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In Pursuit Of Fearlessness


In Pursuit Of Fearlessness

Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate, concentrate- how hard it actually is for someone like me. How hard it is to remain dedicated and loyal for a long time. Still I want those things from other. It is very selfish of me to be hopeful to highest limit when I am the one whose admirable qualities are so fickle. Should I stop dreaming then? Should I sacrifice all those ambitions for the peace of my mind? It is very hard indeed even for one day. Am I jealous of the greater ones? Of course I am. Am I really this pathetic to drool over other's success? Of course I am! Though it is difficult to accept myself but I will never stop loving myself for this because that would be just laughable.

Fate has now stopped giving me choices. I wanted to get older and I did, but for nothing. It is rather very surprising that I often envy those birds who learn to fly and live on their own very quickly, and how quickly they find the time to teach their younger ones. They were pushed from behind and were forced to learn against the battle of nature. I also stumbled and ran ahead but no inspiration grew there. Only anger and hatred became my fast friends and self defence. I sharpened my tongue to hurt others, to make them feel ashamed and guilty, but the biting conscience never stopped taunting; never stopped reminding me of my own blood. As I grew up some mistakes started burning like sins. Though I don't believe that I have ever committed any heinous crime like murder or rape but I did steal money once and it was joyful. As it was not an act committed against nature and I was capable of sleeping sound at night. Maybe karma will take some steps against me by reducing me to a destitute. Unemployed, hesitant and insecure in my own circle can also be considered as a punishment but I simply choose to ignore that feeling. That is not the truth though cause there has been plenty of nightmares involving me failing and falling again and again.

It was a nice evening- everyone was overjoyed that the lengthy process of mourning and feasting ended pleasantly- but there was also the matter of heat that defeated our saviour commonly known as ice cream- everyone blamed the laziness of those arrogant youths whose neglect had caused such disaster- but I was happy that it ended- relatives and friends were more than welcome only if they were helpful- so obviously it was a pleasure when they decided to leave after the feeding ceremony- these thoughts were only mine to reflect upon as I was thoroughly enjoying the solitude with the soulless stars- wind was blowing and I was thinking - they had again commented about my only private decision - I am of age of course and also a very ripe piece of marriageable community but that is unnecessary- jobless, loveless but not fatless is the perfect compound for early marriage- I want to earn money to eat and to drink and to dance and to travel and to give something back to those persons who will be genuinely pleased to see to prosper and to feel some power- I don't want to be a wingless bird anymore-

Rushing with the wind and drinking life from shower,

I let myself free, nothing can stop my motion-

Like a bird I fly and losing my wings I die;

Again the chain comes to bind but I run

Towards the sun hungry for the heat and angry heartbeats.

I shall prove to them that I can face dangers,

Where there is nothing but dark and doom-

I shall not fear neither shall I halt,

Life is out there with the storm and the sea,

My limbs are stronger than the Titanic,

I shall not stop and I shall not fail-

This shall be my song and this shall be my goal .If I had no worries about falling I wouldn't have feared the heights. To make this happen, to change the predictable truth about myself, I should put my blind faith upon my inevitable fate.

© 2020 Sannyasi Raja