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My Life My Perception My Truth Part 2

Adulthood.. Or Something Like It

October 31st was the Day I left. Yes, Halloween. The Day before was emotional I had said goodbye to a best friend, protector and my support system. All because I had to prove that I was an adult. I was scared being on my own but i was the one that had made the decision. I now felt like I had messed up things at home with my father and stepmother. I wasn't listening to what they were trying to teach me. I was hanging out with the wrong people, not coming home and doing drugs. In reality they loved me and probably already knew just from knowing me that I was going to have to learn things my own way but there were parts of me that wished they had told me that I couldn't go maybe tried to pull the parent card one last time and honestly maybe my father did in his own way but none the less there I was in the arm pit of California with a kid under one year old.

At this point my mother was doing a little better and had made it back out on her own pretty much. I was proud of her. She was taking her meds and honestly at that time I needed my mother. I needed her to teach me how to be a mother. At least that's what I thought at the time. My mom was ecstatic to have her first granddaughter and I living close to her. So much so she used to come by our apartment in the morning just to visit and make us breakfast. She was going to counseling and a day treatment program. It was nice to see her doing so well after so long. She was different but still better than I remembered.

Believe it or not I really did have a plan to get up on me feet. I still wanted to go to college and I wanted to provide for my daughter and I. The reality was not what I had planned. The only job I could get was fast food and bills were real. Until now I only had to contribute to rent and bills and pay for my daughters' daycare. This was so much harder. To make it worse I hadn't grown up yet I still wanted to have fun and party. I wanted to be like everyone else that was my age. I ended up barely making ends meet, started smoking weed again and drinking. For a while my mother had my child more than I did.

My choices and lack of dealing with my issues had started to make themselves apparent in my life and how I dealt with my mother and child. To make it worse in reality I probably could have talked with my father and he probably would have allowed us to return home to try again but I was too proud, too stubborn and too immature to admit I had made a bad decision. Instead, I ran with it. I dropped the friends that I had made and married an old boyfriend from my childhood that honestly, I barely knew. This led to a twenty-year marriage full of distrust, him being an alcoholic and an abuser both mentally and physically. I tried to convince myself for years that I had to make it work because I still felt that if my own parents had made it that my life would have been different. I accepted everything. Even things that broke me as a woman.

I had my son about a year after getting married. At the time I was over joyed. I thought that having my son would somehow help us grow stronger but again it was too much. He cheated and had another child and then another. I still tried to do what I thought was right. In reality it felt like the person that I was supposed to trust the most was trying to erase everything that I loved. I felt like I had to fight not even for happiness anymore but just to breathe somedays.

Learning How to Breathe

Everything that I thought I knew to be real seemed fake. I tried to figure out for myself where I had gone wrong. What was I missing in my life or in myself that was making things so much more complicated? Had I done something that karma was making me pay for? The answer strangely enough and much to my dismay was that I had done nothing. I had just not been able to see the truth. I was blinded my dreams of a life that I thought that I had been creating. I never realized at that point in my life that the others that you choose to try to build with would derail every positive plan I had simply based on the fact that we were at different points in our lives and our values were completely different.

I wasn't paying for my own issues I was paying for the lack of another person's ability to be real to be truthful. I stopped trusting people as a whole from this point forward. What was the point? I no longer had the wanting to be around anyone at moment not even my kids. Everything seemed like it was falling apart. I had to learn for myself that others didn't matter that at the end of the day if I wasn't okay no one else would be that was dependent upon me. I went back to school and =tried to find other ways to support my family. I was trying to find a way that would hopefully lead me to some sort of actual purpose. I quickly learned that purpose can't be found it finds you when you are ready to make real sacrifices. Sacrifices that would make every other one that you had made before seem non existent.

© 2021 Kimberly Webb