This time of year may never get easier for me, I always went all out on Mila’s birthdays. I still do my best to make them special now.
Today I ordered your birthday cake. This year it says “Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven, Mila Rose” with princess Belle and a picture your beautiful face surrounded by red roses. I picked out the party plates with you in mind, but If you were here you would’ve picked a theme and we would’ve ran wild with it. I always loved planning your birthday parties, and making them special for you. We would’ve had a photoshoot and invitations sent out. You would be so excited about your friends and family coming to celebrate with you.
I would do anything for that life, the one where you’re still with us. You would be such a good big sister to Gray, he would be crazy about you. You would be so excited to be starting school later this year, you were always so jealous that Sophia’s mommy let her go to school. So excited to grow up and do the big girl things, but now everything is past tense and what could’ve been if you were still here.
It hurts to imagine our life how it would be with you still here, chaos and silliness. Happy. Your big blue eyes and bouncing blonde curls, I miss them and I miss you. My heart aches for the life you were supposed to live, with each birthday that passes the little girl that you were feels farther away from me.
Today I sit at your grave, it’s been a while-it’s been too long. I’ve put it off, blaming it on the weather and your baby brother. But today, I put each Christmas themed item into the trunk of the car and replace it with Valentine’s Day decorations and special things we have all picked out just for you. It’s cold. It seems like it’s always too cold, too hot, raining, or snowing when it’s time to visit the place we laid you to rest. I know that’s my excuse. I know it’s because it hurts the most to go there and accept the evidence, to live my truth, to see your face on that stone.
Sometimes I talk to you out loud, sometimes I’m all business and stay just to clean up and decorate. I do my best, even though the guilt weighs heavy on my heart. It never feels like enough, I could have stayed longer or brought you more decorations or cried for you the way I know I should. But sometimes the tears don’t come, sometimes it takes so much out of me preparing myself to drive that mile across town and get out of my car and make the walk to your spot, that I don’t have any emotion left. I’m sorry for that, because you deserve more. I don’t know if this will ever feel completely real.
Today is your Birthday. This day five years ago I anxiously arrived at the hospital, nineteen years old and 38 weeks pregnant. My epidural didn’t take, and you made your entrance only 6 hours after I was admitted. I was instantly smitten with you, you were like my very own little white-haired baby doll. You were then and always will be so perfect, Mila Rose. My wild child, crazy kid, little ball of energy, oh how I’ve loved you from the start.
So today we will eat cake for you, we will take you balloons and we will visit you and talk about how special you were to all of us. I hope that your birthday in heaven is everything that I wish for you and more. Princesses and smarties suckers and Happy meals and all of the things that you loved so much. My love for you never waivers even for a second, your name is always on my lips, your memory weighs heavy on my heart - always. Happy 5th Birthday my sweet, sweet angel.