The First of December - A Day to Remember

Updated on December 6, 2017
Jackie Lynnley profile image

Poetry that comes from the writer's heart of things she has seen or come to know about, sharing what that heart has learned.

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This is a poem I wrote the first December after my mother died in June. The feelings I had were still very raw and painful and the poem will reflect that but of course now I am quite healed, as one can get of losing a mother, that is.

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Gone But Not Forgotten

At that time I was very upset because I had failed my mother, I thought. I fought hospitals and nursing homes as my mother was healed of a quite serious condition to only be slowly murdered by the medical institutions who took her over for rehabilitation. I had taken her out of a nursing home previously after knee surgery and she was sent to one for rehabilitation but they never would start her on the therapy. When I complained, someone not qualified, hurt her knee making her use it and Mom begged me to not say anything more.

She naturally felt a prisoner and was afraid. I took her out and brought her home with her sworn promise to do her exercises and she did. She was so happy to be home with me and it was just the two of us going on with a plan for our life. For weeks every time Mom saw me she would be up on her toes strengthening those legs. Like saying please don't send me back.

It was a few years later I found out she had been to the ER of the local hospital while she was in that nursing home with chest pain and neither that hospital nor the nursing home notified me of it, ever, her medical and financial POA.

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What Might Have Been

We got about another year together until she fell, leaving a blood clot on her brain caused by the blood thinner she was on. It was touch and go for days that felt like weeks and now she must go to another nursing home for rehab and this time she was bed bound and I could not bring her home. I would just have to watch over her. We had hardly gotten her settled in than they wanted to put a feeding tube in. She had had one at the hospital because she had for the most part been tied down and fighting one seizure type something after another from not being on blood thinners and her veins were so non-existent they had to go through a main artery for all her medications anyway.

I said no and I was there every day to make sure she ate and I am pretty sure when I wasn't that she didn't eat but that was rare. I could not let a day go by and not go see her but neither could I be there for every meal. The feeding tube was solely to keep anyone from having to do that job, I knew. Mom still loved food and always begged for chocolate pudding and never got it unless I brought it to her.

How many times I would show up and if there as any it was vanilla or anything else. I wondered if there was a chocolate pudding shortage or what? She was so thin and pitiful (under 100 pounds), did they have no feelings for anyone?


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The Nightmare Grew Worse

They never gave her therapy although they claimed it was always when I wasn't there. I made them stand her up and walk her one day. I could see it was too late and she would never walk again. Although they held all her weight and had her move her feet trying to convince me she was walking. Her feet were twisted and frozen.

A couple of more incidents I haven't the heart to go into made me decide I would bring her home no matter what. They sent her home with pneumonia.

To make a miserable long story short this was not my mom's last nursing home and her treatment gets worse and worse. She suffered miserably for two years before succumbing to the neglect and abuse. Of course there is no law against it. It is what they do, to many. I hear now they are much better (in the last few years?) but I think I would keep a very sharp eye on anyone in one of those places. It is really hospitals too, covering for these nursing homes and it is all about money. I will never trust them. I witnessed too much for too long.

This poem though was for Mom soon after she passed away and me knowing she was calling my name every minute as she had begun to do on about the third nursing home.

For the many here I have talked with I know this poem speaks to your hearts too for the love of your mothers whether they have passed yet or not. That love is always the same. It never dims.

Elderly parents.

Have you experienced anything like this with either of your parents?

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The First of December

A Poem

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All my life that I can remember this was a most special day

In honor and love for you I never would even put up a tree

Do any decoration for my house or outside for Christmas

Because this was your day and it would always and forever be


I would look long and hard for a present that took thought

Showing it really meant something special from me to you

Not just something I randomly would choose in passing

As many people as a duty, not really giving thought would do


As a child I would make something, too young to have money

As I got older I could have time to plan and save what I could

I had more joy in the giving I think I realized after some years

Than you did in what I would come up for you that was so good


Out of all the ones who should have cared for you as much as me

I was the only one who would never once forget to remember

This was your day out of all the other days of the entire year

This was the very most special day, the very first one of December


My life is not so unlike yours wanting only good for those I love

I fight for happiness as you did but you were born with that gift

To sing and whistle, in spite of life’s troubles brought your way

To grab that star and the sunshine to give you that needed lift



I will never have your spirit or knack to make it through smiling

When all that can go wrong usually does in every single way

That despite the love you handed out to so many for years

Not one of them had the appreciation of you or the love to repay


You expected little or nothing from anyone having learned

Not to expect little or nothing from anyone in any way

I saw that side of you, so you were protected from the pain

Just know that with the tears pouring down I can truly say


I now know your pain and your reasons to block life out

Going into a world of your own to lose yourself at the end

Where even the pain in your own body was never yours

You moved out and left it for the demons who came in


They could not hurt you anymore, no never in this life again

I can see so much I never saw before how you shut off the pain

You left your shell of misery rather than watch who claimed love

To cause your heart, your soul and body you lived in, to go insane


Before I lose all sense of things of the now, and also of the morrow

Just let me once more in this life, before I forget to remember

To know, as long as my mind has an ounce of power to say to you

I will always, as long as I live and breathe, not forget the first of December

Happy Birthday Mommy

Get Me Through December

Allyson Kraus

Source

Very beautiful

© 2017 Jackie Lynnley

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  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 9 days ago from The Beautiful South

    I thank you Michael, still wishing I could have changed how it all ended. Blessings to you too. Peace, always.

