to sleep, and call the doctor in the morning. If I sleep in, please don't call the Sheriff's department.
© 2018 Lori Colbo
Ann Carr from SW England on August 06, 2018:
Hilarious! I love the text about the 'unicorn' and the one about the 'dead husband'.
I can identify with most of these, so you're ok, it's not just you!
I get mad when I can't put a tv programme on for the grandchildren; they think I'm really stupid...
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 11, 2018:
It would be hilarious if it wasn't true. Bev handles all things related to technology. I tend to get irate.
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on April 10, 2018:
I love the three stooges analogy - spot on. You are lucky to have your kids looking out for you, Eric. I think I will rent an 8 year old to text for me when I drive.
Eric Dierker from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A. on April 10, 2018:
I dictate text messages to my eight year old. Much better that way and I am fairly safe texting while driving which I abhor. If he used it much he would not need to learn how to spell.
I think my daughters phone does work the TV, and locks and unlocks things.
My elder son took my ten year old phone away from me and gave me a pixel deal. I will have to learn how to write binary codes to use it.
This article is delicious. What fun it is. Sheets are like a 3 stooges routine for me.
Lori Colbo (author) from United States on April 10, 2018:
VSH eh. Yes, I remember our huge old VCR. The tapes would go screwy and knot up if you weren't careful. I'm glad to meet another techy for dummy's. Lol. Thanks for stopping by Larry.
Larry W Fish from Raleigh on April 10, 2018:
Hahahaha, I just love your sense of humor, Lori. On the cell phone, trying to send a text message with my big thumbs is a challenge and a half. I am really technology challenged. Would you believe that I still look at some movies on VHS tapes. Oh my, I am really old.