God is No Genie: Part 1 - LetterPile - Writing and Literature
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God is No Genie: Part 1

Charlene is a mom of 3, struggling to come to terms with the loss of her eldest son and fighting to find her faith again.

My beautiful son

My beautiful son

“How could YOU miss me? With my hands in the air

I thought YOU were listening, I thought YOU'd be there!

Where were YOU? When I had no one to turn to…

Where were YOU? When my worst fears were coming true

Where were YOU? I thought YOU'd come to my rescue…” Francesca Battistelli

My whole life centered around my faith, I used to be a prayer warrior welding my spiritual sword boldly and confidently. However, I have come to realize my Genie mentality relationship with God was not exactly infallible. Therefore, no matter how strong I thought I was and what I had overcome, losing a child was not something I bargained for… it has broken me.

My son and I

My son and I

My 16-year-old son lay in the hospital bed fighting for breath, as his weak lungs filled with liquid, but he held on. Even when the doctors told me there was nothing they could do, I was confident my son will pull through because my God always pulled through, all I had to do was wish it. You see, Jaden was born struggling to breathe at birth and very anemic due to troubles in my womb, doctors told me then he would not make it through the night. We prayed hard and my son made it through the night then doctors told me that he suffered severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen to the brain…doctors said he would not live beyond 2 years old. We prayed hard again and even though he was officially diagnosed with SEVERE Spastic Quadriplegia Cerebral Palsy at 9 months old, he was still alive.

- Cerebral Palsy is a condition marked by impaired muscle coordination (spastic paralysis) and/or other disabilities, typically caused by damage to the brain before or at birth.

-Spastic quadriplegia is a specific type of cerebral palsy that refers to difficulty in controlling movements within all four limbs.

Jaden loved music

Jaden loved music

Jaden had many hospital visits, many treatments, and many therapies, in fact, his hospital file looked like an encyclopaedia, but he was alive. He was also wheelchair-bound, had frequent chest infections, he suffered from convulsions, nutrition problems, gastric reflux, muscle stiffness but he was alive. My boy was a warrior, a fighter and he always baffled doctors because he always defied all odds, he was my miracle baby. God did that every time…my eldest son got sick, I prayed, and God would hear.

My sweet boy celebrated his crown birthday, he was 16 on the 16th of January 2020. I was so happy that he was as healthy as he could be and that we made it another year then not even two months later I had to witness his death. I watched as my baby struggled with his breathing and fever raged, I got sick too so was so difficult to take care of him when I was exhausted but I did it before, so I knew I could do it again. We had done chest infections but this time he just got worse and worse; it was a different strand of pneumonia, not even COVID 19 (although that was suspected). He started to get better but then he suddenly took a turn for the worst.

Jaden's 16th birthday

Jaden's 16th birthday

11th March 2020…I will never forget that day as long as I live, Jaden was intubated in the ICU, he was struggling, and they told us he would not make it. I remembered that litany, it was a doctor mantra for my family with Jaden for many years and I was so worried but I was confident because I had prayed, no I begged God, so of course Jaden was going to make it,he had to, he always did.

I kissed him on his cheek and told him: “Baby fight for mommy, please. Mommy loves you JadeyWadey and I’m right here.” Five minutes later the heart monitor started to slow down, and nurses rushed in with a cart then the machine started a long beeeeeppp. I was rushed out of the room as they ripped the sheet off him to get to his chest. I stood trembling listening to that long beeeeep (that sound still gives me nightmares), I could not breathe, and I vaguely remember my husband taking me away in his arms. He rocked me as I zoned out and then I remember seeing the doctor enter the room and I knew before he said it: my baby, my beautiful boy, was gone...

I have never cried like that before and I do not remember much except my husband was crying too. Then we had to see him…Jaden looked so small, so sweet like he was sleeping, and I was shaking as I brushed his beautiful face with my fingers. Jaden taught me so much with just his smile and quiet strength. I miss him… so much, my heart does not feel complete and I feel my identity is in question. I am lost…and I am struggling to find my way.

PS - here is the link to God is no Genie Part 2