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    Michael Milec 9 days ago

    Jackie yes we are human OK. Human with a heart occupied by love of Jesus Christ. It makes a humongous difference. All we do, do our best as unto the Lord, and as you have done your best you could meeting needs of your mom, those deeds are categorized as p e r f e c t.

    Blessings an peace.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 10 days ago from The Beautiful South

    I believe Ven that she did know how much I loved her. I hope so. Thanks so much for stopping by.

  • Venkatachari M profile image

    Venkatachari M 10 days ago from Hyderabad, India

    A very nice tribute to your beloved mother. I am very sorry for all that she had to undergo at those hospitals and nursing homes. I also fear those nursing homes due to such mentalities of some of those irresponsible staff.

    This poem and article show how you love your mother and are missing her now. Your mother in heaven will be very much proud of you.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 10 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Michael you make me smile just seeing your name. Just sharing our Lord and savior is enough for that. I deserve no praise and God, knowing how much I loved her, knows I still was far from perfect. I think back often of what I should have done but I know we all do. We are just human.

    Thank you dear friend for stopping by to read my wonderful mother's story and my poem for her.

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    Michael Milec 10 days ago

    Oh Jackie you have outlived your potential experiencing unique love in actions. More then congratulations, God bless you. Now what next for yourself is to give glory to God for all days together with your mom. At the end you have obtain a treasure of memories many of us were deprived of. You have done your best as a radiant example.

    Peace with us.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Yes they do Peggy and I am sure we can't even imagine the nightmares that go on. Really there should be a group that guard these places for us and I know anyone who love their parents would contribute and with so many contributing it could not be too big of a fee. I so wish someone would do that. Like guardian angels?

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Love and blessings back to you Rasma. We do recover from our lose but it is hard to ever be without them, isn't it?

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Thanks so much Bill, I really appreciate you following my works!

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Than you BAB, for the kind words. Welcome to HP.

  • Peggy W profile image

    Peggy Woods 11 days ago from Houston, Texas

    What a painful time you endured along with your mother in her last years. It is obvious that you did all you could for her and she knew that. Hopefully the pain of losing her in those circumstances has lessened somewhat. It takes time. I know! My dear mother has been gone almost 8 years now.

    People really do need someone to look out for them if they end up in nursing homes.

  • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

    Gypsy Rose Lee 11 days ago from Riga, Latvia

    What a wonderful and lovely poem full of love. Sorry your mom had to go through all of that before she passed on. Of course we know our moms never leave us they stay around to watch over us and are always nearby. Much love and blessings to you.

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    William Kovacic 11 days ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

    Touching with a bit of sadness, but beautiful, Jackie. It's what I've come to expect from you.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Thank you Eric and it is great you comparing the two, for both are so innocent and deserve better.

  • Ericdierker profile image

    Eric Dierker 11 days ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

    This reminds me that geriatric patients and young school children suffer from a institutionalized apathy. It is just so sad. So if we are good we do as you have done and step up and provide the loving care that is needed. I would hope that as in your case it brings us all together to weather a storm together.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    I am so sorry Rachel. I know that did have to be so very hard on you going through this and then the battle lost.

    It happened to a sister-in-law of mine that I loved like a sister and as bad as that hurt I can only imagine if it were my mom. She did go through cancer too but they got it all and no treatment was needed so it was so ironic she was not lucky elsewhere.

    Thanks so much for reading and caring, friend.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Glad to hear it Nikki and that you are so very lucky. You are blessed.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Thank you Linda, I was very close to my mom and did love her more than anyone in the world. I think we are most that way, just like the wild animals of the world..there is no one like the one who takes care of us so many years and there to dry our tears.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 11 days ago from The Beautiful South

    I agree Ann, when it comes to mothers I know most of us do.

  • Rachel L Alba profile image

    Rachel L Alba 11 days ago from Every Day Cooking and Baking

    Hi Jackie, What a heartbreak! I had experiences with my mother who died full of cancer only a few years older than I am now and my mother in law who died in her 90's in the hospital after a fall. My mother went through a year of radiation and then a year of chemotherapy. I went with her and my father through all of it. I remember how she suffered. I loved my mother too, so I know how you feel. You may not see her but her spirit is still with you, loving you too. I hope you can take comfort in that. Your poem was very touching too.

    Many blessings to you.

  • nikkikhan10 profile image

    Nikki Khan 12 days ago from London

    Thanks Jackie,,my daughter brought me a cake saying "happy birthday Mum" on it.Enjoyed the moment so much.Kids are such a blessing,,you are nothing without them.

