Still Single Because I'm Scared
Afraid of Fast-Forwarding
When I met my ex, I was 37, desperate for a family, and running out of time. We met online. The single picture on his profile showed him sitting with his son hiking in a slot canyon.
When we met in person, I fell for him instantly. I still remember the way he looked coming around the corner, the grey jacket, his blue eyes and broad shoulders. I loved the way he smelled as we sat at the bar waiting for a table, and later the way we made out in a disgusting manner AT that table.
I ignored that he was living in his friend's basement, that his son's mother was "a crazy drug addict," that he hated his mom, and disliked his brother. I believed him when he said didn't have any friends "because they were not where they should be in life," implying that he was so much more evolved.
When he moved into my house three months after we had met, I thought that finally, I could move forward and have a family. We talked about having our own children, and getting married. I was pregnant at month five (unintentional), and that is when his true nature came out. By the time I had my son, he was gone most of the nights traveling for "business." He was gambling thousands of dollars away, cheating on me, and ignoring me when he was around. I didn't know that he had been doing all of those things, but when I found out, I told him to leave. He was gone with all of his things in less than twelve hours.
I was a single mom with an infant. I struggled, but overall, I was okay with a good job, my own home, and the child I'd always wanted. Dating proved to be challenging. I tried several times but never had the time to make it work.
Three years later, I am dating again. I met a man who is very interested in me. He's nice, has a job, a car, he's cute, calm, has a labrador. And I am afraid. Afraid to let him close, to make plans, to see me anywhere near him long term. I am afraid of doing the same thing again and am sabotaging any chance with him with crazy crying fits, and attempted break-ups. But he is sticking around, intrigued with my honesty, and my fear. I think he wants to tame me, and enjoys the challenge. He says he just really likes me and wants to know me better.
I have done a lot of work on myself in the three years of being single. I have learned that I typically fast-forward relationships. Natalie from www.Baggagereclaim.co.uk defines it as "a technique where someone sweeps you up in a tide of intensity when they’re pursuing you and you’re dating them that you end up missing crucial red flags." So yeah, that was me with my ex.
I am searching for a way to do the very opposite of this, which is hindering the chance of developing a true relationship with this new man. I will have to keep being honest with him, and hope that if it is the real thing, when I stop running, he will stay.