Missy is a unique writer who enjoys inviting her readers into her thoughts through her poetry and other topics of discussion.
Just One of Those Days
So it goes, another day to remind me of my dark side. The side of me that feels out of place in social situations. The part of me that feels judged by every single person who knows me and who thinks they know me. It was that kind of day. Hell, it’s been that kind of week. A week of having to explain away why I think the way I do and the continuing aggravation of defending my reasons behind who I am. And even worse, defending who my children are to others, because bless their hearts, they are part of me. We as three have had plenty of judgments thrown at us for whatever reason. I’m tired, hurt, and guilt-stricken now that I have realized my children are, at this moment in time, in this misery called my life.
My Children are Mirror Images of My Two Personalities
Today, I feel my light leaving and my dark side returning, and I realize I am made up of two quite different personalities. Sometimes I am the most caring person -- I admit I would like to think that most of the time I am this caring person. However, I am a potty mouth rebel woman at times. Who could blame me for the unfair life I have experienced, right?
I suffered through a lot of torments as a shy child and abuse from relationships as an adult, which has put me in hardships. It is no wonder that I am this other person at times. When I think about it, it makes sense that my two kids inherited the single versions of the two sides of me. My daughter is mostly low-key and humble and super smart in a very prestigious way. My son can be rude, uninhibited with his words and actions, but he is very smart in a cunning way. The truth is, and I am being very honest here, when my son uses some foul language to express himself, I almost do not even mind.
It is not my son’s fault that he is a rebel badass that is extremely uncontrollable occasionally. No, I am not condoning it, and especially his hateful ways at times, however, I do find that I understand his anger. Besides the fact that his gene pool consists of mine, he has been raised with only me -- his mother. It is rough for a boy to be raised by merely his mother. I feel for both of my children in this way. It is sad though, as I already feel guilty for being the only parent, I have now realized I have to feel responsible for passing on my most unfavorable trait to my little guy. All I can do is keep trying to sway him to be the best person he can be and hope it catches on soon.
I would like to say that he can be sweet as well. Right now, he is going through a rough stage. Even so, I know we will get through it. I just need to find a way to bury the anger in him. I did not express anger about these things he is experiencing until I got older. He, however, acts his out now. If I am lucky, maybe he is dealing with it in the best way. Perhaps, I should have expressed anger as a young girl and left it behind me as an adult. I could have just been the caring part of me all the time, rather than these two personalities I am now. I am still trying to figure out how to be human enough to satisfy everyone else’s opinion of how normal is supposed to be, and then some days I simply do not care what anyone thinks.
I am sorry, but I have learned to like these two vastly different sides to my personality. Nevertheless, I know it is difficult to get to the point of liking yourself when you realize you have become an outcast. However, I am going to hope for the best and keep supporting my son with the most love and care that I can.
My Final Thought
I think the important message that I wanted to convey in this hub was that it is awesome to be different. These days, I look at what is considered normal in society and it is easy to see just how special the outcasts are. They inevitably possess real wisdom to share with others, in which they have gained by becoming extremely observant. People like me and my son, who are shy and put down for being odd, gain this wonderful ability to observe our surroundings. It will usually help us love ourselves in the end because we just understand the truth that most will not admit, and that is -- everyone on earth has a bit of weird in them, but not all of us are courageous enough to show it and be ourselves. I hope I can make my son understand this and I hope he becomes proud of being unique. He is a prodigy of his mother after all, and baby...we were born this way!!
My Latest Poetic Inspirations
When I get down about life, and these days of confusion and sadness come upon me, I tend to listen to music. Sometimes the music inspires me, and I’m that side of me who is caring and loving, and you will read that in my poetry. Then there are times, like now, in which I am so exhausted from how life has been that I draw from the dark side of me. I listen to music, and artists whom I relate to uniquely.
Today, I listened to Jack White and Lady Gaga. These are two artists that I relate to on a level of artistic vision. They both write their music with emotions from their weird side. I was inspired to write this latest poem in the way I believe Jack and Gaga also write their songs -- with a confusing dark edge that only outcasts could truly understand. This one is for the misunderstood of society.
I Dedicate This Essay to Rick Genest "Zombie Boy" A Beautiful Outcast - RIP
Me Against The World
You don’t know me
and you never will.
I was born to be rotten,
Looks to kill…
sweet as sugar from
experience, but a heart
as black in deliverance.
Deep are my thoughts
you cannot see. I am
an unequivocal mystery.
Underestimated ever to
achieve a life which is
based off my pretty dreams.
I will not deny the hardships
I’ve seen; they carry me,
bury me, yet define me as me.
