Charlene is a mom of 3 (1-angel) and she loves to share her motherhood journey
Unless you have been living in the stone-age, everyone should know what a genie is. Well, if not then let me break it down for you…think Aladdin, you know, the street urchin that finds a dirty lamp and rubs it? A blue apparition aka Genie pops out and grants him three wishes? He then goes on to fight for love and freedom against the evil that is Jaffar… coming back right? Okay, if you need more explanation then a genie is a spirit of Arabian folklore. It is Depicted traditionally as an imprisoned spirit within a lamp and when you rub the lamp, the spirit then allows you wishes. Got it? Great! I am Charlene Gallant and at the ripe ‘old’ age of 39, I have recently come to realise that God is no Genie. Yes, I know that you may think that I am crazy but I’m not (well, sometimes). For me to even think GOD was kinda a genie before should be ludicrous right? But is it really such a sensational statement? I didn’t actually think God was in a lamp or that HE was actually blue but I did believe he granted my wishes and I took the gospel as my guide, "For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."- Matthew 17:20
Basically, that means, I prayed, and stuff happened because thus was my faith in God. I obviously had to stay on the straight and narrow, only then God ‘will make a way when there seemed to be no way’. When bad things happened in my life, I felt I had strayed from the ten commandments (yes sometimes my halo does slip, bite me!) and ‘punishment’ was inevitable because God is Just-ice ( the ‘punishment’ always fits the ‘crime’). Most times I didn’t understand the reasoning because the God we serve is supposed to not judge and love us unconditionally, right? That is what we are taught as Christians and at the same time we think we are untouchable because God is great. BUT it is GOD that is great, and WE are only human. In fact, the more you try to walk the path of righteousness the more you are attacked by the Devil I guess because Gosh does crap always get worse when you are trying you’re best to be a good person. It took one time. Just one, that shattered my whole world. From being a faith-filled person, I became a person full of anger, doubt, and bitterness. HE didn't grant me my wish and now my little boy, my sweet beautiful boy, is gone.
I loved my life just as it was. Yes, I was exhausted most times but Being a mom especially a mom to a cerebral Palsy son, made me feel so special. I felt I had a purpose. A clear purpose in life, that I received with gratitude. I had to look after an angel and what could be more honorary than that.
I am unprepared and ill-equipped to deal with this ache in my heart. This tearing pain that floods me and stays with me from the day Jaden, my eldest son, was taken from me, the day he died: 11th March 2020.
My self-worth was in question as I tossed around the what-ifs surrounding Jaden’s last few days and the guilt ate me up inside. Did I do enough? Did I do something wrong? Did I let my beautiful boy down? Was God angry at me? Was I not good enough? Was I not worthy enough to be a special needs mom anymore? God broke me… How do I process? What do I do now? Without Jaden…Who am I?
Then it is the anger. The terrible searing, burning anger towards God. I have cried till I was weak, and I have cried till my throat hurt. I have screamed and shouted at God: Why God? WHY????? How could YOU do this? Why didn’t you help him? I called out to YOU; didn’t you hear me?? How could YOU make someone so precious and innocent be in so much pain? How could YOU?? How could YOU not grant me my wish? I begged and pleaded…didn’t you hear me call on YOU to help Jaden? Why Lord, how could YOU do this to me??
Then it’s the fear and torment because in the midst of our grief, the global pandemic hit. So now with my faith being knocked off kilter, my mere mortality was never more threatened, and I’m terrified of losing another child or more people I love.
The loss of Jaden and this pandemic, all brings home the fact that there is no such thing as forever just an UNTIL. I’ve fallen into depression, a black hole of self-destruction (I have been here many times so I know) and I’m fighting, the hardest I have EVER fought, to get out of this dark pit again…for my family.
I lost my will to sing after Jaden and everyone who knows me will know the import of that statement. Singing is my all, it was how I communicated with God and how I primarily communicated with Jaden. Losing my desire to sing, indicates the extent of my brokenness and it took months before I sang again. I snapped out of my head one day when I heard my husband playing Jaden’s favourite song (Brain McKnight song-WIN) on the piano. I went to sit next to him and just started singing, tears streaming down my face the whole time. When we were done with the song, my kids were crying on the couch, my husband’s face was wet and we all just hugged each other, weeping for the longest time.
We went to my son, Jaden’s, grave soon after that incident. It was the first time ever since lockdown began and that we were allowed to go. I thought I would feel closer to him when I was near him like that, but I didn't feel him, I cried bitter tears for that. However, I realised that if Jaden really wasn’t here anymore then I hoped with all of my heart that he was in a better place. I hoped that the wheelchair that bound him here on earth would bound him no more and that wherever he was he would be free of pain. That is my hope…my desire.
P.S. here is the link to God is No Genie: Part 1
© 2020 Charlene Gallant