Life After Addie: An Introduction

Updated on July 15, 2019
Heather Payne Allard profile image

Terribly flawed mom who has battled addiction and mental illness for over 25 years. Until 2018 this mother felt she had no purpose in life.

Diagnosis of a Terminally Ill Child

Imagine Sicily 1863....

Okay, maybe you’re right- I’ll never be as interesting and or as wise as Sophia from the Golden Girls. But I would like to think that maybe at someday in this lifetime that I am able to leave my footprint on this delicate earth with a good message. I believe I have a story. I just hope I can portray it so that it is a good one. I must admit my writing may not be perfect and my punctuation may be out of sorts sometime, but I promise to always put my heart into what I write to you.

I am no one special in the great span of things. I am one in four people who suffer from mental illness. Mine being bi-polar with a dual diagnosis of addiction. My favorite drugs of choice cocaine and alcohol. For years I have denied being bi-polar and most recently have experienced a short relapse of both and now I write to keep my mind, heart and hands busy. Because as we know, the devil makes work for idle hands. And quite frankly, I don’t have time for the devil’s work these days.

self-pres·er·va·tion

  1. the protection of oneself from harm or death, especially regarded as a basic instinct in human beings and animals.

Ahhh, yes. There it is, the biggest reason for why I relapsed. Survival mode. Because I go into this mode where I want to check out and numb to protect myself. You see, I’ve been through a lot of crap throughout the years. I could go through all the heart break of my childhood (ugh), my teenage years (boring- yeah right), my twenties (lord...), thirties (meh- a little closer), but what I want to talk about is my sunshine- my pride- my MID-thirties. The reason why I want to burst through this and be a beacon of hope for anyone in this lifetime to push through life.

If I can get through this shit show and pardon my language because sometimes- it really just truly is. This would be my reason.

Anyway, just a short blip about me I was born in 1980 and never felt the need for children until my biological clock loudly began clanging at 34. Then came my significant other at 34 and shortly after we had our son at 35 and la dee da. Our son was absolutely wonderful. Blond, blue eyed, and I knew that some day I would be on the porch with a shot gun, asking little girls what their intentions were with my son. I knew about girl’s intentions....

Fast forward to Christmas 2017 and our lives forever would be changed (and I hope yours if you stay on for for the journey). My then husband, my now ex- if you can grasp that- received the most exciting news. We were blessed to be pregnant for the Christmas Season and were expecting a baby in August 2018. The fit I threw! Just knowing I was going to be nine months pregnant, in the damn Kansas heat.

You may as well just lock me in a freezer with bon bons or send me to Antartica, Greenland, Alaska, anywhere but hell in Kansas... just saying.

Now, being that I was age old (38)- I got to have special old lady pregnancy testing. So we did a quad screen (genetic abnormality testing- so you can probably guess where this is going). Anyways, I was so excited because at twelve weeks I would finally get to know if we were going to be having a boy or a girl. What was even more exciting was I would know our baby’s sex on Valentine’s Day and I was so excited to be planning our reveal! I never expected that my world would be turned upside down. But I never expected it to be turned right side up either.

Valentine’s Day 2018. A day I will never forget. Three O’clock. Beaming, busting at the seams. Then bam. If you can imagine the most empty, lifeless feeling in your life, that was how I felt as the doctor uttered the words to me. “Heather we got your quad screen back and it was not good”. Tears filled her eyes and I know I looked at her crazy because I had a perfectly healthy baby boy expecting to be a big brother, so this can’t be possibly happening. “Your baby has Trisomy 18, a triplicate of the 18 chromosome and it is nearly always fatal either before birth or shortly after- the results are over 99% accurate”. Still not hearing what she was saying or even believing it- I asked what the sex was.... “It’s a girl.” It was in that moment, that I never wanted a little girl more in my in my life.

You see I always feared having a little girl. But suddenly, when something like this happens like this, you find things like that, no longer matter- you suddenly realize that a little girl is perfectly fine. You make bargains with God as if it would make a difference. But His work and will, had already been done.

So this is our journey. The journey of God, Me, and Addie. I never considered myself a spiritual or Godly woman until all of this, but I invite you to join me in this journey. Because although it has been painful, it has been worth it. And I so desperately want to share our story with you.

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