And even though this
is a hard fight, my will still
resists in allowing this world
to cast me outside.
My Hubs Are Different At Times. They Are Written Through Emotions of What I Go Through...
If You Like This Hub, Please Be My Guest and Read More of My Thoughts and Poetry.
- A Poet's Perception (Poem)
This is basically my own perception of how my life has gone and continues to carry on. It's also about being fine with the outcome, and accepting things as they are.
© 2016 Missy Smith
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on June 12, 2016:
That made me smile, Deb. I can totally see you brewing that storm up and letting it roll. I have faith in the years to come. I think my children and myself will make it out in the sunshine one day. :) Thank You!
Deb Hirt from Stillwater, OK on June 05, 2016:
Kids have a hard time growing up with surging hormones as teens, but being one of the outcasts is doubly tough. They'll join forces with others that are left of center, and that's when things will really rock. I once made a thunderstorm under the ceiling of my chemistry class.
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on June 04, 2016:
This was a perfect comment to lead up to my latest hub, Frank. You should check it out. It talks about darkness being a pathway to our own light and understanding of ourselves and others basically. Thank You for your insight. ~Missy
Frank Atanacio from Shelton on June 03, 2016:
today it seems so many children in our tri state area are growing up without fathers.. life is hard.. that's what makes it worth living.. the challenges.. anyways.. love the poem.. and your hubs always gives me pause... :)
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on June 03, 2016:
Love these words of wisdom, Hari. Thank you! :)
Hari Prasad S from Bangalore on May 31, 2016:
Laws of nature, will always overpower.
Be calm, like a river,
Stop never and be aware,
Cause and effect are for ever.
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on May 31, 2016:
You're right Venkat. I believe there are more out there that are dealing with similar circumstances, and I hope some of them come across this article. I really like to put my feelings out there to those people who might relate, and maybe they will know there are others that have to go through close situations. I think sometimes we feel alone with our struggles, and it helps to know we are not alone in them. Thank you.
Venkatachari M from Hyderabad, India on May 31, 2016:
It's a true account of the life which many others might be getting through in their lives. I think a portion of my life (rather say my wife's life) went through it and my sons were sufferers during that period. But, got through it without much damage. So, I can understand your position very well. It is the way of life and we should face the challenges very bravely with much patience. Hope better days are ahead soon.
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on May 30, 2016:
Thank you so much for saying that, Bill. I find that writing about human experience is considerably more important than a recipe. Quite frankly, I get so bored when an article of that kind, and the kind that has too much fact-based propaganda in them makes me fall asleep. What’s the point? I suppose they could be informative if you are researching for a book report, but I don’t choose to write this way.
I want to touch people in the heart, and bring human conditions up to people who are so set in the media driven world to where they have lost the ability to empathize with others on a compassionate level. It just so happens; I don’t have to do much research for that kind of writing. My life is filled with these kinds of issues, and I choose to make myself and life an open book in hopes I do find people who can relate.
I have found what I like to call my own unique outlet of expression, and don’t worry, I’m not giving it up. Oh, I do get to a point sometimes where I feel maybe my words are not resonating well with the readers, but then you and Paula come by to rescue me out of doubt. I love both of you for doing that. Like I told Paula, your words of wisdom and kindness mean so much to me.
In a way, my most favorite part about writing a hub is when you comment, and we can have a conversation about it. In that way, I feel if other readers can see how great it is to get to know and communicate with others, then indeed I’m achieving the goal I wanted to; divisions will come together, and true friendships can be made. Thank you so much, Bill. ~Missy
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on May 30, 2016:
First, I would like to say you always refresh my mind when I read your comments. Is it bad of me to admit that I wait for your words to bring me back to reality, because I don’t care, I’m consistently about the truth, so I feel it is my duty to thank you for those wise words of yours?
When I write this way, I have experienced some dreadful days, and this, as you know, is my way of bringing myself out of a state of confusion that this world puts me in with cruel judgments and unintelligent reasons for opinions some, I encounter, have. You along with Bill, John, Deb, and a few others make me feel part of this world again by truly getting the person I am. If I’m honest, I’ve never had much positivity expressed to me before in this life. Your kind words unfailingly reassure me; I am not alone anymore.
However, I have been labeled the outcast for so long now, that I believe I wear it like a crown instead of feeling like an odd ball out. The beauty of getting older is appreciating one’s self for who you are and letting go of all the other negative BS. I do that most of the time these days, but I will say, when I realize I have a child who may be having the same bad luck as his mother did, it stings a little. The past rears its ugly head to remind me that although my fight is over for myself, that it’s not truly over. I will now have to find a way to comfort my child and let him know that he is just as normal as any other kid. Like you said Paula, there really are no true outcasts.
