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My Life My Perception My Truth Part 1

The Beginning

All I can tell you about the beginning is what I was told. I know that my parents were young when they married and that they tried for several years to have a child and I was the only result of their efforts. My parents are two very different yet similar individuals. I suppose what bonded them for the most part is that they were both young Jehovah's Witnesses. They were both very interested in where they fit in god's plan and definitely did do everything, they could to share what they had learned and excited to learn more. My father was what they called an Elder. He prepared service materials and sermons for the Kingdom Hall and bible study groups. My mother was what they called a pioneer. Which for all intents and purposes meant that she dedicated forty plus hours a week going door to door trying to persuade nonmembers to become members. I must say though they both seemed to love what they were doing.

My parents however came to what I can only call an impasse. My father ended up being unfaithful to my mother. When this happened because they were Jehovah's Witnesses one of their main rules is... Thou shall not commit Adultery and due to that fact, my father was shunned from the congregation and well that was the beginning of the end of my little family unit. I remember my mother crying because she wanted her husband to come home and I watched a church full of people tell my mother that my father was evil and worldly and thusly had no place in her life or their church. I still fail to see how they should have had any baring in that decision but she gave them the power. I know that my father tried to work through whatever they asked him to do as some form of penance but none the less it was not meant for him to be a part of their so-called Christian church.

My father then embarked upon the next chapter of his life in Texas with his new bride and I mine with my mother in California. My mother she ended up experiencing continued loss for the next couple of years. My father had left and my grandmother and grandfather passed away within a very short period of time. What this caused was a break in an already beautiful but very fragile soul. My mom was always a little different than the other mom's I knew. She was definitely more open and we did a lot of things on a purely spirit of the moment vibe but she was beautiful to me. From the day that she lost her mother.... I lost mine as well. My mom was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with bio-polar tendencies. She became extremely delusional, physically violent and couldn't make sense of reality any more. From the eyes of an eight-year-old kid all I could tell you is that she was scared. She cried constantly, wouldn't accept help from anyone. Now her bother did try to get her help and for that I will always be thankful to him and his wife. However, it did fail. She was so paranoid she thought that people were trying to kill her with the very meds the doctor had given her to try to help her. She did everything from losing them on purpose to flushing them down the toilet and no one could convince her to do differently. She started to direct her frustrations and fears and unfortunately, I resembled my father to her and the result of that was her beating me with a water hose amongst other things.

I began to miss school more and more frequently because she didn't want the teachers and school officials to accidently see the bruises that she was leaving on me. She went as far as putting pad locks on the outside of our front and back door and seeing as though we lived in a second story apartment there was truly no way I could get out. It was one of the most confusing times in my life. The person that was there to call for me to help me grow couldn't help herself in even the simplest of ways and well I lost my mother again. This time for a few years. My mother had to be committed. The state found her incapable of raising me and of taking care of herself. My father came back to California and eventually I ended up living with him and my stepmother but it took some time. As a kid I felt that my mother being locked away was my fault. That I was responsible for her pain because I couldn't help us stay together. The truth however was that no one could help her at that moment. There were no words no reasoning that could reach her. The state took my mother and put her in a mental facility. I cant even imagine how that must have felt. Not only did you lose your husband, both of your parents and your only child but you lost yourself in the process.


The Teen Years of The KImbus

I got settled in with my father and step mother when I was in the fifth grade. I didnt fit in from the start. I had moved from Chowchilla to Santa Rosa and well it was completely different from anywhere I had ever been. My mom and I had struggled even just to keep food on the table and these people were rich and had in my eyes...everything. They had clothes that were bought in department stores not that had been made by their mother or from the Goodwill. They drove cars that I had never seen and beautiful huge houses tucked away in the beautiful hills. I started going to church with my father at RCC and at the time as much as I didn't want to admit it. It did truly help to a point.

The problem was I still felt guilty. I was still angry and I did not understand as of yet that what had happened to my mother and why or what had happened to me because of it all. I started to rebel. I decided at that point in my life that I didn't care how my actions affected others and I was stubborn beyond repair. I started smoking weed and that led to drinking and experimenting with other things. I ended up pregnant at sixteen and was a new mom just four months after turning seventeen. Now I did finish High School but it took some time because I had to attend a continuation school because I had a child. My daughter's father and I did not make it very far at all. Although we had been friends for a few years teen parenting whopped out little relationship by the time our child was only three months old.

I ended up working retail mall jobs for about a year until I got a job at good old Taco Bell. It worked for a while and I made one of the best friends that I've ever had but things at home just weren't working anymore. It was time so I thought to get out on my own with my child and I moved from Santa Rosa to Madera, California and started my actual adult life. It hurt to leave. I was in love at the time but his path and mine were just not meant to be. I thought I was doing what was right at the time. Putting space between myself and what I thought was unnecessary drama. What i failed to see was it was adulthood that I was running from and was to immature to see it.


© 2021 Kimberly Webb

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