Positivity and Some Information About Bullying
Just be positive as much as you can..even through a wee bit of anger
Every blogger has a style. I feel this one is more like a letter. So, hello you can call me petter. That's not my real name, but I promised my mom I won't write my real name. I am petter, well because, I love animals. This is crucial in my life. Let's dive into the topic I want to talk about, shall we? My blogs are going to be about being positive and mental/emotional health. I think eventhough we have made many science breakthrough, no matter how rich, smart, or poor you are, mental health can come and attack you. So here it is: My past was not always great.
However, I chose to be positive today regardless. Past is past, but I am going to talk about it to help those who suffered like I did. My main topic today is bullying. Yes, I was bullied from the age of seven. Back then, it was at school, and today it is in the real world. Let me outline my story.
At the age of Six, I was at a very good school. I was at Maryville Public School. Don't worry, I wasn't bullied there, in fact that was the best school year in my life. I had two close friends, and well, the whole class was my friends I later found out.
One day a boy went up to the teacher and told her about his concern. It had something to do with not having enough friends. The teacher, I believe was a student teacher, asked the whole class who was his friend. Everybody put up their hands. I wanted the same attention and love, so I faked the same concern to the teacher the next day. I acted as though I was sad I didn't have friends, when in reality I just wanted to know how many people loved me. A cunning six year old I was, indeed. Once again, the teacher asked the whole class who were my friends. Once again, everybody put their hands up. The attention felt awesome! The best part of grade one was that my teacher had a similar name as I did and she was fantastic. I still remember her name at the age of 28--her name was Ms. Amjad.
We didn't live in a great apartment, for there were rodents. So, we decided to move to North York, which basically initiated hell for me. June 1996, I went to my new school. I don't know if I should mention the name so I will just call it FM public school. I was still in grade one, and it was fine for me. I remember watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. It was only one month and it flew by. Grade two, immediately a girl did not like me. She told the whole class I had "koodies." Everyone called me ugly, fat, and sometimes chased me in recess calling me a show off. Oh that episode of being chased around. This other girl warned me that the chasing will continue. I was sad because there was a subsititute teacher that day, and my real teacher never knew what happened. Though I was feeling hopeless I still told the substitute teacher. She talked to the gang leader and me at a table, and surprisingly that chasing stopped. However, bullying completely didn't. I was never physically beaten, as you hear horrific bullying stories, thank God. However, I was isolated. I hated recess, and actually liked detention? I rather stay in class with someone rather than standing beside the window alone outside. I would let my imagination get the best of me though. I was only seven so I would imagine these small brown nasty potatoes after me. And I would walk away being alone. I was the only child at home at that time too. So, I was alone at school and at home, which was hard.
However, November 1996, my mom was pregnant with my little brother. I was happy I finally was going to have a friend to play with. At the time we went on a school trip and my mom volunteered to help out. I didn't want her to because I knew the consequences wouldn't be so great. Just like I dreaded, it was not fun. We were walking in the cold and all the kids were saying they didn't want to be in my mother's group because she was my mother. What is worse than getting bullied, is hearing insults about your parents. Mom was pretty oblivious to that though, thank god. They were forced to be in my mom's group, but all the while they were telling me how they didn't want to be in my mother's group because I was her daughter. Time went on.
Grade two to Grade six, I tried being friends with the new kids. However, the older bullies made it clear they wouldn't be cool if they were my friends. So, as soon as they learned english, they would bully me and leave me instead. I remember one new kid, told me in broken English that I must listen to my partner, since she was forced to be with me. I didn't know what to do. I had trouble with academics too. As I still do, I would often zone out while the teacher was teaching. Why would I want to listen? I was not happy to be wanting to concentrate to what the teacher was saying. I was my only friend, so I was always absorbed in my own thoughts. I had trouble with organization too. I would complete my homework and I would lose my homework too. So, my grades were very bad. To make it worse, we sometimes got marked on how 'neat' our writing was. No teacher liked my writing.
So, they decided in Grade six, to put me into Special Education with students who bullied me. I remember one girl came along and that was the girl who was new in grade 4. She just came up to me and said "You're Ugly." That's it and she left. So yes, Grade seven in special education was torture too. Funny part is they were bullying our teacher too. Fortunately or unfortunately it was in another Junior High School where not most of my elementary school students went to.