Johnny Depp’s quote did sum it up in the best way, and that is why I am a big fan of his. It’s not about that guy’s acting that I have been such a fan of through the years, although I do love some of his movies, but it is every time I have watched him on an interview, or he’s spoken about life, well that is what has truly drawn me to him.
As always, thank you so much for your wisdom, Paula. Peace and Love, ~Missy
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on May 30, 2016:
Writing, for me, has always been about human connections. I understand whey other write cooking articles and "how to" articles, but for me there would be no joy in those endeavors.
I have to touch people. I'm a hugger by nature, and through my words I also want to hug my readers. I want them to know me as a person and I want to know them as real people.
That's my long-winded way of saying keep doing what you are doing and I'll keep reading your words. And if you ever post a recipe I'm outta here! LOL
Suzie from Carson City on May 30, 2016:
"We," as humans, have multiple sides, Missy. This is a blessing~~It's actually wonderful & exciting. No one wants to be dull, listless & boring. We need our various natures to be part sugar & spice, part stubborn & assertive, as well as a dash of mystery & a spoonful of naughty!! We are each our very own recipe. NO ONE is an outcast. There is a vast Universe of diversity, surprises and puzzles needing to be put together. This is all a part of what keeps us going, searching, laughing, crying and learning!
There is no rhyme nor reason for guilt of any kind!! You can be proud to be your children's mother, single or not. Your parenting & unconditional love is ALL they need. Keep doing what you're doing. They will be just fine & grow into wonderful, independent & multi-faceted adults. As they look back on their formative years, they'll give YOU the credit and appreciation. JUST BELIEVE ME.
Dark side, light side & all the other sides....YOU are you~~and this world is a better place because you are in it.
I love Johnny Depp's quote. Everyone is "weird" and how awesome is that?? The greatest gathering in the world is of hoards of people, all quite different from one another, yet all with one spirit. That's the group of individuals who will change the world, save the world and at the end of the day, KNOW EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE!!
Missy Smith (author) from Florida on May 30, 2016:
Thank you, and oh yes, I will hang in there. It's been a rough couple of weeks as you can tell by my hubs. They have suffered as well, because, well, I've been writing out more frustrations and hurtful things that on occasion bother me. I could have not written anything these past weeks, but you know me, I go for it good or bad. It doesn't matter if I'm happy and inspired by something, or if I'm sad and angry with life. However, I do admit; I've had trouble expressing these things in words lately. If you take a look back at my hubs, you can certainly tell that I have been struggling for a few weeks now, but I like to post them. I still think it may reach someone who understands and appreciates my way of sharing. :)
My son is going through a bit of being an outcast lately, and it's been hard on me. I see my own past as a child in him. Kids can be cruel. So, of course this has made me feel extremely low and guilty lately. However, we just entered Summer Break! I'm hoping we have a fun one. Next year, I have decided that I will homeschool him at least for a year. He had a rough year this year. I want him to try to release some of that anger and become happy all the time again. I can't tell you how deeply hurt a parent feels, especially a single mom, who sees something familiar that she herself has experienced as she rides by the school yard and sees her son all alone and sad on the playground.
Thanks for answering the poll, I see that someone else did as well and decided to vote on the insulting answer I put up as a choice. I was curious if some thought this is what I was doing, but I would like to assure everyone that it's really not a pity party. I don't feel pity for myself, and haven't for a long time. I get sad. I get lonely, and parenting alone gets challenging; even so, I really like myself. I like these two sides of myself. It was funny I had two reactions when I saw the response too. The nice me, felt a little bad someone could not understand me and, in fact, view me as wanting attention by being pitiful. However, that little devious side of me laughed out loud and actually loved that response. It just showed that some people are sadly incapable of understanding or even wanting to understand someone else. I can almost put money on it, that the person that voted this way has talked about their own issues in life way more than I have and to a deeper extent. I have a few ideas on who voted this way. As I said, I am naturally observant to how people are, which ultimately will tell me the truth about someone. lol.... No hard feelings to them!
Hey, I do kind of like my poem though. And again, you know me, that is the most important part. If I add poetry to a hub, that's what I really want the reader to recognize. :)
Thanks for stopping by Jodah. I always appreciate your kind words. ~Missy
John Hansen from Queensland Australia on May 30, 2016:
I am sorry that you and your children are going through this tough time at the moment, Missy. Just hang in there, things will improve. It is hard for kids to grow up without a parent, especially a boy without a father. You know how I feel about you and your writing(hubs), so I don't really have to answer your poll but I did. Stay strong. Thanks for sharing.