How Unconditional Love Actually Feels
We live in a world of lopsided development, where cognitive intelligence is far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence. We mistake lust for love. We let our low-vibrational human urges get the best of us and in turn, sabotage our relationships that may have offered the opportunity for real love.
Motivational speaker, Kyle Cease said:
"You can only accept the level of love outside of you at the level that you accept it with yourself. So if you don't love yourself and you don't love the scared little voice in you, and you don't spend time meditating and connecting to that, and someone comes and actually loves you, it's horrifying because it's bigger than you've let yourself have. So you sabotage it and go to people that will match your fear based place. And then you become a people pleaser. And a people pleasers can only attract takers."
I spent my entire 2017 working on myself. I forced myself to sit for months in total isolation in a little hut in the middle of the Amazon rain forest looking deep within myself, trying to grasp an understanding of my subconscious mind; where my insecurities came from and why I behaved in certain ways. I tried to heal areas of my life that were keeping me from serving my highest potential, such as self-destructive tendencies and obsession. In the process, I learned so much about myself. I didn't know how deeply I could love myself until I went through this process. And through the process of learning how to deeply love myself, I learned how to deeply and truly love others. But in a world where the majority of people have been steered away from learning how to love, especially themselves, the people who actually have taken the time to learn how to really love are at risk of having their heart broken.
I recently was deeply hurt by someone that I truly cherished. And yes, I will write about this publicly because I believe that through my pain comes inspiration to myself and others. And if people wanted me to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
After over a year of being single, sharing my thoughts and my body with no man, I finally trusted someone who I really did believe was "remarkable." His intelligence was the most attractive aspect, and we really grew to like each other's company, or so I thought. He was armored, and expressed to me that he had been deeply hurt by a past love after she had cheated on him. I was empathetic to his pain and also very interested in getting to know his past, not to punish him, but to understand how he needed to be shown love. For over a month I invested a lot of time and energy in showing this person that there are people out there who can show genuine love and are trustworthy. Here's how he repaid me.
While staying with my best friend of six years in Colorado, I started to get this feeling that he was creepily stalking her over Instagram, of all places. I even told her, "I think he likes you," which made my friend very, very uncomfortable. Two days later, she came back from work, anxious to tell me that this man that I had invested a lot of energy in had messaged her, confessing in a rather sadistic way that my fears had created some sort of "taboo hotness to the idea" of having sex and connecting with her on an intimate level. This was obviously a very painful betrayal and unsurprisingly, we both blocked him on every social media outlet. That kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and no one should ever tolerate that kind of emotional and sexual immaturity from any man or a woman.
Through this kind of pain, I realized how much I have truly grown as the woman I've always wanted to be. I could have messaged him and screamed at him and made it known at how upset and hurt I was. Instead, I messaged him one last time and in a very calm manner, told him that his actions were very immature, and I wished him well (even though in that exact moment I really didn't wish him well, I'll admit).
Why am I sharing this so openly? Well, I've had a few days to really sit with my pain. One minute, I'd be fine. The next minute I'd be feeling the heaviness of the heart break again. I've questioned myself, compared myself to my best friend, and have gone through every emotion on the spectrum that you could expect to follow after something so painful happens.
Sudden, shocking breaks in relationships seem to be the norm for me, seeing as I always want to get involved with someone who portrays themselves as broken and I'm the kind of person who really wants to help others heal their pain. Situations like this always throws me into unknown waters, but also new learning experiences. And in this case, the learning experience is so important that I can't NOT share it!
I think any woman in my situation would feel angry and want some sort of revenge towards a person who would sink so low and and take advantage of their love. Anger is a healthy, natural reaction that tells you that someone is essentially fucking with you. And we shouldn't deny ourselves the right to feel anger, however, I think that many women hold resentment after their partners betray them or do something extremely selfish or hurtful. Despite whether this breaks the relationship or not, resentment does not allow your partner (in my case, ex partner) the freedom to change in the future, which does not represent unconditional love for the other person. Anger can be healthy, but it can also be a curved blade that hurts us worse than it hurts the other person. When we carry that anger and resentment for months or even years, it creates emotional turmoil in ourselves and the relationship. We have to learn to let it hurt, let it bleed, let it heal and the most challenging, let it go.
Two nights ago, very naturally, I was able to connect with the old feelings I had for this person one more time, and realized in that moment that what I was actually feeling was unconditional love. I've never felt unconditional love after being hurt, so this was a whole new exciting experience! And what I've realized, (which is why I share so openly) is that in that feeling of unconditional love, I found my freedom.
"The sward of vengeance can never be mightier that the flower of forgiveness."
Some people are just not ready to evolve yet, and we must respect and accept their decision and move on to bigger and better things for our soul; to love people who are actually ready to grow and evolve mentally and emotionally.