Some magic happend in Grade eight though. That girl somehow felt bad for me and stopped bullying me. There were still a lot of fights and mean people in the school, but because I was in a small class in Grade 7, I would be confident enough to ask questions about information I didn't catch. My grades sky-rocketed, I got out of special Education. I met a friend who was also very smart and motivated me to study hard in Science too. In high school, I had friends because I was 'smart.' I felt smart, and I had friends for that reason. Sadly, I did not think I had friends for my beauty. I thought, " you should either be smart or beautiful to be 'cool.'" At that time, my grades and my advanced program made me popular. However, I failed math, didn't go to University right away, but it didn't matter though. It was just I re took math and passed with an 85% a little late. That didn't matter because everyone who took math in our school failed it the first time. They just took it early so they can re-take it before graduation, and I took it late the first time, so I had to re-take it in summer school.
However, staying home not doing nothing really took a toll on me. I should have heeded my mother's words and went to study in high school though I graduated, but my ego was getting the best of me. I felt isolated because people stopped talking to me once again. It was FM starting all over again. So, I am in University, after getting dumb from the year off I took. I no longer had the marks, or the intelligence that took me into the lime light. I never had the beauty in my mind, so what did I have left? Nothing. I felt isolated. I had no friends. It was a new community and, yes, first year my neighbours bullied me. Second year, I tried to fit in a group but because of my glasses I felt ugly. I was doing pretty well in school, but that summer I went through isolation because I wasn't at school and my parents moved to a new town where there was less bus service.
I was away from my hometown friends and there was a lot of cyber bullying taking place..well someone was hacking and it was beginning to get on my nerves. Then, it all happened fast. I freaked out one day, and that night I hallucinated. Now, I deal with Schizophrenia. Mom thinks it is because of being bullied. I don't know..I feel happy now, but I hallucinate. Therefore it feels like someone just did some voodoo on me and I hallucinate because of that. I don't feel like my bullying caused this because the illness feels so far from my emotions. It is just there. Whether I am happy, angry, or sad, it's always there.
When I am at work, I felt hurt by people telling me I was slow. They weren't my boss but they were always threatening me that I would get fired. Once again, I am isolated. Isolation should be my middle name, because it feels like that is all I know. I hate bullying. In all honesty it is stupit. However, what I hate is when a boy calls a girl a whore. That is bullying too! Why do you enjoy sex with a girl if you don't like her hormonal? It doesn't make sense to me. Find a partner you won't have a problem with and won't feel the need to bully... it just doesn't make sense to me.
I haven't had a boyfriend, so I did not have that problem. However, the voice I hallucinate bullied me a lot. I hear someone calling me a whore on the phone, but I think that's real and someone is tapping in the phone line. Why do I think that? Because I use social media a lot and don't give a fuck if anyone taps or hacks anymore. Who cares?
Life is about being positive. I am out of school, and I feel I hate not working, but I feel like I have more time for self therapy. More specifically, dog therapy. I was so isolated that my dog's friendship made me hate meat. I love my dog. Animals. Sometimes, that's all the positivity you need in this chaotic human world we are living in. I actually feel bad for those who have no pets. Even if you are rich, man if you don't have a pet, there will be a sadness in your life. This is because you are not living the world. You are living the world of humans only. Trust me we are the craziest species, so one ought to be sad if they live in the part of the world that only had humans. Thank you God. Thank you for animals. They are truly beautiful. inside and out. I hope I work in research and with animals one day. That's how much I love animals and research...my only two passions.
I don't hate humans though. Even if I have one friend I would cherish him or her. I have one other friend which is okay. I think I will be positive. Love your pets. Admire nature: The snow, the trees, the plants, the grass, the flower, even air. Air, isn't it amazing it never stops flowing? That is how much nature wants you to live. So, be positive. I am writing because I was sad though I didn't have a job. Another positivity! I CAN WRITE FOR NOW!
Mother told me to mention something else about bullying. This is her two cents: Teachers shouldn't only focus on the academics. For example, they are so focused on exams such as the literacy exam, but they don't realize that if a student is bullied, they won't be able to excel to their best capabilities. Something does have to change in the system.
So that's all for now folks! Remember to be positive! Time is cooking and you want every minute spent smiling!