Lachrym was once stuck in darkness but then a new day came and make her realized that there is always a brighter day after the dark night.
I failed! My name was not on the list of passers, the new roosters of accountants. I at least want to cry but even tears are afraid to escape my eyes. All day I’m laying on my bed, each day I’m losing my face. It was always been my dream to become a Certified Public Accountant but my efforts was not enough. It’s frustrating to fail the CPA Board Exam but it’s nothing compared to the disappointment I brought to my parents. They worked so hard to send me to review school, they sacrificed a lot for my dream as this also became their dream. This was the first time I ever felt this kind of pain. Pain that can’t be describe in words. I was the topic of every gossip in the neighborhood, I was only 20 and how am I supposed to handle this. My heart torn into million pieces. I don’t want to show my pain but I just can’t hide it, they knew, parents know.
On the day the results were out, it does not sink in, I can’t believe and I don’t want to believe that I failed. I was so mad to God, I questioned Him “Why God? Why have you forsaken me the time I needed you the most?” but He was silent. The “you need to look strong” me sent congratulatory messages to friends who passed the board exam, then someone replied “I’m just here”. I asked his plans to avoid the talk about me, he jokingly said that he’ll be working to their farm but what he said next slapped me, “Let go and Let God”. It was like offering a hand to help me stand up, a hand who is willing to carry me when I do not know how to make a step forward, a hand that pulled me again to God the time I turned my back to Him. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of the promises of God. He said in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Also in Proverbs 16:3 “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” From then, I surrendered everything to God. My efforts would never be enough without Him. God does not intend us to carry the burden because He already carried the cross for us. This setback does not determine who I am, I am God’s princess, His greatest possession. He loves me so much that He won’t mismanage my life. Before I was formed in my mother’s womb God already choose me, that every time I look at the cross I see my value.
I plead my parents to support me for my second take of the Certified Public Accountants Licensure Examination. They were hesitant because of the debts they had because of me but still parents will do and sacrifice everything for their child, they supported me even if it’s hard. I promised them to do the best that I can to pass the board exam. This was my last chance, a chance to fight for my dream, a chance to fight a battle that’s not mine, it is God’s. Every battle with Him is a victory. I claimed it even before the review started.
Weeks before the first day of the board exam, an earthquake hit the city. I was with friends in a fastfood chain nearby a tall building having our review. Lights on and off are racing. We could feel the movement of the place until everyone panicked. They ordered us to immediately go outside the place then a stronger quake is felt, the tall building nearby poured down broken pieces of glass like a rain eager to meet the sea. Everyone ran back inside including me not noticing the blood flowing down from my hand like a passionate stream. I felt fear more than pain that I almost passed out but God is with me and I have nothing to worry. From that moment, I know, though in pain and or fear, God was, is and will always be with me. They immediately took me to the hospital and had my wounds stitched. Of all the people in that place, I was the only one wounded but still blessed that nothing worse happened.
It was a three-day board exam, a lot of obvious miracles happened. How they prohibited us to use our wrist watch to monitor the time and how my watch stopped working right after the time they said to remove so. By the grace of God, proctors was instructed to bring wall clock for all of us to monitor the time. If wrist watch was allowed then I’ll be the only one in the room who have no means to monitor the time as there is only three hours allotted for each subjects. It made my heart flutter how God moves in mysterious ways.
I was slightly in fever, had colds and cough but I was at peace. Before starting every subject, I asked for knowledge and guidance, I asked Him to be with me all throughout. He always lets me know that He is by my side. I finished the first day at ease. When I arrived at our dormitory, I was thanking God for His grace as I’m holding my watch then its hand amazingly started to move again. I was overwhelmed with joy, I couldn’t stop praising Him as I claim the CPA title. A lot more that I couldn’t explain happened. It is the hand of God that is moving in my life. It started when I surrendered everything to Him and do my part.
God’s silence is an answer. He wants us to trust Him when we do not understand. He wants us to let go of our ego and let God do what He does. He wants us to trust His timing and His plans. He wants us to trust the molding process, He is refining us to become who He wants us to be. His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He opens doors that no one can shut, He shuts doors that no one can open. He is in control. You do not need to carry the burden on your own, let God do it for you. It is by surrendering everything to Him that you know you’re claiming the victory. It is okay to feel pain and fear, courage is not the absence of those. Courage is when you surrender, courage is when you are weak yet know that you are strong. You are wounded but God is a Healer. Wound turns into scar, it is not meant to discourage us, scars be it on the skin or marks on our heart are reminder of what God brought us through. I’m revealing my scar to you for you to also have peace with your scars and to tell you that you are blessed because God entrusted you those. Be proud to wear God’s grace. Yes, I am now a Certified Public Accountant by the grace of God. Proud wounded warrior.