  • AliciaC profile image

    Linda Crampton 12 days ago from British Columbia, Canada

    This is a very moving article, Jackie. It's filled with love for your mother. You did some wonderful things for her. Best wishes to you.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Thank you Kari, Mom would be very pleased!

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Thank you RM. I know that is true but it does not help the bad feelings that you have let someone down even if there is no guilt. Remorse I guess is a big thing.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    We have to overcome all these things don't we Bill, no matter what life throws at us. It is bad though when we cannot protect those who cannot look after themselves ad depending on us. Believe me when I say I did all I could. This one will only be made right in the next life, unless what comes around goes around, if you know what I mean.

  • annart profile image

    Ann Carr 12 days ago from SW England

    The good memories have to win out, Jackie, otherwise we would despair. Good thoughts of loved ones are strong enough that they outshine and block out any others, than God.

    Ann

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Ann, my mom did know she had me and she told everyone this most of the years of her life and she did call my name even when she did not know me anymore. I am so happy about that.

    I am sorry you had to experienced this with a nurse stealing money. With my mom I am sad to say she had more to fear there from her family until they knew they had all there was to take. Then she never saw them again.

    Bad memories for both of us I know, hopefully all the good ones win out.

    Thanks so much for sharing about your mom, too.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Sorry you went through much of this too, it just isn't right and it does make us feel so helpless when no one will help us.

    Happy Birthday Nikki! Hope you get a very memorable surprise!

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    Thank you Patricia, I recall I have read and commented on yours but it would be a great time to take another look. If this wasn't a poem to my mother and enough bad said I could have written a horror story of what all happened to my mom and I am sure I did not know the half of it.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image
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    Jackie Lynnley 12 days ago from The Beautiful South

    I cannot say how thrilled I am so many of you have shown up so quickly with such heart wrenching and heartwarming remarks about this problem I feel sure is still in existence. Being the 1st I just posted it quickly to get it in before a 7 am doctor appointment so if any noticed typos I will be editing as soon as possible but not before getting a reply to everyone. I appreciate you so much!! I cannot say I have ever had such a circle of friends I think so much of.

    I love you!

  • PegCole17 profile image

    Peg Cole 12 days ago from Dallas, Texas

    What a heart-wrenching experience for both your mother and you, to watch over her and see the abuse and neglect from careless caregivers. Yes, I have experienced a lot of these types of situations with my dear mother and her sister who spent the last three and a half years in a nursing home. You can't be there 24/7 and it seems that the staff knows that.

    My heart goes out to you on the loss of your mother. You clearly cared deeply for her and did everything you could. God Bless.

  • abwilliams profile image

    A B Williams 12 days ago from Central Florida

    Thanks for sharing this Jackie. Such a sad series of events, but the love you shared, shines through.

  • k@ri profile image

    Kari Poulsen 12 days ago from Ohio

    This poem sent shivers down my spine. Happy Birthday to your Mom!

  • RoadMonkey profile image

    RoadMonkey 12 days ago

    So sad, we try to do our best but we cannot be there every minute. Lovely poem.

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 12 days ago from Olympia, WA

    I'm so very sorry, Jackie. You must have felt tremendous frustration, guilt, and anger...not to mention sorrow...for all of the things not done during that tragedy. Hopefully time will continue to heal your wounds.

  • annart profile image

    Ann Carr 12 days ago from SW England

    Your poem is beautiful and your whole story made me cry, Jackie. It's terrible how this happens in places that are supposed to care; the same thing happens in Britain of course.

    I realised my Mum was afraid of one of her visiting carers when she was in warden accommodation (own flat but others to keep an eye out). I sorted it out, fortunately, and made sure that the nurse never came near my mother again. I'm sure she was taking money but couldn't prove it.

    Our mothers give us so much; they don't deserve such treatment, no one does.

    Painful memories, aren't they? At least you know she's at peace now and that she knew she had a loving daughter.

    The 1st Dec means something totally different to me, happily - it's my elder daughter's birthday!

    Ann

  • nikkikhan10 profile image

    Nikki Khan 12 days ago from London

    An amazing poem,felt so sorry for your mother,reminded me of my mother's experience of going through hospital visits and medication,she tried her best to get well,but I think death was somewhere lurking behind,so she couldn't survive longer.She died in June too but was last year,so my emotions of being separated from her are bit relieved now.

    But still,I feel she is with me all the time and will be always by my side.

    1st December is a special day of course,as its my birthday today,much excited for tonight as my daughter is preparing a surprise,so let's what it is.

  • pstraubie48 profile image

    Patricia Scott 12 days ago from sunny Florida

    You did what you could...too many times folks take their families to nursing homes (and I know this what not the case with you) and leave them. I have written about this very topic on hubpages....but that is another story. You did not fail...you tried and no doubt you made a difference as she struggled in his last days on the planet. the poem is so very heartfelt and touching...surely she smiles down on you Jackie....many comforting Angels are on the way to you this morning ps