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Losing Her Has Never Been That Easy

Dang is an avionics maintenance specialist by profession, a woman of strength and passion.


Losing Her Has Never Been That Easy

Most protagonist in fairytale stories were either motherless or fatherless and sometimes completely orphaned. Why is it so? I have read different reviews and heard a lot of comments regarding this. They say, this is part of developing the strength and effectiveness of the characters, which I agree. Having no parents is already a struggle and it strongly adds to the emotions and spice that made us moved so much by the story.

It was the last week of October when my mom was confined to a hospital because of severe asthma and throat problem for few days. She was about to be discharged that morning of November 1st but unfortunately, she had a cardiac arrest around 3 am. It was that moment when I experienced being terrified calling the doctors and nurses just to come quick. Seeing everything was torture. The doctors had a hard time reviving her until she stabilized, but in a state of coma. That was the longest breath-taking and painful minutes of my life, seeing my mom being revived between the chances of life and death. I was like being stabbed in the heart many times and feels like dying too. It was the first time I also saw the two great men of my life in tears and that broke me even more. She was supposed to be in the ICU, but in that case, we cannot come near her. So, we got her a private room with all apparatus set for her condition. And we stayed with her, waiting for her to wake up.

Everything is still fresh in my memory. The days I spent in the hospital, seeing my mom having a lot of tubes and connected to different machines. I am always afraid of the chances that she might leave us soon. Everything was horrible. Third day, the doctor frankly told us that mom’s brain was already declared dead. And what’s keeping her alive was just a respirator. He also gives us choices of either continuing the machines to make her breathe and wait for a miracle, or just be practical to stop and accept that there was a very minimal chance that she might live, so we’ll just end it. Those were both very painful options. We were trying not to believe in him because he was not a god to know the fate of a human. It was the first time I felt the pain that reality could give me, and it was so excruciating. We decided to continue and hope for a miracle to happen. I remember myself watching over her urine bag if it will get full so quick because of what people say that a dying person will pee a lot before its end. I was in total fear. We always talk to her even though she cannot talk back. They said that a person in coma can still hear voices, so we often do it. Sometimes, while we were talking to her, there were tears accumulating on the sides of her eyes, I really hoped she heard everything.

"The mother loves her child most divinely, not when she surrounds him with comfort and anticipates his wants but when she resolutely holds him to the highest standards and is content with nothing less than his best.”
-Hamilton W. Mabie

In the night of her 4th day in coma, my dad decided to send me and my brother home so we can rest for the night and attend our school the next day, the first day of the 2ndsemester. He told us to wait at home for he also decided to bring mom home that very next day, together with the machines connected to her, so that we can still see and take good care of her even after school. Everything was set at home, that Monday morning and we are just waiting for them to come. But a sad news made me broke down in tears as my dad tells us through the phone that mom had the flat line in her monitor, meaning she already left and never waited to be home. People say that my mom just didn’t want us to have a hard time attending her in that condition, that’s how she loves us so much. Partly, I accepted the fact that she was not going through pains anymore, but there was a part of me that say she will never be a burden for me if she just gave us a chance to take good care of her until she wake up. But that’s life, I can’t do anything but to accept the fact that she was already gone after that five days she was in comatose.

“My mother is a never-ending song in my heart of comfort, happiness and being. I may sometimes forget the words, but I always remember the tune.”

- Graycie Harmon

It was very unexpected and that leave me being unprepared. I completely have no idea how my life will be after that. I was anxious of the responsibilities and changes because of being used to a home with complete family, filled with love, support and laughter. I worried about my father and my brother if how can they handle this great tragedy of losing a vital part of our family. So, I made myself a promise, that I will be strong enough not to add on their pain and I will always protect them. I am woman, but I know I can, for the important people in my life. It was hard to bear the idea of not being the same anymore. No more eating dinner together, even sharing how our day was, making jokes and bond together as a whole family, going home after school reaching my mom. They were simple yet precious moments that I am grateful enough to have experienced. My parents usually tell us their love story, making fun of each other and it was where you can see how magical a true love can be, that whatever challenges that came to our family, they are still bound by love and inspired to keep going. They never fail to show us how to be great in love. To be honest, I never saw my mother being sad because of my dad. And I am so thankful that she became happy until she passed. They are the examples of the love I wanted to have in my life. Our family that was never perfect but rich in love and support for each other no matter what. These are just few things that I never wanted to forget in my life. Teaching me lessons that are more important in dealing how to live.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
Anne Lamott

There were no days that I never missed her. When I’m happy, sad, tired, sick or even hurting, I really wished to come home and have a hug of a mother to show my emotions or comfort me. It was hard when you get used to having a mom as you grow up knowing she was always there for you. The truth is, no matter how long it has been, there are times that you will feel your heart aching and longing for the loss of a special person in your life. It was never healed, it remains broken. But we are just getting more stronger to bear it and continue our lives normally. Important persons always leave permanent footprints in our hearts.

Losing my mom has been one of the saddest realities I had to face at a very young age. But I can say, it made me stronger and more responsible. This is the reason why I agree with the writers of those fairytales how being a motherless can make a character more powerful. And I consider myself as a living evidence.


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