A List of Some of The Most-Awful Noises That One Human Can Produce
Let‘s Be Real Honest
about this piece. This hub can represent a lot of things: comedy, Self-Help, and some good, old-fashioned reading—much better than those ten-cent novels available in most drug stores. This work is from my heart. Nothing else. Nothing more. But I want it to mean something to you—not like one of my stale one-liners that you read, laugh like a hyena, and then move on.
This hub is the work of a lot of my time spent researching the text and how to present it in such a way that none of you will hang a worn title on me that says, ““Just Another Foolish Hub.“ If you were under that, or some other mindset, I am sorry.
So relax. Turn off the TV. Put down your daily newspaper and read what I have for you and even if I do say so, this hub will stay with you for weeks. I promise.
Let‘s Be Real Honest Once Again
and when you read this sentence you will find yourself in agreement with me. We are all human. Bound to the flawed flesh that cannot be perfected no matter how much Yoga, Self-Help, and Meditation that you have done. Sorry. As long as we draw the sweet breath of life, we are bound to make mistakes once in awhile.
But then there are those who for some reason (that you or I cannot explain), just have to make some sort of noise. The type of noises that quickly get on your nerves and the type of noise that make you want to yell: Shut that crap up or I am going to call the cops!
And the thing is, I am as guilty as you and the rest of humanity. Oh, we do not mean to make awful noises, but for every aggravating noise, there is a reason. Some people have a nervous condition that is incurable. Some people are addicted to hearing the sound of their noises and others who just want some attention when the need arises.
I suppose that I need to give you the headline . . . A List of Some of The Most-Awful Noises That One Human Can Produce, and even if you do not read the rest of this hub, the headline says it all. NOTE: I will list some aggravating, nerve-pinching noises for you to peruse, but I will wait for the worst noises to be place near the end.
Breaking Wind – this one can be on the fence whether it is from a medical reason or those who like to pass wind to get some sort of a rise from others. Most Wind-Breakers can be found at the city library a place that was designed to be noise-free, but I have known of those who have broke wind while in church. This one‘s still a mystery to me.
Awful Singing – is not an uncommon noise made from people with somewhat happy souls. And when we do hear , “Handy Man,“ (by James Taylor) sung by someone who obviously has not darkened the door of any music school, we find ways to not notice these special people.
Detestable Whistling – can be just one of the sources of frayed nerves. It wouldn‘t be as aggravating if the person who was whistling (while others cover their ears) knew how to carry a tune. I have been the presence of people who thought that whistling their favorite Top 40 song that they heard on the radio--“Hair,“ by The Cowsills and the rest of us grimace with anger. My advice to you detestable whistlers is go to music school, hire a music teacher, please.
Foot and Hand Tapping – is from a habit that some people have and we can only assume that those who have beat their feet and hands almost to the bone from waiting in long lines, there is probably not a way to cure these habits. I know that even the best of us get annoyed at the hand-popping and foot-tapping, so being nice to those with this awful habit is out of the question because the people will substitute more annoying habits besides beating their hands and feet. I happen to recall that when the rock band, The Safaris, recorded their major hit, “Wipe-Out,“ this caused a wave of young boys and (some) girls who loved to try and copy the drumming by thumping their thumb and fore finger on the edge of their desk. I thought that this loving look at Music History would be a nice touch to this item.
Obsessive-Winking – is very annoying if you have ever been the victim of a person who “talks“ with their eyes. This is not a dig about used car salespersons, but I have known a few that no matter what they said, they would accentuate the point with a wink. But the problem still exists because I always wonder when a person overly-winks they are up to something.
Obsessive-Spitting-- which is seen by players in Major League Baseball and some players in the NFL. But in the years since the MLB and other professional sports teams banned tobacco, the people who just have to spit are far less than when the ban was enforced.
Awful Sounds Made With Food – by people mostly in restaurants. You can hear them clear across the dining area. Each bite the Human Noise-maker they take, they have to say something like yum! Oh, yeah! That‘s the stuff! Other patrons are sure to gawk at these noisy eaters, but the strange thing about “these“ people is that they have no sense of decency when it comes to others. Even the poor waiters are careful about rebuking them because they are great customers. NOTE: I might add that the sound of anyone munching potato chips, corn chips, and any chip with their mouth open really irks me and I am sure that you feel the same way.
Change and Keys Rattling – by men who seemingly have to do this or burst. I knew a guy who didn‘t stop rattling his change and keys even in church and you know something? People do not get used to something as loud as the preacher.
Yawning With an Open Mouth – which is very ill-mannered and very out-of-place—especially when (mostly guys) yawn, but top it off with a bear-like growl that everyone can hear. If these guys would simply put a hand over their mouth, I would not be writing this.
Reading Out-loud – from a book or a computer screen. I do not want to mark those who do this as evil people, it‘s just that my teachers were quick to tell me to please read to yourself—not to the class.
TV Viewers – who are watching your favorite show in your home and on your TV. The people must have ESP for they tell what is going to happen before it happens and they announce it ou-tloud. Some people not only ruin the event by “spilling the beans,“ but they resort to doing awful impressions by the stars on your favorite show. This is very annoying and if you tactfully try to get these people to not do it, they are quickly-offended and vow to never sit foot on your home—but in a week or two, everything‘s okay and they are back again.
Bubble Gum and Regular Gum – abusers are not the worst people with annoying habits, but truly rate on the top ten of things that irk others. In the case of bubble gum chewers, it is the adolescents and teens who blow huge bubbles in and out of public and laugh wildly when it pops—and their bubbles do pop on unsuspecting victims. And people who chew regular gum can, with a little work, manage to make their gum pliable into making bubbles. Neither habit is good in public places.
Non-Stop Talking – is witnessed almost everywhere. Malls, cars, and parking lots. Some people who love to talk do just that. Talk more and more and mostly say nothing. Some lovers of gab will tell a semi-interesting story once, and do most of the laughing and in less than five minutes, they repeat the same story and laugh even harder to themselves. Unless you give them a civil reason why you are walking away, you are stuck. Just be on guard.
I Have Saved My Final Two Annoyances For The Last and they both are seen at the top and bottom of this hub. I could just leave them the way they are and you would know what I was going for, but I want to share with you.
Cracking Knuckles – as seen in the (top photo). I mean grown, adult men and some women will sit and crack their knuckles and say when they crack their knuckles in the library or church, their noisy knuckles can be a major distraction with no way to escape except to endure it. No amount of angry looks or loud breaths can stop them. Some in this class will say that it is an affliction of sorts and cannot find the cure. Sigh!
Snapping One‘s Fingers – take a good look at the late rock legend, Buddy Holly. Notice his hands? What would you guess he is doing? No. He is not rubbing softener cream on his fingers, but snapping his fingers as he sways to “Peggy Sue,“ and other Holly hits. I can tell you that I have watched him on TV in the early days of The Ed Sullivan Show and even then, he snapped his fingers as if he were under a magic spell. One has to wonder if he just ceased from snapping his fingers would his songs and singing be as good?
I didn‘t share any of my annoying habits because I left you something to do.
January 12, 2019____________________________________
© 2019 Kenneth Avery