A Letter To My Fearful Self
I know you are scared...
I know you are scared and trying to protect me. You kept me from being vulnerable so I could not be hurt again. I was brought to my end and you swore you would not let that happen again. I allowed you to close me off, only giving people the superficial me. Not letting them in and pushing them away by any means necessary. I relented to being alone. You let me have friends but when they became too close, you found a reason to remove them. If you could not find a reason, you connected dots until a fictitious story became real and convinced me of its truth.
I know you are scared. I feel all of your fear. I understand it but I do not need to be afraid. When I fight you, your anger and sadness explodes through me onto those I Love. The delusions you create hurts. It hurts me. It hurts the people I Love. It hurts my friends and those trying desperately to Love me.
I know you are scared. I LOVE YOU. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I will keep saying this until you accept it. I will say this after you accept this. I Love You. You do not have to be afraid of Love. What you have been trying to protect me from, no longer exists. That is no longer real in my world. That was yesterday. Today is different. Today is Wonderful! Today is Blessed. Today would not have been possible without the past but a future full of Love, happiness, joy, amazement, beauty, new life, and everything wonderful will not be possible if you continue to sabotage me with old fears.
I know you are scared. It is my turn to protect you by living and showing you the possibilities that Loving completely brings. You are crouched in a dark room lashing out. When you do this I change. My face and who I am changes. It changes my energy and traps me in that room with you. I know you are confused. I know you do not want to be alone. It is okay. I am here now to hold you. I am here to protect you. I have the strength I didn't have before.
I know you are scared. I am not angry with you. I do not have any malice towards you. It is me that did not stand up and take your hand when I should have. It is me that gave up and didn't comfort and Love you as I should. I am not angry with you. You did the only thing you knew, but I want to show you something new. I want to show you the Love you've never received. The Love you once gave freely but have run from and finally forgotten.
I know you are scared. I will sit with you when you cannot stand. I will stand with you when you are frozen in place. I will take your hand and walk with you until you can run, and we will leave that room together. I will not leave you behind. I will not abandon you as you have been abandoned in the pat. Yes, it was horrifying, but we are no longer in that place. We no longer need to analyze every detail. I still need your vigilance but what I need more from you now is a change. It is time for you to change. I Love you too much to leave you behind. You protected me when no one else would. I am grateful because I would not be here otherwise, but I am here. I am here in this time. This is the present and the past holds no power over me anymore.
I know you are scared. You are scared to be Loved. You are even more scared of Loving and having that Love betrayed again. That will not happen this time. I am here to Love you. It is okay. It will be alright. Life will continue to test you, relentlessly at times but I have been brought back despite your endless fears. I am your calm. I am your strength. I will hold you tight when you are shaking. It is my turn to be the center once more. You have been in this overwhelming position for too long. You are exhausted but fighting none the less. Thank you for fighting for me. But it is not your responsibility anymore. Rest. I will sit with you and comfort you. Sleep. I will stay if you wake from old memories. It is okay. It will be okay. I am here now.
I know you are scared. But I no longer am. I have been shown a Love so deep and pure. This is the Love you do not need to be afraid of. This is the Love you always longed for. She Loves us. No matter how hard you have pushed, she has remained steadfast. This alone proves this time is different. A different person. Real Love. The same Love I am offering to you now. I believe in you. I know how strong you are. This is how I know the fear you have now, will change and grow into something beautiful. It will become the Love she has shown both of us. So here I am for you. Understanding. Loving. Patient. Open armed. Open hearted. Grateful.
It is finally time for us to LIVE.
There is nothing to fear.
There is nothing left to do but LOVE.