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A Whole Lotta Kissin' Going on

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

As Introductions Have

been a labor for me, I will take the responsibility of providing you a concise, clear introduction to this piece that will not have any, well, that much, holes so big that a Golden Laboratory Retriever could jump through it and so many loose ends that this narrative looks like the old shoes and empty soup cans that are tied to a newly-married couple on their way to have one more exciting honeymoon.

Kissing (can) start at a young age--but have you noticed (in reality) how much kissing is really going on?

Kissing (can) start at a young age--but have you noticed (in reality) how much kissing is really going on?

Ahhh, kissing in the shade. Fun, yes? But how much kissing is required?

Ahhh, kissing in the shade. Fun, yes? But how much kissing is required?

So With That Being Said,

I want to bring something to your attention that has somehow escaped our vision and flew by before we could yell Jack Spratt! Do you recall the last personal narrative that I ran concerning the many inconsistencies that we see on (night and daytime) television? Well, friends, hold on. This piece goes a tad deeper and a smidgen more bold as I want to discuss what looks like to be a pure epidemic that has bitten society all the way from people like me, in the crumbs of life and the upper crust who do not know that I even exist.

Kiss, kisses, and kissing. Now if I paid any attention in my eighth-grade English class, the word "kiss" was conjugated perfectly. For me to make a rash statement like: I would have loved to kiss my girlfriend, but she flew mad and told to kiss off, would be like taking the priceless Vincent van Gogh painting, Sunflowers, and trying to sell it in one of those seedy, off-the-interstate flea markets. The noun, kiss, is just too deep and expansive for me to attempt such work--although I have the time to do it. I just know how a reader can either can be interested or bored on a dime if my work isn't up to par.

Let's talk about kiss. Okay. We got: kiss on the cheek; Kiss in the dark; Kissing fish; Kiss my boss' butt; Kissing Cousins (nod to The King, Elvis Presley); Hershey's Kisses; Kiss and Tell; KISS, the band, and the proverbial hot, passionate kiss. That's as many as I want to remember about kissing because if I had looked up "kiss" that would have been a bit unfair on my part.

I first noticed that no matter where, or what, I see kissing by people that should just be winked at or hands shook and let it go at that, but both on camera, each celebrity who is called onto a stage has to kiss the emcee and receive the same in one fluid motion. Dyan Cannon was the best at giving and taking a kiss that I have ever seen. (nod to The "King" of Late Night TV, Johnny Carson), and I have even seen the kiss go to such levels seen in most barbecue rib joints in Tuscaloosa, Ala., where an upper crust gang of retiree's are there to dine on delicious ribs, (what else do you eat when the restaurant's name is "Big Johnny G's Rib Palace?") and up walks a few of their equally-upper crust retirees (you can tell by the expensive pants the guys are wearing) and all 67 retirees stand and kiss each other and go around the big table (obviously reserved) kissing fast and furious so much so that the patrons are making book on when their orgy is going to happen?

A sincere, gentle kiss on the cheek or lips is one sweet gesture of affection. I've seen this type of kiss that was so awkward, the female receiving the kiss from a guy as old as she was, just looked away and his lips got planted on her jaw bone. Too bad too. I was hoping maybe that the woman who was trying to deny the old gent a nibble on the lips might take a jab from the woman to put Romeo in his place.

Unlike the 1950s hit sitcom, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriett," in their moment in the spotlight, it wasn't as much kissing each other and their friends as it was greeting each family member when entering the room with "Hi, Dave," "Hi, Dad," and so on. This really got old quickly. I even seen the Nelsons at the dinner table and Rick asked to be excused because he needed to get the pickles in the refrigerator, of course he said, "excuse me, mom, dad, Dave. Be right back." The three nodded their heads in agreement, but in a mere eight seconds, in walked Rick with the pickles and I will be doggoned if each one of them did not say to Rick: "Hi, Rick," Ozzie said. "Hey, Rick," Dave said and "Hi, Rick," Harriett said then wiped her mouth with a fancy white napkin. "This" gesture of saying "hi" just got to be too much.

But kissing is everywhere. I like the kiss when the guy, maybe a male neighbor or friend, will hand out his right hand while received the female's right hand while aiming for her lips and in a flash, he touches her lips, they both smile and continue mingling and kissing as the day burns away.

Then there is that kissing that starts by grandparents, uncles, aunts, male and female cousins, these are called Maternal Kissing--safe, trusting, and the grandchild or other little ones can go about their way like nothing ever happened. This leads to Habitual Kissing and that is my point exactly. When does it end? Have you noticed how many people depend on the kiss at high school and college reunions? These Educational Kisses are approved by all standards of society. A peck here, a peck there and the band played on--no need in bothering the police. But I have heard (from the highest authority) that in a certain church affiliation, these two cousins, male and female, who attended worship services every Sunday and they both were looking to break records on how long they could hold a kiss--from lip-to-lip. Holy Kissing can lead to trouble and in a church environment, especially in the Bible Belt, the two people, even though they were "only"cousins, only needed to let their lips touch quickly, and before the preacher could say amen, these two cousins were committing adultery six ways to Sunday.

If you are a fan of Regulated, Safe Kissing, I have news for you. I watched a classic TV show last night and saw a young woman and man who were so in love that when they walked across the room, the girl gave her boyfriend an Air Kiss--that was so perfect in delivery, I thought it looked real. And I suppose that Air Kissing, if performed in moderation, can be okay. But not Air Adultery. I suggest that "this" physical gesture stay away from other people.

The same couple if they so desire to show their affection, they would be right and respectful to Throw Kisses to each other and there was a day when Throwing Kisses was considered taboo, but the Victorian Era, thank God, is long gone. Speaking of God. I recall, as you do, in the four gospels of the New Testament where Judas kissed Jesus on the cheek and we know the end result of this prophecy. I could ask if Jesus ever kissed a (male or female friend)? I would have to say yes, but just on the cheek because Jesus did not portray a whore monger or teach for His followers to practice free sex. Sure. Kissing on the cheek is fine.

Just as long as you don't belong to that once-powerful organization where all of the Fellas are Good.

© 2018 Kenneth Avery