To My Mom - A Would-Be Eulogy.
You leaving can only be described with one word… ‘Sudden’.... it was like being on a rollercoaster, there was no time to catch my breath before the next part came to throw me off, you leaving was like that.
It was like being in the middle of a field on a sunny completely normal repetitive day and all of a sudden it just starts thundering, covering the whole field with darkness and rain that was never-ending and on full force, every time you tried to move out of range of it too fast, you’d slip and fall on your face, if you moved too slow you’d be stuck there for what seemed like forever with the eventual feeling of giving up completely and letting the darkness and rain come over you in a form of depression and acceptance all mixed in one, you leaving was like that.
I was at school one day it was August 3rd, 2005 I was in school probably zoning out when I heard my name, my sister's name and my brother's name being called on the intercom. I was always so excited when I got called to the office like that but then it happened all so fast one minute I'm at school and the next I'm in front of my aunt's house with two of my siblings, feeling really confused.
Why were we here? Is my dad here? My Mom? I remember walking into that house and feeling a sense of dread clawing at my chest as I saw my aunties and uncles with tear-streaked faces and at that moment I knew something bad had happened, but what? Nothing clicked, in my head I was playing the ‘guess the worst thing that could have happened’ game but I couldn’t pinpoint anything that I thought might’ve happened and then I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and the words that they said still ring in my head like an incessant prodding in my mind.
‘Your Mom died’
I felt like someone just punched me in the gut, I couldn’t breathe, I clawed at my throat trying to get just a wisp of air in but nothing would quench my thirst for air, I couldn’t see anything, tears blurring my vision, no matter how many times I would wipe them away, they’d come back even harder like a waterfall after rain. Everyone around me seemed to disappear and I was left in the darkness of my own mind, it felt like everything was caving in on me, I had no control over my emotions or my body and I could hear screaming, so much screaming and it sounded so painful and heartbroken and I realised it was me, I was screaming and before I knew it, I was on the floor crying my eyes out. I remember thinking, today was suppose to be a good day, I was going to be a big sister instead of the youngest in the family but that’s when it dawned on me, what had happened to the baby? That’s when they told me that baby was going to die, she was brain dead and my dad had decided to take her off life support I remember the words he told me clearly “if she breathes and fights without the support then she will come back but if she doesn’t and she can’t then she can go with her Mom” at the time I didn’t understand how he could just let her go so easily with a sentence that put it so simply, but I understand now and I realise how strong of a person he really was and still is to deal with losing the love of his life.
My Mom, I was told was a person who was very firm and strong-minded, she had a temper but loved my dad and her kids more than anything and always thought of what was best for us.
I don’t really remember what my Mom was like, Was she really nice? Did she smile a lot? What’s her favourite colour? Her favourite song? Does she like sports? I don’t know all I can remember are a few memories, picking her up from work and refusing to share my food with her, getting a hiding from her for cutting the phone cord, having her be the only one that would play with me when I asked and go to the movies with her and my dad and then be a spoiled brat afterwards. I vaguely remember her being at my fifth birthday and her telling me and two of my siblings that she was having a baby... That’s all the memories I have of her but they’re memories that I will never forget, good or bad.
My Mom didn’t have a chance to teach me anything that a girl would learn from their Mom I didn’t have that relationship, that special bond between a mother and daughter. I had to learn things from my dad or just figure things out for myself and it’s been a journey especially with hateful people and false family trying to push me off my course but I remember my Mom as someone who wouldn’t let anyone mess with her or her family so I try and aspire to be the same.
I was five when my Mom died, it's been twelve years and now I'm seventeen and even though I can hardly remember her, she gave me so much to learn from just by her existing in my memories and others memories and just by being in my life for those first five years. If I had to conjure up one life lesson that she would want me to carry for the rest of my life, it is this: People are like a box of chocolates, there will be bad ones and there will be good ones, you just have to learn which is which and pick who to choose to associate yourself with to find that pleasure of true family, true friends, and true living.
I miss you Mom, I will trust in the words that dad has told me are from you and the lessons that you have left me to learn, I will make you proud and learn to trust in you, dad and myself because that’s all I need in my life, I love and miss you.
Well, this one is pretty obvious, I was going to edit it seeing as it is a couple year's old as I am no longer seventeen but I thought I should keep it as is. More real that way, I guess.