A Tale About my Flat Bottom

Updated on September 25, 2018
kenneth avery profile image

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

Last Saturday, I Discovered

the most-amazing surprise (in my backyard) to happen to me in the last 40 years. At first, I really thought that I was in a very long, colorful dream, but no! I was really viewing the sight that was staring me square in the face: my dependable, reliable, and always-trusty Flat bottom.

But there it was, my trusty Flat bottom, as pretty as life, so I just kept my elation to myself and slowly walked over to this old full-length mirror with one of the edges cracked and so ready for the junk men to haul it away—yes, my backyard that I use to cull the things in my house from trash to valuable, so the full-length mirror, I distinctly remember, I had placed it standing against our huge Water Oak tree, came in mighty handy because without it, I couldn’t really see all of my very pretty Flat bottom.

Truth be told, “pretty” is not the word when describing my trusty Flat bottom. I can tell you without as much as one contradiction, me and my Flat bottom have went through some really stormy times in our lives and both of us lived to tell about it. A lot of people cannot lay claim to this statement.

Although these are pretty Flat bottom's, they cannot compare to mine.
Although these are pretty Flat bottom's, they cannot compare to mine. | Source

I Confess: I Have

in the last few years, took my faithful Flat bottom for granted. Although I am human to the bone, I stood guilty, without any excuse, as to why I felt like I could jump into any lake, and run like the wind with my Flat bottom always there with me. But that all changed one beautiful summer afternoon when I just had to get to a place that most experienced tourists shy away from: “Shyster’s Pond.” The fishing there is beyond belief. Boating? You bet.

And there lay my first mistake. Actually the biggest mistake. I took a running-go from about 40 yards (down hill) just me and my Flat bottom and when I hit the lake, the water splashed and foamed just like you see in those old “Sea Hunt” shows that starred young Lloyd Bridges. I stood up proud as any peacock, and when I started to start my Flat bottom, all I got was dead air. I tried to start my Flat bottom again, and still, dead air. Boy, the rest of the fishermen and boaters sure made sport of me and my Flat bottom, but I never gave in. I just worked and worked for almost an hour until I got my Flat bottom going and then, I learned my lesson as to never over-trust my Flat bottom ever again.

But when you have been blessed with a Flat bottom such as the one that I have, sometimes you do, take them for granted and like me, I learned the hard way and since that time on “Shyster’s Lake,” I have always made it a point to do the maintenance on my Flat bottom every week—whether it needs it or not. I have always subscribed to the old adage: “Preparation Is The Foundation of Fulfillment.” I asked around. You will be happy in knowing that the majority of people who have Flat bottom’s believe in this principle.

A Few Flat Bottom Myths and Truths

  • that I think you will enjoy. And pardon me for going overboard, (pardon the pun), but until last week, I never realized that a lot of things have been written about Flat bottoms—both true and false.
  • Most folks believe that a Flat bottom requires a person wearing a fancy wardrobe to be fulfilling. Of course, this is not true and not fit for verbiage to be written on men’s room walls, so be careful about what you say the next time you see a happy Flat bottom wearing just a nice coat of green color, you could hurt this Flat bottom’s feelings. A happy Flat bottom does not care if they wear costly array or rags.
  • Can a Flat bottom be trusted if the owner sometimes “pigs out” with buddies? Sure. A Flat bottom is more tolerant about most humanly-based items, including “pigging out.”
  • If a person is traveling down a beautiful lake taking his Flat bottom for a ride and you suddenly see smoke, does this mean anything serious? Yes. Very serious. It can only mean that the electrical system in one’s flat bottom is burning out and soon, the Flat bottom and owner will sink. I bet you thought that this was a trick sentence.
  • If you see another person traveling down the interstate taking his Flat bottom to a lake and you spot black smoke coming from the direction of the Flat bottom, does this mean trouble? Yes, but this IS a trick sentence. No sensible person would ever try to have their Flat bottom start on any highway before they enter a good body of water.

In Closing to This Tale,

I just have to share this bit of Flat Bottom Humor with you: two weeks ago, my wife insisted that I take her down to our local Kmart to have a family photo taken because the photography company was there taking photos that were almost free, so with a lot of protest, I gave in to the wife’s request. Upon our arrival, we had to take a number, so that wasn’t a problem.

Then when our number was called, we stood up ready for the photographer to snap our photo, but before my wife and I could get in a good pose, this smart mouthed photographer snapped (no pun intended), you, the wife. Stand right where you are. And you, with the big Flat bottom, stand toward your wife!

Before I could act sensible, I fired back: What big Flat bottom, buddy?

This exchange went on for about fifteen minutes until my wife grabbed an overcoat that she noticed was on sale for half price, and threw it over me and my Flat bottom and before we knew it . . .we were finished.

Hmmppphhh! Big Flat bottom, my butt!

These flat bottom's are perfectly-contended to sit on the shore and "wave" bye, bye.
These flat bottom's are perfectly-contended to sit on the shore and "wave" bye, bye. | Source

© 2018 Kenneth Avery


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    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James MizBejabbers 

      24 months ago from Beautiful South

      Very funny, Kenneth, sometimes I didn't know which "Flat bottom" you were talking about until you finished the sentence. Very inconsiderate and crude of the photographer, though. Good thing he wasn't speaking to the wife. I'm sure she would have picked up a Flat-bottomed skillet from the nearby kitchen department and cold-cocked him into a Flat head.

    • Seafarer Mama profile image

      Karen A Szklany 

      24 months ago from New England

      Awesomely humorously entertaining and informative through and through, Kenneth! Great job! So unique how you set up this article and included tips for "flat bottom" owners with a incredibly effective tongue-in-cheek approach. Loved it!

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 

      24 months ago from SW England

      An amusing commentary, Kenneth. Flat bottomed boats are popular with the students of Oxford and Cambridge; they call those punts and they have long poles to steer with, bit like gondolas. Great for shallow water of course.

      Enjoyed this light read.


    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      24 months ago from Queensland Australia

      This was funny, Kenneth. I did think you were talking a different flat bottom (well you were at the end..excuse the pun.) It reminded me of my hub "Assnapped (Inspired by "The Bugalugs Bum Thief" by Tim Winton.)


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